George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought some confidence-boosting audio tapes to listen to while he slept.
But his shipmates replaced them with audio books by David Sedaris.
Instead of charging boldly into ship battles and plundering towns, George sat down and recounted his days as a Christmas elf in a department store.
Oddly enough, townspeople put down their weapons to gather around George and listen to the stories.
Using George as a distraction, the pirates easily robbed the town and escaped with the treasure.
From which, they paid David Sedaris’ hefty royalty fees.