Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates didn’t think much of George.
None of them were his Facebook friends.
He’d send friend requests out, but nobody accepted them.
They didn’t let him into the ship’s private group or let him post on the public page.
After a while, George gave up trying.
He became less enthusiastic about being a pirate.
He growled and scowled at his crewmates, sneaking more than his share of treasure.
And he occasionally treated their captives in a cruel manner.
“There’s hope for him yet,” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was sick of having to watch broadcast television shows, so he stole cable from the harbormaster’s office.
This severely limited the ship’s range, or it ended up yanking out the cable.
So, George stole a satellite television subscription.
Which wasn’t much use, because the boat rolled with the waves, disrupting satellite tracking.
George then stole a Marine VSAT dish, which tracked satellites automatically with computers and GPS.
“We be stealing television!” growled George. “Yarr.”
The captain reminded him about stealing treasure.
“That would be nice too,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to cover himself with phosphorescent seaweed and wander around the ship, moaning like a ghost.
“Cut it out, George,” said the captain.
George stopped bothering his crewmates and sulked.
But that night, George roamed the docks and the streets, annoying the locals.
“I am the ghost of George the Pirate!” he yelled. “BOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Who?” asked a prostitute.
“George,” said George. “I’m a pirate ghost.”
“Whatever,” said the prostitute. “Five pieces of eight for this piece of ass.”
It was amazing what she could do with phosphorescent seaweed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Just as a poor craftsman blames his tools, so does a poor pirate.
George was always blaming his equipment.
His sword didn’t have good balance, and it never kept its edge.
The trigger on his flintlock pistol kept sticking. Or it would get jammed, and he’d have to clear it.
His boots were too tight, or his hat was too loose.
“Just shut up and stand still, George,” said the captain. “Now everybody say cheese.”
All of the pirates smiled, except for George, and the captain took the photo.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His captives would ransom themselves with checks, and then stop payment right after they were freed.
Or they’d give George their credit card number, and then cancel the card the moment they reached a phone.
“I’ll PayPal you,” one said. “What’s your email address?”
Eventually, George put his foot down, and wouldn’t accept anything but cash.
So when his captives would open their wallets and show they only have five or ten bucks, he’d take it and let them go.
“You know they have families, right?” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
What little he knew about piracy, he wrote down and applied for a patent.
Oddly enough, the Patent Office approved his application.
He then sued every pirate in the world and demanded royalties.
A few pirates signed licensing agreements with George, and they could continue to engage in piracy if they helped to hunt down those who didn’t sign agreements.
Eventually, the rogue pirates banded together, hired a big law firm, and got the patent overturned.
Pirates once again sailed the seas.
Except George, because he was blacklisted industry-wide.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t much of a fighter.
Just like that bull, Ferdinand, who’d rather smell flowers than fight.
One day, as George was walking through a meadow, he came across Ferdinand, who was smelling the flowers.
George sat down next to the bull, and they enjoyed the peaceful evening.
Then, George led Ferdinand back to the ship, and the pirate crew slaughtered him and they had a huge feast.
The next day, George went back to the meadow and enjoyed it alone, without a huge stinking animal next to him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he failed on the high seas, he tried his hand on the rails.
That’s right. George became a train robber, but he wasn’t a very good train robber.
His timing was a bit off, and he’d swing from his ship’s mast behind the passing train, ending up falling into the berm.
But then, it was better than falling ahead of the passing train.
Once he got aboard, he’d draw his pistols and…
“Ticket, please,” said the conductor.
George shrugged and got off.
And went back to his ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the crew went drinking, George drank herbal tea with the bartender.
When the crew went carousing, George discussed recent news with the bartender.
When the crew went whoring, George exchanged jokes with the bartender.
After a hard night of drinking, carousing, and whoring, George’s crewmates woke up in the alley, money and valuables gone.
George was the only one not to get robbed.
“Do you think they’ll figure it out?” said the bartender.
“I don’t think so,” said George, counting out coins. “Half for you, half for me.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He didn’t bother with the latest pirate fashions and trends.
No hook hands, no peg legs, no eyepatches, no puffy shirts.
Well, he did try a parrot on for size, but the thing kept biting his ear.
So, George set it free.
The parrot flew away, and then, when it realized it was over the deep ocean, turned back and tried to catch up with the ship.
But it was too tired, and eventually fell into the water and drowned.
“Serves you right for biting my ear,” said George.