Green Thing

Don’t you hate it when you’re stuck in line at the grocery store behind some idiot?
They try to use a check, or argue over coupons or something.
The worst was when a register girl couldn’t find a round green squash on the code list.
The customer didn’t know what it was.
Why are you buying something that you don’t know what it is?
Did your doctor tell you that you needed more greens in your diet, and your grandson ran out of green plastic army men?
Eventually, they finished, thank God!
I got out my checkbook and coupon pouch.

The Winds

Zephyr, the West Wind, brings storms in from The Lost Sea. We raise the watercatchers, and the rain falls into the cisterns.
Sirocco, the East Wind, brings pleasant smells from the flowers of The Rainbow Valley. We lay in the grass and dream.
Gust, the North Wind, brings the dust and grit of The Endless Desert. In less than a minute, flesh is stripped from bone. We raise the red flags, bring in the animals and equipment, and seal our doors until the wind stops.
Whoosh, the South Wind, hasn’t been heard in years. Nobody alive remembers what it brought.


I’m dying.
Buy a casket for me on Woot.
And a funeral package on Groupon.
Or maybe check Angie’s List if there isn’t one there.
You can get flowers from LivingSocial.
Amazon Daily Deals always has nice clothes.
Does Zillow handle cemetery real estate yet?
We can get the headstone from Ebay.
Just sand off the name and dates, but keep “In loving memory.”
I like that.
Invite friends and family from Facebook.
And stream it on YouTube. For those who can’t use Kayak to make travel arrangements.
Log off my Warcraft avatars.
Oh, and snip the leaf on Ancestry.

50 Cent

Why is 50 Cent called 50 Cent?
Is it because he’s a two-bit hood? No, that would be 25 Cent.
Maybe he has a lucky 50 cent piece?
Or it represents the 2 quarters they’d put over his eyes if he got shot. Again.
Wouldn’t they use silver dollars?
They say he took it from a thief who’d rob anyone for just 50 cents. Some say the guy turned 50 cents into 500 dollars at a dice game.
A music thief, stealing a thief’s name. Priceless.
I think it’s the price of his albums in the discount bin at Wal-Mart.

Tea Shop

Our group used to go to a tea shop every week, and we’d share a pitcher of tea.
Earl Grey one week, Oolong blend the next.
Something different every week.
Then, Joe died. We’d set out an empty cup for him.
After Penny died, we set out an empty cup for her, too.
When Monica, Olive, and Dan died, we set out empty cups for them.
Soon, it was just me, going to the tea shop, drinking an entire pot of tea by myself.
Surrounded by empty cups.
Nobody ever comes over to sit with me.
So, I read quietly.

No man is an island

John Donne said that no man is an island.
But that dude lived centuries ago. He never met Rex.
My friend Rex was freaking huge.
And when went goes swimming, people mistook him for an island.
One day, two Spaniards crowed ashore to Rex and planted a flag in his ass to claim him in the name of the queen.
However, a Frenchman and a Dutchman had already claimed Rex.
Rex rolled over and drowned them all.
He’s dead now. Heart attack.
We buried him at Mt. Rex cemetery.
Yes, the mountain isn’t just named after him… it is him.

God Hates Preachers

The preacher stood along the Gay Pride parade route with his followers and their GOD HATES FAGS signs.
I asked him if God is so great, why can’t he spell out I HATE FAGS in the clouds.
The preacher and his followers shouted “You will burn in Hell!” and attacked me with their signs.
So, I stabbed the preacher. And every one of his followers that attacked me.
As he lay bleeding in the street, I said “If I’m going to hell, it might as well be for murder.”
The jury said it was self-defense.
We’ll see what God thinks.