Budget cuts and belt-tightening had already impacted our agency’s ability to field operatives and gather intelligence from our enemies.
Looking at the reports of dead agents across the globe, I knew that the pennypinchers had pinched too hard.
All agents had been given suicide pills in the form of false molars they could crush and swallow.
Except that we’d gone with the low bidder, and those that didn’t accidentally crush the cheap replacements eventually succumbed to the poison when the enamel wore through naturally.
We had to pay a hefty fortune to keep the families quiet.
Penny wise, pound foolish.
Singing Teeth
605020
When I brush my teeth, they sing.
At first, I thought it was some kind of microchip in the toothbrush, like those expensive greeting cards.
But when I used another toothbrush, they sang just the same.
I asked my dentist about this, and he made sure that the valve on his laughing gas was sealed tightly.
Nobody believes me when I say that my teeth sing. They think I’m crazy.
But I’m not.
What’s worse is that when I forget to brush my teeth, they cry with blood.
“Now do you believe me?” I scream.
They think I’m crazier now.
Weekly Challenge #195 – I saw it move!
6721348
Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Ninety-Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s I saw it move!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David.
VOTING
Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):
JRadimus
My name is [DETAILS REDACTED] –a, USA. Six years ago, halfway through a White House tour, I really needed to take a leak. So, I snuck off to find a toilet. On my way back, there was a man ahead of me, turning a corner. When I got there, it looked like a dead end – but I saw a panel closing, and a glimpse of a room behind it. There were Leprechauns on computers! Another man saw me, and the look on my face, and it all hit the fan. Before we knew, we were in [DETAILS REDATED] –shire, England.
Zachman
This happened to me when I live in the United States, before we moved to California and worked in Fargo. No, I don’t think I ever met TJ. Soon after I purchased a brand new 8 year old Mercury Sable wagon, one of my coworkers asked your not in you car? I just saw it move. I go outside. My boss telling me that my car just rolled into a lawyer’s car. I must have parked on the only incline in Fargo. So glad it was his winter beater and my insurance paid for his repairs. Always set parking brake.
Steven
It’s not my fault. I didn’t do my schoolwork because Tommy McDonald
kept flicking my neck with his pencil. Then the teacher yelled at me
when I told him to stop.
And I didn’t put the monster in my closet.
I crawled into bed next to Mom. She didn’t wake up until Dad started
yelling again. He said I was too old to be scared of monsters, and
smacked me around for crying.
Mom didn’t say anything. She didn’t stop him.
Before I left their room, their closet door opened. A big fanged
mouth smiled at me.
I smiled back.
TJ
“Well?”
Carl had delivered about half his mail for the day. The rest was for Jeff, the IT guy on this floor. Jeff seemed to be lost in space, earbuds jammed into his ears.
Naturally Jeff ordered most of the packages. And while his workstation was arranged such that he could easily see Carl or anyone approaching from across the room, he was so engrossed …
“Hey!”
No response.
“Jeff!”
Nothing.
Carl yanked an earbud from Jeff’s ear.
Last thing he or anyone there heard was the tiny earbud speaker repeating “Don’t kill … don’t kill … don’t kill …”
Justin
Jason slipped alone into the bed. Sleeping alone was normal, but he got the bed, not the couch, because his wife was away for three days at the voodoo conference. He’d enjoy his last peaceful night.
He awoke running his fingers through his wife’s hair. His eyes flew open with realization. He looked down his arm and saw a thick mass of blond hair. He cringed. His wife always left loose strands around the house.He’d clean house tomorrow.
He screamed as the hair crawled up his arm. The screams turned to a gurgle as they tightened around his neck.
Norval Joe
The youths hid beneath the bushes and peered across the lawn.
“I can’t see leaveing something like that laying around in plain site,” Olef shuddered. “It’s disgusting.”
“Maybe, but I’ve heard those statues have magical abilities. One in the garden makes the plants grow better.”
“Give me a break Sven, I don’t think it’s a statue at all. Look, I just saw it move.”
“It can’t move, Olef. It’s just painted plastic.”
“Well, they should’ve painted more clothes on it. It’s nearly naked. Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
They put on their pointed red caps and crawled away.
Anima
“What is it, Billy?”
“HURRY! I saw it move!”
(entering the dark room, mom clicks on the light)
“What did you see Billy?”
“Over there in the corner – I saw it move!”
“Easy now, champ, that’s nothing but your clothes from yesterday.”
