George the IP Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His bunk and footlocker overflowed with CD cases.
“What’s all this stuff?” The Captain asked George.
“Pirated music, movies, and software,” said George. “Good stuff.”
“This is an inefficient mess,” said The Captain. “Why aren’t you using thumb drives or the cloud?”
“I cater to markets with obsolete technology,” said George. “They’re more likely to pay in cash instead of credit, which makes it hard for the authorities to trace.”
The Captain nodded, and picked up a Herp Albert CD.
“How much do you want for this?” he asked.

George the Pirate Drink

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had occasional flashes of brilliance, such as finding a warehouse that contained casks and barrels of wine, rum, and whiskey.
The problem was, the casks and barrels weren’t labeled.
So, the men volunteered to open them up to figure out what was in them.
Seven hours later, the crew was completely passed out drunk, and nobody was controlling the ship.
The winds and tide blew it back to the warehouse’s pier, smashing the ship to bits.
Those who didn’t drown were fished out by the militia and jailed.

George Sedaris

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought some confidence-boosting audio tapes to listen to while he slept.
But his shipmates replaced them with audio books by David Sedaris.
Instead of charging boldly into ship battles and plundering towns, George sat down and recounted his days as a Christmas elf in a department store.
Oddly enough, townspeople put down their weapons to gather around George and listen to the stories.
Using George as a distraction, the pirates easily robbed the town and escaped with the treasure.
From which, they paid David Sedaris’ hefty royalty fees.

George the Valet

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After he was fired from his job, he ended up as a valet for a popular pirate tavern.
He parked pirate ships at the pier.
With practice, he became quite skilled at maximizing available dock space. Not a single wreck.
The tips weren’t bad, either.
One night, his old ship sailed in for dinner.
The crew didn’t recognize George. They just saw a fancy-dressed lackey with money sticking out of his pockets.
So, they kidnapped him.
“Thanks, guys,” said George. “It’s good to be back.”
They threw him overboard.

George the Lying Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If George tells you that he’s good at anything, he’s lying.
Make him prove it.
If he says he’s good at tying knots, make him tie a knot.
If he says he’s good with a sword, challenge him to a fight.
If he says he’s good with anything, don’t believe him until you see it.
Well, okay, there’s one thing George is good at.
That’s lying about being a good pirate.
Most pirates say they aren’t actually pirates.
Especially when they get caught and sent to the local jail.

George Marks The Spot

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“X marks the spot!” says George, holding up a map.
“That looks more like a lower-case T,” says The Captain.
“I think it looks like a plus symbol,” says The First Mate.
“Just rotate the map a little,” said George.
So, they did.
“It looks like two exes next to each other,” said Berdsley.
“That’s because you’re drunk,” said George. “It’s one X.”
It turned out to be a Starbucks in Hoboken, New Jersey.
“I’ll get the shovels,” said George. “Oh, and can you order me a double espresso?”

George vs. Blackbeard

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he started rumors that Blackbeard dyed his beard.
Word got to Blackbeard about the rumor.
“George who?” he said.
Then, George started rumors that Blackbeard’s beard was a fake.
Word got to Blackbeard about that rumor, too.
“Wait, wasn’t he the one who started the rumor about me dying my beard?” said Blackbeard.
George spread the rumors far and wide, until Blackbeard got pissed off.
“That’s it,” said Blackbeard. “Time to fight fire with fire.”
Blackbeard took out a sheet of paper and wrote “George was a pirate…”