Fuck With God

Lots of people say “Thank God it’s Friday.”
I did too.
But I’d wait until 11:59PM to say it.
Just to fuck with God.
Once, I said “Thank God it’s Friday.” when I stayed up late on Thursday.
God had all day to fuck with me.
So, he did. Harshly.
When Friday was finally over, I almost said “Thank God that’s over.”
But he would have just fucked with me all Saturday, too.
These days, I live in the woods.
I hunt for my food. I don’t have a TV. Or a calendar.
Who cares what day it is?

The Cheap

so, my friend is turning fifty
my cheap friend.
and they invited me to their birthday party
well, sorta
they want me there to serve drinks
as bartender
and yet, it’s a bring your own bottle party
that’s right
they’re so cheap, they’re having people bring their own drinks
and not paying for a real bartender either
i brought a bottle
it’s a vodka bottle, full of gasoline, and a rag in it.
but i forgot my lighter.
i’ll just wait until they light the candles on the cake
unless they’re too cheap to get a cake and candles too

The Metropolis Streaker

The thing about The Green Lantern is that it’s not just one guy.
Well, Guy. As in Guy Gardner, and his stupid haircut.
No, it’s whoever happens to have the Power Ring on.
That person is called the Green Lantern.
I suppose whoever dresses as Batman is Batman, or Robin is Robin.
As opposed to Superman, who is Superman.
Even when he takes off the cape and the tights, he’s still Superman.
Although, when he puts a paper bag over his head, they call him The Metropolis Streaker.
Until he flies away. Then it’s back to “That goddamned pervert Superman.”


Some say that Elon Musk’s gone too far with this whole “hyperloop” idea.
Which is why he was smiling wide for the cameras as he unveiled his gleaming hyperloop test track.
A miles-long vacuum-sealed tube through which a passenger cabin would race at thousands of miles per hour.
He ushered the press into the cabin, stepped outside, and slammed the door shut.
“How does it slow down?” asked a reporter through the window.
“I’ll show you,” said Musk.
Then he pressed the Go button.
The cabin leapt forward, and zoomed away down the track.
“It doesn’t,” he grinned. “Good riddance.”

Striking colors

Back in the days of frigates and pirates, to show your colors meant to lower the flag you sailed under and then raise the Jolly Roger to reveal that you are, in fact, pirates.
Which is kinda strange, considering that the Jolly Roger was a white skull on a black field. Not very colorful at all.
I’m sure you could make a comment about rainbow flags and “butt pirates” but that’s highly offensive, and you should never use that kind of language.
Instead, just say “Yarrr!” and “Shiver me timbers!” over and over.
Otherwise, you should prepare to be boarded.

George the Meticulous Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In battle, while other pirates would fire their cannons quickly, and swing with ropes to board the enemy vessel, George would spent several minutes calculating trajectories, powder volumes, and muzzle angles.
He also insisted on a clean barrel, to avoid backfire or breach explosions.
“Shoot, you fool!” the captain would shout. “Shoot!”
When he eventually did shoot, he’d take out the enemy’s powder room, and the ship would explode into kindling and sink.
“Yes!” shouted George.
“How are we supposed to get the treasure now, genius?” the captain said.

George the Pirate watches the sunset

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
None of the other pirates liked him very much.
He spent a lot of time in the galley, or swabbing the deck, or up in the crow’s nest.
He loved to watch sunrises and sunsets, the yellows and oranges and reds spreading across the sky.
It made him feel warm and good.
And it helped him to forget all of his failures, mistakes, and screwups.
It also helped him to forget about the British Navy vessels approaching from the East.
Well, their cannons would help him remember soon enough.