The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #97


A crowd stood around the body of Lincoln, which was all the more crowded because of the small confines of the boarding house.
People were gathering up blood-souvenirs, anything the president had bled upon.
“He bled on the sheet!”
“He bled on the pillow!”
“He bled on the lantern!”
The room filled. The walls began to buckle. Elbows banged against the windowpane.
“Everyone out!” shouted the boarding house’s owner, shaking a fire-iron. “Now!”
All the people filed out of the room and on to the street.
Mary Todd looked around at the completely empty room.
“Where’s my husband?” she asked.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #96


All but one of the doctors packed up and left.
“He can still be saved,” said the last doctor.
“He’s dead,” said Robert. “There’s no way to cure death.”
“Is there?” asked the doctor.
He opened his case and pulled out an array of odd crystals, setting them around the dead president.
Who remained dead.
“Sorry,” said the doctor. He gathered up his crystals and left.
Robert shrugged. “Dad always said: ‘The only person who is a worse liar than a faith healer is his patient.'”
“Fine by me,” said Mary Todd. “As long as we don’t pay his bill.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #95


The doctors hauled Abe’s gangly frame out of the theater and across the street.
The bed was too short, so they laid him upon it at an angle.
Mary Todd was a wreck. Not only was her husband mortally wounded, but the theater owner refused to give a refund.
Abe’s son Robert pondered the situation: “Surely, God would not have created such a being as man, with an ability to grasp the infinite, to exist only for a day! No, man was made for immortality!”
Abe wheezed, sighed, and breathed no more.
The President was dead.
“Never mind,” said Robert.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #94


“What was that loud noise?” was Abraham’s second-to-last thought.
Abe slumped forward and moaned. Booth shouted “Sic Semper Tyrannis!’ and leapt to the stage.
Abe heard the ugly crack of Booth’s ankle breaking. As a testament to Abe’s overflowing compassion, he felt badly for the man who would have to walk on such a leg.
His left eye saw nothing but blood. His one remaining eye opened and spotted the gun in Booth’s hand.
He’d been… shot?
“I guess the bullet is stronger than the ballot after all” was his final thought, and then…
The audience demanded an encore.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #93


Abe tried to watch the play. The war was coming to a close, and here he was trying to enjoy himself, but his assistants kept interrupting him.
“How can I enjoy the play if you keep interrupting me,” he growled. “I have no idea what’s going on. None at all, assholes!”
Mary Todd wasn’t even going to handjob him tonight. Wasn’t that the point of having the “high box” at Ford’s. People paid extra just for that secret little thrill in public.
Another knock at the door.
He moaned. “I need this like I need a hole in the head.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #92


Congress, in its infinite wisdom, offered to grant royal powers to Lincoln.
The exhausted president refused them.
“If all earthly power were given to me,” he muttered, “I should not know what to do.”
That evening, he watched as a meteorite streaked across the sky and landed at his feet.
“What have we here?”
In his hands, the glowing green rock pulsed.
Abe smiled as the energy flowed through his body, but his smile quickly faded.
“I still don’t know what to do,” he muttered, sitting down on the back porch.
He went to bed and slept for a week.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #91


Mary Todd was going crazy, but the analyst was curious as to the source of her husband’s misery.
Abe shrugged off all offers to get him on the couch and work out his issues.
“Perhaps it is something in your childhood?” said the doctor.
Abe laughed. “It is a great piece of folly to attempt to make anything out of my early life,” he said.
When the doctor left, Abe took out his flask of Zook’s “Crazy No More” Tonic.
*glug* *glug*
“This is the only doctor I need,” he said, patting the flask and heading back to his office.