(mom leans down and opens a trap door near the bed. a tentacle reaches out, wrapping itself around the bed post. mom delivers 50,000 volts from a pink taser; the tentacle retracts quickly. yelps of pain are heard.)
“But if you don’t cut out this nonsense son, I WILL release the monsters from under your bed.”
Planet Z
I saw it move.
The dragon in that painting blinked its eyes, curls of smoke rising from its snout.
Growling.
Then, that couple… the nice people you carried out of here, or what was left of them… he tried to eat them.
I screamed at it. I yelled for it to stop.
It didn’t.
I tried to pull them away. It knocked me down with a wing.
Those poor, nice people. Spending an afternoon in the art museum, looking at paintings.
The dragon awakening. Attacking them.
No, it’s not moving now. Of course not.
It has fed, so it sleeps.
Metaphysical Therapy
597819
Mother was a Freudian psychiatrist.
Every time she tried to analyze me, she’d say “Tell me about your mother.”
And I’d say “Um, mom? That’s you, stupid!”
She’d nod. And then I’d be sent to bed without dinner.
Later, after I busted my knee and had surgery, I ended up with a metaphysical therapist.
Instead of building strength in my knee with exercise, we debated the nature of all existence and if it was still my knee or something entirely new.
Not only did I end up totally confused, the damn thing still hurts like a son of a bitch.
The Dwarves at Night
605018
Sarah noticed that she smelled of strawberries when she woke up.
The shower washed it away, but every night, it kept coming back.
One night, she awoke to a pair of dwarves, lifting up her shirt and opening the lid of a jar of strawberry jam.
She pulled her shirt back down.
“What do you two think you’re doing?” she snarled.
The dwarves looked at each other and then back at her.
“Do you not like strawberry?” one asked.
Sarah said “There’s grape jelly in the fridge.”
She went back to sleep, and woke up feeling sticky and quite relieved.
Bother The Shit
605022
My Uncle Leo bothers the shit out of me.
He literally bothers the shit out of everyone.
Yes, he’s a professional constipation remedy.
He’s most effective when he bothers the shit out of you in person, but he’s so bothersome, he can do it over the phone or even by email.
There’s recordings of Uncle Leo on the Internet being sold without his permission, but they’re not as effective as the real thing.
And some of them are downright dangerous, remixed to the point where he literally bothers the hell of you.
Try closing that dimensional portal in your ass!
PENALTY STORY: The City Of The Dead
605027
The entire city is rubble.
No bombs. No floods.
Earthquake.
Bodies covered with dust, blood, and debris all over the place.
There is no light, except for the fires sweeping through buildings and the moonlight in this grimy night.
No sirens of ambulances. Water flowing through busted pipes.
Just endless screaming, crying, and shrieking.
In French, Spanish, and English they shout “Why?”
Another aftershock, a rumble… more clouds of dust kicked up in the air, people run but have nowhere to go.
I pick up the remote and bring up the program guide.
There must be something else on TV.
Dragged through the mud
605030
I like to drag people’s names through the mud.
So, when it rains, I gather up the phonebooks and drag them through the mud.
People think I’m just playing in the mud and they point and laugh at me, but the joke is on them!
Unless they have an unlisted number, their names are being dragged through it.
I have an unlisted number, so I’m not dragging my name through the mud.
I’m as clean as a whistle.
Well, except for this mud on me. But you can’t avoid getting mud on you when you drag names through the mud.
Tuesday Tax
605018
He goes door to door, collecting the Tuesday Tax.
Sometimes, it’s a chicken. Other times, it’s a flake of gold.
I pay with recycled motor oil.
Nobody ever pays the Tuesday Tax in cash.
The law doesn’t require it, so people take their frustration out on the Tuesday Tax Man with the most difficult of barter to exchange.
He writes his collections in a huge ledger, tears off a receipt, and drags everything back to his truck before moving on.
We found his body the next day, silver bullet in his chest.
He wrote the receipt in his own blood.
The Dolls
605016
No matter how deep I dig, I keep bringing up buckets full of dolls.
I knew that my dog steals them from neighborhood kids to bury in the back yard, but I never knew how many until I had to put in new flowers.
There’s hundreds… thousands in here.
There’s no way my dog did all of this. It’s just too many, and way too deep.
As I go back down, two dolls fall on my head.
I look up.
It’s my dog… and another dog.
He’s teaching others.
A howl. More dogs come.
Dirt rains down.
They’re burying me!