His name is Mr. Jailbreak.
He used to be a bounty hunter, picking up bail jumpers.
But he got too good, and nobody jumps bail anymore.
Now, he breaks guys like you out of jail.
For a fee, of course.
Half up front, half when he gets you out.
In special cases, he can collect it all when you get out.
Try to screw him, and he’ll bring you back in for the reward.
Dead, not alive. He can’t have you telling anybody about your arrangement with him.
He doesn’t do the killing, though.
Close your eyes, please.
I hate election years.
These aren’t debates.
They’re two-hour commercials
For Subway’s latest
A six-foot long shit sandwich party tray
And everybody has to take a bite
No matter who you support
No matter who the media supports
Your media, my media
It’s all a load of shit
Something about each candidate
A position, an attitude
It’s going to taste bad
But you have to hold your nose and swallow it
You refuse to choose
You refuse to swallow their lies
You refuse to choose one only because you hate them the least
No more shit sandwiches
When I don’t feel well
I fill the tub with hot water
And take a bubble bath
The WiFi barely reaches the tub
But if I angle my phone just right
I can check my email
And refresh Twitter
What I should be doing
Is listening to podcasts
With good and interesting stories
Or music from my library
The signal is too weak
To access the cloud
So I can be inspired to write
My own stories
The more you listen
The more you imagine
The more you write
And explore the world around you
And never leave your home
You can tell when countries don’t like each other when they rename the streets outside of each others embassies.
The host country will name the street after a political dissident in the country of the embassy.
Which is not just annoying to the embassy staff, but their neighbors, too.
The embassy staff only work there. The neighbors are the ones who live there.
Well, okay, most of the neighbors. Some are agents for the host country, spying on the embassy.
But when they’re not listening to hidden microphones or watching captured data streams, they protest just the same.
Many years ago, herds of wild trains thundered across the rails.
Hunted for spare parts.
Hunted for breeding-stock to make the model trains for enthusiasts’ basements.
Hunted for sport.
And the modern freight trains fill the rail schedules.
So few trains out in the wild anymore.
Sometimes, you hear about an old coal-fired boiler exploding.
Or an early diesel derailing.
The collisions are the worst, when a hungry wild train comes into the city and hits an Amtrak express.
We try to capture them for transportation and children’s museums.
How can you have wild trains when no wild remains?
Don’t get me wrong… Superband is one of the greatest bands of all time.
And each of their members has stood out during their solo careers.
But year after year, fans began to notice that Superband’s performances at The Grammy’s were far better than their touring concerts.
Instead of doing their best for millions of paying fans across the world, concerts were just the annoying interruptions of their orgies, drinking binges, and drug overdoses.
Giving their all for a theater full of record producers, promoters, and fellow musicians that had to be bribed into coming with expensive gift bags.
The origin of the name Lazy Susan has been lost to history, but we can offer an educated guess that it may come from a hostess too lazy to pass the salt, pepper, and other condiments to her dinner guests.
Some say that the Susan is, in fact, Susan Sarandon, who as a struggling actress worked as a nude waitress at an exotic restaurant. She was too lazy to carry dishes, so chefs would smear her body with food, and she’d roll around on the table, offering each guest a lick.
Hose her off, and send out the next course!
Back in high school, rumor had it that Jenny and Fred would go under the bleachers and bump uglies.
But rumors are rumors, and I knew this was total bunk.
I’d eaten out Jenny a few times, and she had the prettiest pussy I’d ever seen.
I’d blown Fred a few times, too, and his penis was a beautiful sight.
And both kept their bushes immaculately trimmed. Not a hair out of place.
Never managed to score a threesome. Two’s company, and three’s a crowd, after all.
That didn’t stop me from giving them each an A in my class.
McDonalds used to only serve breakfast until five minutes before you got there.
Now, they serve breakfast all day long.
But not the entire menu. Most locations don’t have enough grill space for it all.
So, one restaurant serves pancakes. The other makes hash browns.
The one that does Egg McMuffins does eggs and muffins, too.
You have to roam from store to store to get your entire order.
The entire nation, driving in their SUVs, like nomads and hunter-gatherers.
Searching for the ever-elusive hash browns and breakfast burritos.
Sit by the soda fountain, wait with spears poised to strike!
Never get an apartment near the parking lot. You’ll hear car alarms go off all night.
Never get an apartment near the dumpsters. You’ll hear the clang of people throwing out garbage.
Never get an apartment near the laundry room. You’ll hear people kick the machines and yell.
Never get an apartment near the rental center. You’ll hear people beg for an extension on their rent.
Never get an apartment near the basketball court or pool. People party there all the time.
Never get an apartment. Just rent a house, if you can’t afford to buy one.