George the Figurehead

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, when the figurehead carving fell off of the ship, his shipmates stuffed him into a dress and tied him to the prow.
George was actually kinda good at that job.
Well, except for the constant screaming and near-drowning, but his shipmates built a breathing helmet that muffled the screaming considerably.
Pretty soon, every ship used their worst crewmember as a figurehead.
Every eight hours, George was untied for a meal break.
As for bathroom breaks, what was the point?
It all ended up in the ocean anyway, right?

George the Pirate Dancer

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every opportunity the crew had to get rid of George, they did.
When a television network announced Dancing With The Pirate Stars, they sent George.
George was an excellent dancer.
He knew all of the latest dance moves, and he was in perfect time with his professional dance partner.
“Why don’t you become a professional dancer?” the professional dancers asked him.
“Thanks, but not,” said George. “I like being a pirate.”
He brought home the trophy and three dancers for ransom.
“While we’re waiting,” said George, “care to dance?”

George the Dead Pirate

Fred liked to take his family to the islands every summer.
The swimming and snorkeling was great.
And every night, music and dancing and delicacies.
Sometimes, they’d go into town to shop.
Or they’d go to the old pirate towns.
His kids would use charcoal and paper sheets to take rubbings from the headstones.
The more interesting the headstone, the better.
They came across a rather unusual small headstone, buried in the undergrowth.
Fred cleared away the branches, and the kids took an impression.
They could read it clearly:
“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”

George the Foreign Exchange

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time a foreign exchange program came up, the crew shipped George off to Singapore or The Barbary Coast or Africa.
“Is that how you pirates do that in the Caribbean?” the host crew would ask George as he screwed up some task or another.
“Yes,” lied George, not wanting to reveal the fact that he was a terrible pirate. “We do it all the time.”
Pretty soon, pirates across the world were as bad as George.
Except for his own crew, who kept him locked in a footlocker.

George the Harasser

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He frequently violated company policies, and spent a lot of time in Sexual Harassment training seminars.
Because, compared to all the other pirates on the ship, George was actually polite and respectful to women.
He didn’t leer, catcall, or whore around.
And God forbid he actually molest someone. I mean, how rude, right?
George did his best to fake the leers and catcalls that the instructor demanded he give the wenches in the roleplay sessions.
Eventually, he passed.
But afterwards, he apologized to the wenches for the rude behavior.

George wasn’t the worst pirate…

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Was he the worst pirate in history?
No, because that would be Phil.
The Captain hired him as a ringer for the crew’s softball team.
Phil struck out every batter he faced, and he hit every ball out of the park.
He was MVP of the league for three years straight, and the team won the championship all three of those years.
But P stands for Player, not Pirate, and Phil was a dreadful pirate.
What happened to Phil is too gruesome to say.
The crew retired his number.

George the Tax Expert

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was good at preparing and filing taxes for his shipmates.
With practice, he was able to generate exemptions and refunds that were more lucrative than any treasure chest or pillaging raid.
Pretty soon, the pirates no longer had to pillage and loot and plunder to make a living.
They sat back, enjoyed life, and let George handle the paperwork.
Eventually, other pirates realized what was going on, and they all ganged up on George’s crew.
“So this is how it feels,” mumbled George, preparing to repel boarders.

George the Career Seeker

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
A career guidance counselor tried to help him explore other options.
“Perhaps instead of piracy, you could explore the many related careers around it?”
He helped George build a chart: shipbuilding, sailmaking, weapons forging, gunsmithing.
There were so many jobs indirectly related to piracy.
“There are so many things I could do instead of being a pirate, but still stay in the pirate industry,” said George. “I’ll think about it.”
He then proceeded to loot and pillage the guidance counselor’s office.
“Sorry,” said George. “Nothing personal, it’s only business.”

George the Pirate Recruiter

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, they made him go to high schools as a recruiter.
Back in the day, you could send out press gangs to shangai men for crews, but these days the competition for talent was fierce.
George would try to explain the benefits of being a pirate to the students: treasure, adventure, and occasional romance.
Legally, he was obligated to tell them about the drawbacks, too: scurvy, no medical or dental plans, and a high mortality rate.
Nobody signed up. But at George got to pillage a few trophy cases.

Johnny Fuckyou

After every touchdown, the player raises a prayer to the sky.
And when a player is hurt, they all take a knee and bow their heads.
They do the same after every game.
Johnny Manziel was the cocky and brash young phenom who wanted to drink and party more than play the game.
Released by his team, dumped by his agent, and wanted by nobody.
Cast into the wilderness.
Where are all of these so-called brothers keepers now?
Why do they let their brother wallow in sin?
Maybe if he wasn’t a shitty quarterback, they’d do more than just pray.