My team doesn’t tells me when something changes.
It’s not that they forget to tell me.
When I walk into the room, they stop talking.
Or, if it’s important, they stop me in the hall and just stare at me.
Then they follow up with blank emails and memos.
Once, they hired a singing telegram, and the dancing girl stood there and stared at me.
Then, they hired a skywriter to fly his airplane around without releasing any smoke.
Another airplane flew around without a trailing banner.
As long as they keep filling out my paychecks properly, I don’t mind.
I bought a memory foam mattress.
It’s comfortable. And I sleep well.
At least I thought I did.
Turns out, I toss and turn all night.
But the foam absorbs my memories.
So I forget the discomfort and restlessness. And the pain.
That would be fine, as long as I don’t forget anything else.
I assume that the memories aren’t totally gone.
They’re in the mattress. Deep in there.
Years of lost sleep.
Years of my life, good and bad.
Years of time with you.
Whoever you are, because for the life of me, I can’t remember who you are.
We release new versions of the software every four months.
At the end of the development cycle, we declare a feature freeze.
Then, we test all of the features of the software to make sure it all works.
Once we finish testing, we release it to the public.
Developers and companies who need advance copies of features in development can join the bleeding edge releases.
That way, they can test against the upcoming features.
What? We’re changing to three month cycles?
And some day, maybe even two-week cycles?
I get out my aspirin bottle.
Ah, aspirin. Some things never change.
Ships leave once a month to carry men sentenced to transportation.
Exile to Australia.
The trip from England to Australia is a long one, and perilous.
Some crew stab their passengers mid-journey.
Others throw them overboard into the ocean.
A few show mercy, and release them in Africa or some island.
The crew then estimates how long it would take to get to Australia, resupply, and then head back home.
And they go on a vacation.
Whores in Madrid? Wine in Paris?
Whatever, as long as it doesn’t involve smelly, evil prisoners.
Until they need to go back for more.
I looked out my office window at the next building over.
Their flag is at half mast.
I don’t know of anyone famous that has died recently. Or any local disasters.
Maybe someone at their office died.
That’s a shame.
So, is there a job opening?
Or maybe someone’s husband died… are they hot? Or a rich widow? Or widower?
Maybe I should go over there and offer my condolences.
And bring something… maybe flowers?
They have some nice flowers in the landscaping around the flagpole.
I could pick some of those.
But I’ll wait until lunch to do it.
When Jackie was growing up, other kids would tell him “Tell us a joke, man!”
So, Jackie became Jackie the Joke Man.
He tried to turn it into a job, but he struggled.
Folks would say “Jackie, you’re a joke, man!”
He stuck with it, toured and made albums, wrote for popular television and radio shows, and made a decent living.
Now, the young comedians steal his material, and audiences accuse Jackie of stealing their material?
Jackie doesn’t like that shit, and he tracks them down.
“Okay, put down that gun!” they scream. “I’ll pay you for your joke, man!”
My credit card expired, so the credit card company sent me a new card in the mail.
I opened the envelope and left it on the table to remind me to activate it.
The next morning, as I was going through my list of tasks to do before heading to work, I saw that the envelope was covered with cat barf.
“Which of you two shits did this?” I asked our cats.
Both just stared back at me, sitting comfortably, and crooking their tails happily.
I guess I won’t be using this card to buy cat treats any time soon.
I had braces when I was younger, but my teeth have shifted around, and I’m in danger of losing a few if they remain misaligned.
I’m not getting braces on my teeth again, so I just got fitted for Invisalign trays.
They’re more expensive and take longer to align teeth, but at least I don’t have to deal with braces, right?
Then there’s the gripping mounts they need to bond to my teeth… the monthly adjustments… the retainer…
My teeth will be in perfect alignment, but my bank account will be a mess, and I’ll never want to smile again.
They changed the SAT.
It had something to do with removing biases between genders and races and other factors.
So, they stripped out all the parts that gave an unfair advantage to white kids.
And they stripped out all the parts that assumed a male gender bias.
And after that, they stripped out all the parts that discriminated against poor kids.
In the end, they were left with a sheet of paper that just asked for the student’s name.
“Colleges might make assumptions based on that, too!” shouted an activist.
Colleges gave up, and went to a simple bidding process.
Her last words “I’ll see you in hell, and I’ll save you all a seat.”
She was cremated, her ashes in salt shakers to spread around.
But no matter how hard we shook, nothing came out.
Even in death, she was at her coarsest.
We had to transfer the ashes to pepper grinders.
Walking around the park, spreading her around.
Like a goddamed Olive Garden, we were.
Nobody said anything.
What was the point?
She doesn’t care what we say after she’s dead.
Didn’t care when she was alive.
Except for anything nice.
She had her bad reputation to protect.