Radical Feminist Christmas Joke

The pastor asked the kids why God made Mary pregnant and had her give birth to Jesus.
One boy said it was to give His son to the world.
Another said it was so Jesus could heal the sick.
One girl said it was so Jesus could die for our sins.
The last girl said it was because God was too much of a chickenshit to go through nine months of pregnancy and ten hours of labor Himself.
“Goddamned feminists,” mumbled the preacher.
The kid kicked and screamed as a pair of burly rectors dragged the kid to “Time Out.”

The knockout reindeer game

The other reindeer made fun of Rudolph and wouldn’t let him play in their reindeer games.
So, Rudolph hung out with ghetto elves on the South side of the North Pole.
Which, if you know your geography, is all around the North Pole.
They had the North Pole surrounded.
When the other reindeer went into the ghetto to get the drugs that let them fly, Rudolph and the ghetto elves played The Knockout Game with them.
Down went Donner. And Cupid. And Comet. And Vixen.
The gang took their fancy harnesses and shiny silver bells.
Silver bells. Ting a ling.

It’s A Wonderful Ending

After the party ended and everyone left, Mary put the kids to bed.
George Bailey counted the money again.
It was more than enough to cover the savings and loan.
Perfect.
“I’ll take care of that,” said Uncle Billy, scooping the stacks of money into a basket.
“Fuck no, you goddamned stupid drunk!” shouted George. “You’ve fucked this family for the last time!”
George took Billy’s keys away. “You’re fired!”
Then, he had Bert the cop drive him into town so he could put the money in the safe.
“Merry Christmas, savings and loan,” he mumbled. “Take me home, Bert.”

Young Mary

Young Mary had a dream. An angel told her that she was pregnant with God’s baby.
“But I’m a virgin,” she said.
The angel shrugged. “The Boss likes ’em young.”
Her family tried to get her to see a doctor, but she didn’t want them anywhere near her miracle baby.
“God will take care of His child,” she said.
As her belly grew larger, Mary grew weaker.
Until one day, she was dead.
The baby turned out to be a rapidly-growing tumor in her intestinal tract.
Nobody wanted to be the first to ask for their baby shower gift back.

Wishes

Ever make a wish on a star?
If you make it on the first star you see, it never comes true, right?
That’s because that star is hundreds of light years away. Maybe thousands.
Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, so by the time the wish reaches the star, you’ll probably be long dead.
However, there’s Alpha Proximi. It’s just 4 light-years away. So, if you make your wish on it, and a wish goes the speed of light, it will take 4 years for JACK SHIT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE STARS DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WISHES!

Any more than a mouthful…

Who’s that?
Oh, that’s Wendy.
She used to be with Jack.
They were great together, but she wouldn’t suck Jack’s cock.
She did everything else, though. And I mean everything. But it wasn’t enough.
So, Jack found someone who would. On the side.
Wendy found out, so she finally offered to suck him off.
Instead, she bit it off. And swallowed.
Jack nearly bled to death.
Police called it an accident. I call it a fucking shame that Jack lived.
Surgeons did what they could. I bet he gets a reality show out of it.
So, you want her number?

Mistress

Belinda doesn’t care what I do or say. She just wants to shop, party, and sleep.
Me, I want to do something more. Maybe settle down and raise a family.
But it’s hard to do when you’re always hopping to from one hotspot to another every night.
Betsy is the sensible one. Wants all the same things I want.
But Belinda is so much fun.
That’s when it hit me: I’ve already got the mistress. All I need is the one I can marry. Right?
Belinda doesn’t care what I do or say. But Betsy packs a wicked left hook.

Apple Picking

This weekend, we’re going up to a friend’s apple orchard to pick on apples.
No, we’re not going to pick apples. He hires Mexicans to do that shit. Do we look like Mexicans?
We’re going up there to pick on apples.
Sometimes, we pick on them by walking around the orchard, saying how much we really like oranges.
After that, we’ll drink wine and say how much better it is than apple juice or cider.
Finally, we’ll use baseball bats to beat apples out of the three.
(Just gotta be careful not to hit a Mexican while they’re picking them.)

King Size

Why is a king-sized candy bar that size?
No, it’s not because there was a king who liked candy that size.
It was because there was a king who was that size.
Well, a king who had a penis that size.
Which king? None other than the Reverend Martin Luther King, Junior himself.
You know how the King Family earns royalties on his speeches? Well, they do the same with king-sized candy.
That’s why you don’t see much candy in that size.
It’s all fun-size and junior-size.
What?
No, junior’s not named for him either.
His penis was huge, man.

Two Scoops

Kellogg’s says there are two scoops of raisins in every box.
However, they never say how big the scoops are.
I’ve seen some tiny scoops at the bulk candy store, and I’ve seen some huge scoops in the flour bins at the Whole Foods.
It’s not the huge scoops. Because the box would be all raisins and no bran.
And that “Two Scoops” phrase is on every box, big and small. Even those tiny boxes in the hotel’s continental breakfast buffet. So scoops aren’t the same size for every box?
I think they’re full of shit.
Two scoops of it.