Jesus’s hangups

No, Jesus wasn’t crucified.
He died from autoerotic asphyxiation.
In between the sermons and miracles, he liked to have his apostles bind him up and hang him from the rafters.
Or he’d have them strangle him while he jerked off.
“Maccabee” was his safe word.
After the Last Supper, Jesus had himself strung up and dangled upside down in a closet.
But something went wrong. A belt slipped, and Jesus’ neck broke, killing him.
Everyone blamed Judas for the accident.
Ashamed, Judas ran off, strung himself from a tree, and killed himself.
No, he wasn’t jerking off at the time.

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