The owner of the factory looked at the productivity reports and sighed.
His workers were shiftless and lazy, so he decided to replace them with robots.
The robots tried to get the work done, but their output still wasn’t what he’d hoped for.
Then, the idea struck him: What if the robots were shiftless and lazy?
He had them reprogrammed and started the factory back up.
The robots turned out to be even more efficient than humans at shirking their duties. One robot could shirk the duties of ten men.
He gave up on the factory business, building politicians instead.
Category: My stories
Fish In A Barrel
Ever shot fish in a barrel?
It’s not as easy as you think.
Fish are small moving targets.
And you have to take into consideration the refractive properties of the water.
Light bends considerably depending on the angle you’re looking into the water.
Don’t believe me? Stick a straw in a glass at an angle and look at it.
That weird break in the angle is due to refraction.
So, go ahead. Try to shoot fish in a barrel.
You’re better off just pouring the barrel out, picking up the fish, and smacking them on the ground until they’re dead.
Gun Fight
Only a fool brings a knife to a gun fight.
But it takes a bigger fool to bring floppy clown shoes, a bright red wig, and a seltzer bottle.
I stood there, staring at the fool, with my gun pointed at his head.
“What is it about ‘gun fight’ you didn’t understand?” I asked.
“I thought you said ‘clown fight’ when you called,” said the fool. “I think I need to get my hearing checked. Or were you chewing gum while you were talking to me?”
I shook my head, put my gun away, and turned to-
He shot me.
Trust Me
“If you love me, you’ll trust me.”
Ever hear that one?
I hear it all the time.
She comes home with a bow and arrow, wanting to put an apple on my head to shoot off.
Or a wheel to strap me to as she throws knives at me.
Then there’s our savings account. Every weekend, she wants to take it to Vegas with dreams of not leaving it all there as we hitch a ride back home.
Today, she’s cooking dinner.
She sets out a plate and smiles.
I take one whiff and…
“So, where’s the bow and arrow?”
Carded
For my birthday, my wife drove us to San Antonio and we spent three days at the Hotel Valencia on the Riverwalk.
I’ve been on a diet for a while, so eating at all these fancy restaurants along the river kinda wore me out.
Still, it’s a nice atmosphere, and we had a good time.
Especially at Michelino’s, an Italian place. The salads were excellent, the dinner was superb, and the Chianti went well with the dinner.
Plus, I got carded.
Me. Who just turned forty-one. Carded.
I was flattered, until later on the waiter said “Oh, we card everybody.”
Notes
You are gone, and I miss you.
I want to write a story for you.
To remember.
I sit here, pen in hand, but the page is blank.
I cannot stop crying. My tears cover the page.
I crumple it up and toss it away.
The floor is covered with tear-stained pages.
So, still crying, I go to sleep.
In my dream you pick up the pages, smooth them out, and sit down at the piano.
Your hands hesitate, then, reading stains as notes, you play.
It is beautiful.
I can stop crying now.
And write this story for you.
The Darkest Dark
I sat down, closed my eyes, and imagined the darkest dark.
There’s always light coming through your eyelids or the blankets you put over your head.
That’s when you have to step away from yourself, leave senses behind, going where no light will reach you.
My friend was puzzled by this, and asked “Why are you trying to imagine the dark?”
And she told me to see the brightest bright.
“Won’t that burn my eyes?” I asked.
I heard nothing, so I lifted the blankets, turned on the light, and she was gone.
She doesn’t need to imagine it anymore.
Noodge
My people worship Noodge, God of Constant Guidance.
There’s no priests to spread His word or prophets of His revelation, as He is here with us.
That’s him at the bar, the guy in the robe drinking a beer. That’s Noodge.
He is always telling us what to do, how to do things, and constantly judging us.
What? You don’t see Him? You don’t hear Him telling the barkeeper how to best pour a beer?
You’re serious, right? Heresy’s a dangerous thing. Noodge might hear you and… well, He just nags us more.
(Teach us how to ignore Him too!)
Drip Drip
The city needed more water, and for that they needed another reservoir.
Engineers surveyed the state and determined that our valley was the site.
The towns of Glade and Riverbank were offered buyouts, they voted in favor of them, and people moved away as all they knew was razed.
Even the cemeteries were emptied and relocated.
When the dam was completed, water covered the remaining cellars and streets slowly as the lake filled up.
Every year, I row out and toss two wreaths onto the water.
I drive back to the city, turn the tap, and watch the drip… drip…
Twins
I was so simple before.
If you have two genetically identical children at the same time, they’re called twins.
But if you take one embryo and implant it in another woman, are they still twins?
What if you take one egg, replicate it a few times, and implant them all together?
Twins? Triplets? Quadruplets?
And what if you don’t implant them all at once? Maybe wait a year or two between pregnancies?
Are they now clones?
It’s so confusing. Makes it hard to buy just the right card, too.
Are you my brother?
Are you my mother?
Are you… me?