Category: My stories

The Stopped-Up Watch

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From the look on his face, Edwin hasn’t taken a dump for over a week.
From the numbers on his wristwatch, you’d be right.
You see, he keeps a running timer on his wristwatch to count the time since his last dump, and right now it’s saying a week.
When he takes a dump, he resets it.
But not recently. Since he hasn’t taken a dump.
Wait – he’s running off to the bathroom.
You’ll probably be able to tell by Edwin’s face if he’s taken a dump.
As long as it’s been, he may not remember to reset the watch.

The Lever

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For Archimedes’ birthday, we all chipped in and got him a lever.
“Is it long enough to move the world?” we asked him.
“It’s looks long enough,” he said, holding it in his hands. “Let’s find out.”
Archimedes put it down, spat into his hands, and rubbed them together. Then, he picked the lever back up and began to dig it into the ground with all of his might.
“Can you feel the world moving?” asked Archimedes.
Just then, an earthquake struck Athens. Many were killed.
For the safety of all, the lever was melted down into various homoerotic trinkets.

The Locker

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The custodian at the gym heard the too-familiar banging and yelling from the locker room.
“Not again,” he groaned.
He went to his tool chest, pulled out the bolt cutters, and headed to Davey Jones’ Locker.
Davey Jones was pounding on the door, calling the combination lock a backstabbin’ scurvy dog.
“Please stop that, Mr. Jones,” said the custodian. “I’m just going to have to bend all that metal back.”
The custodian snipped off the padlock and opened the locker. “Have you ever thought about just using a lock with a key?” he said.
At least he tipped in gold.

Dancing Pinhead

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Gabriel landed at Heaven’s gates and screamed with agony, tucking into a ball and clutching his shredded, bloody sandals.
“So, did you find out how many of you can dance on the head of a pin?” asked Jesus.
“The head of a pin?” groaned Gabriel. “Wait… that’s the round flat part of it, right? And not the sharp pointy end?”
“You’re going to need new sandals, aren’t you?” Jesus sighed.
Gabriel crawled to the Quartermaster.
Jesus pulled out God’s Big Ledger Of Mysteries, wrote “It takes two to tango” in it by Angels Dancing On Pinhead, and snapped it shut.

Shadow Birthday

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When Bob had his birthday birthdays, he always shared it them with his shadow.
Happy Birthday, Bob!
All of Bob’s friends would come over for cake and ice cream, and so did their shadows for the shadows of cake and ice cream.
Bob blew out the candles, and so did his shadow on the wall.
It was a race between Bob and his shadow to see who could open presents faster. It was always a tie.
Sometimes there was a goofy clown. Other times, a magician showed up to work his magic.
One year, a strange man came to make interesting shadow puppets.
The shadows of Bobby and his friends were entertained by the hands of the puppet-master.
Why? Well, since when have you seen a rabbit or duck turn into a pair of writhing hands?

The Old Man’s Clock

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My grandfather’s clock stopped when the old man died.
Nothing could restart it. Six feet of frozen-solid works.
When the clock started back up with the first full moon we were concerned.
His tomb had been opened and his body – missing!
We looked down and saw his footprints leading out to… to…
He was out and on the prowl, one of the living dead.
We followed his tracks right up to the first tree.
He’d walked straight into it and knocked himself out.
We sealed him into the tomb, still moving.
Clock’s worth more when it runs, you know.

The Bullet in the Bible

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bang*
Bucktooth Billy lay on his back in the dusty street.
He sat up and felt his chest.
No blood. His Bible had stopped the bullet.
Billy held it up, laughing.
“Holy shit!” he shouted. “Lucky Bible! Jesus has saved me!”
The gunslinger walked up to Billy and looked at the bullet-pierced Bible.
“So He has,” said the scowling figure. “Right up to Deuteronomy.”
“It’s a miracle!” shouted Billy. “I am reborn! I will fight no more and stand at the right side of The Lord!”
“Here,” said the gunslinger. “Let me help.”
The gunslinger shot Billy in the head.

9/11

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Once the time engine was charged, I went back to the subway platform under the towers and looked for my parents.
They were trapped in the rubble, broken gas lines breathing fire all around, but I worked feverishly to free them.
Too much concrete. Too much metal.
Looking at my bloody hands, I realize I should have brought gloves.
The fire was coming closer, and they told me to leave them.
I held their hands for as long as I could, and I left them photos of their grandchildren before heading back to the engine.
We do this every year.

In His Pocket

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Leon always left his wallet on the nightstand, so Sally would put it in his jacket pocket.
For whatever reason, Leon would take it back out and leave it on the nightstand again.
So, Sally would put twenty dollar bills in all of his work shirt pockets. That way, he’d have money for lunch.
The little miracles of everyday life. They don’t last.
Sally died in WTC2, 100th floor.
After a period of mourning, Leon went back to work.
And he forgot his wallet.
At lunch, he checked his pocket, and saw the money.
He never forgot his wallet again.

Wheels on the bus

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The wheels of the bus went round and round.
Right over the skateboarder.
Sure, he had pads and a helmet on, but the bus crushed his chest and killed him.
The pads, helmet, and skateboard gathered dust in the garage until they got sold at a garage sale.
That kid flew out of a half-pipe and was impaled on a fencepost.
Once again, the gear was passed along.
Kid after kid, the bodies started to pile up.
Until a restaurant bought the stuff as wall decoration.
Nobody else got hurt from using it.
But the restaurant burned down, killing ten.