Swapping Lunches

Jamie doesn’t like the lunches that her mother packs.
Neither does Ricky.
So, they began to trade lunches.
Now Ricky can have the corn chips he loves so much, and Jamie gets tuna salad sandwiches.
Except that Ricky is allergic to corn. See the rash on his neck? That’s not a good thing.
And Jamie is allergic to the mayonnaise in the sandwiches. She’s about to vomit… and there she goes.
All over Ricky, who’s clutching his throat and wheezing.
I’m sure that their parents will blame the school again.
Have you got the epipens?
Good. I’ll call an ambulance.

Life and shit

When Life hands you shit, make sure that you and Life wash hands before returning to work.
While you’re at it, you can use the shit to write your thank you note. Just be careful how you put it in the envelope to keep the message from getting smeared and ruined.
Then, be sure to keep the shit somewhere safe so you can regift it back to Life at the Christmas Party. Oh, the look on people’s faces when they see Life opening that present up and seeing the shit Life gave you.
And the look on Life’s face… priceless!

Three Percent

I did one of those online surveys that told me that I was 97 percent evil.
What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?
Not the 97 percent, mind you. I’m worried about the 3 percent good.
How am I going to get a management position in Hell with that much good in me? 3 percent good gets you graveyard shift in the Comcast call centers in Hell.
I need 100% pure evil. Total evil. No good at all.
I’ll make supervisor. Management. Maybe even executive.
Just three percent good.
And I’ll start with you, my little prisoner.

Area 25

Scientists say that Area 25 in the brain can be directly electrically stimulated to lift deep depression in most patients. It feels like a dark cloud is being cleared away, or a heavy weight lifted from their chest.
When the stimulation ends, the cloud and the weight eventually return, but they’re not as bad as they were before.
The scientists found Area 25 with MRI and careful testing, but I like to imagine them poking in wires, throwing switches, and saying “Area 7? Nope. Just gave him a hard-on and the smell of roast duck.”
Science should be fun, right?

Jack

So let me get this straight…
Jack ignores his mother, and he sells the cow for some magic beans.
She throws them out the window, and they grow into a gigantic beanstalk.
Then he goes up the beanstalk and lies to the giant’s wife, robs the giant blind, and then kills the giant?
The dude sounds like a dick to me. He broke into a guy’s home, robbed, and then murdered him!
But I’m not about to say anything bad about Jack.
Because that guy just might lie to my wife, rob me blind, and then kill me.
That dick.

Puritans

H.L Mencken said that Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
As first, I thought that this was Cherophobia, the fear of happiness and gaity, but H.L Mencken was very specific about the happiness being in others, not the Puritans themselves, which is quite an understandable mistake if you know any Puritans.
Sure, they’ll deny it, but Puritans are a very unhappy bunch. And they want to share that unhappiness.
At least they’re nice enough to share, right?
If only they were willing to share ice cream and bubblegum like that.
Those unhappy jerks.

Book by its cover

You really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, the saying goes. But if a book is covered with wickedly sharp spikes, you should consider buying the Kindle version.
The same goes for books that have a cover that is on fire, although most bookstores won’t stock books that are on fire. And Amazon can’t deliver them fast enough. You’ll end up with a box of ashes.
As for the book that’s dripping with semen, well, that’s just plain gross. But then, maybe you should get it.
I mean, someone else enjoyed it, right?
Just wipe it off first, okay?