Sticky Situation

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I can’t decide which is worse – having to scrape all this gum from under these desks all day or mopping up the shit and piss from a dead kid.
Yeah, it’s a real headscratcher.
You see, bubblegum is easy to poison. Just use a powder that looks like the sugar they dust this crap with.
The wrappers untwist without tearing. A little heat seals them back up.
Then you leave it out in a candy dish, the kid takes it… and WHAM problem solved.
Usually, they swallow it.
I hate it when it falls out and sticks to the floor.

The Tenth Commandment

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Moses waited for the tablets to cool before picking them up.
“Are you going to keep these,” asked God. “or are you going to be a prick and smash them again?”
“My blood sugar was low,” said Moses. “And besides, you had some pretty bad spelling errors on that last pair.”
“It’s not my fault you dumb Jews don’t write down vowels,” said God.
“‘Thou shalt spell Michelle with one L?'” said Moses. “What the hell is that about? Who the fuck is Michele?”
“Hurry up, messenger boy,” said God. “Your people are going nuts again.”
Moses bowed and left.

Let there be milk!

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Without the miracle, the wedding feast would have been a flop.
But now that the celebrants were drunk on the transformed wine and the party was coming to a close, it was time to clean up.
“Can you turn the wine back into water?” said Thomas. “The mugs need rinsing. Oh, and there’s some vomit to mop up, too.”
Jesus waved his mighty hand over the pitcher…
Nothing.
“It’s still wine,” he growled.
An hour later, the best he could come up with was milk.
“Well, that sucks,” said Thomas. “I guess we’ll just set this out with the coffee.”

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 65

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Throughout the city, the Founding Fathers were rising from their graves, walking around the town in their tattered rags.
Abraham Lincoln was overjoyed.
“What do they think of my handling of the current conflict?” asked Lincoln. “And what do they think of their beloved Constitution now?”
“We don’t know,” said Stanton. “They keep moaning ‘brains’ and eating people.”
Lincoln frowned and picked up a shotgun. “I guess we’d better take care of this quickly.”
Bill Seward grabbed Lincoln’s sleeve. “You can’t possibly be suggesting we attack the Founding Fathers?”
Lincoln pointed the shotgun at Seward. “Maybe you’re one of them…”

Weekly Challenge #34 – Rehab

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Welcome to the thirty-fourth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Steve from iLaugh and he chose Rehab.
Ten stories were submitted this week. Double digits!
No rookies this week? BOOOOOOOOOO!
And, as always, the usual madness by Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story in Weekly Challenge #34?
Elisson of blog d’Elisson
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast
Lisa from Lemons and Lollipops
Andrew of Dodgeblogium
Caroline from Quadra
T.A. Marquette of Footnote
B
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Lee from Read Strange
PJ from No Deep Thoughts
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner the cost of a cup of coffee through PayPal. And who’s on the five dollar bill? Heh heh heh…
So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
ELISSON

Superman strained, sweat glistening on his brow. Nothing happened.
It had been two months since his last brush with Lex Luthor – ambushed in a cave lined with green kryptonite.
He was lucky to be alive – but he was still weak as a Super-kitten.
Sure, his X-ray vision was almost fully intact. He could even bend steel bars, leap buildings at a single bound. But not all of his muscles had recovered after eight weeks of rehab, and the wolf was at the door.
He tried again. Strain. Clink.
That takes care of the rent, he thought. I’m back!

CALEB

You told me to try art therapy; you said that playing a musical instrument would keep my mind off of my addiction and my hands busy. So I did.
I went for a walk along the sea side playing my axe when I heard someone playing along. I followed the sound and happened upon an octopus playing a xylophone.
So we jammed. Music knows no language; no inter-species bigotry.
And when I tell you about how I was horbgorbling along playing my sousaphone with a cephalopod, you want to keep me in rehab for an extra two months? I’m outraged!

LISA

“Hello, my name is Lisa.”
“Hello, Lisa.”
The crowd waited, anticipating more…
“Well, the holidays, and well, the little baby in the manger just looked so cute, all those lights, the music, my parents’ hopeful faces… I don’t know why I couldn’t control it, how it managed to seep into my brain. I can’t explain why or how I lost my reason. But it’s gone. All gone.”
After the meeting, she prepared herself for what was to come: three weeks of detox with a head full of electrodes, hooked up to the “de-jesus” machine at the Dawkins’ Atheist Rehab Centre.

ANDREW

Rehab, god I hate bloody rehab. I made the mistake of going last year.
Not because I was addicted to anything you see but for the schmoozing.
The damn place was full of music business types cleaning up because of
their employers latest campaign against drug use.
D.T.s didn’t stop the bragging about the girls and hitts, then there’s
Pete Doherty.
I never believed it but there is a lot of truth in believing that
people who behaved like arseholes on coke were no less arseholes
when they were sober.

Being in rehab damn near drove me to do drugs.

CAROLINE

Keeping up appearances was very important for the Brown’s. When John put himself in rehab, Mary kept up the sham that he was away on business. She even went for a week to her mothers on the pretext of visiting him. All was going well until he found out his dog had been hit by a car. He came out so that he could bury her. But half way through detox and unpredictable he ran through the neighbourhood in his PJ’s. Wearing only one sock and loudly proclaiming ‘diddle diddle dumpling my son John’ the game was up.

B

Granny’s addiction was getting way out of hand. At first, no one cared that she was hooked. The past 3 years had been her happiest since Grandpa passed away. Her depression had lifted as if by magic.
But the family had grown weary of having Granny hyped up all the time. Always anticipating her next fix. She no longer hosted holiday gatherings or made her signature cookies and pies, and, worst of all – she had ceased making quilts for the newborn grandchildren.
An intervention was in the works.
Fran called the Senior Travel Club….”Hello? I need to cancel a membership…..”

LAIEANNA

He stared outside the window, wishing his youth would return. The
substance did different things back then. It made him fly! What
changed? A girl. She wasn’t his first love, but she had shown him a
new use for the powder.
Friends hated his sour attitude. In no time, his boyish nature and
wild ways were reduced to a sad man huddled on the floor of a cold
manor.
Who knew pixie dust could become an addictive drug. The institute was
trying to help him quit, but he knew it was too late. He would never
go back to Neverland.

LEE

Five years after the operation, Lisa was still visiting her doctor.
“My eye doesn’t work.”
Dr. Borges sighed. “You’re eye works fine. Here, read these letters.”
“A-E-R-T-D-S-P-C”
“Told you. Eye works fine.”
“Eye does not work fine.”
“It does.”
“Doesn’t.”
“D…ok look. I’m gonna suggest you see a specialist friend of mine. There’s nothing else I can do for you.”
Lisa went home in a funk, made herself tea and picked up the phone.
“Rehab.”
“Hello, I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Shank.”
“Specifically what for?”
Lisa took a deep breath. “Well, apparently, I have a blinking problem.”

PJ

Are you serious?
I don’t belong here!
But the woman who thought she was in charge of all things Paula had heard this all before… and only shook her head.
“It’s for your own good”, she said, in a condescending way.
Well..
The only thing Paula hated worse than being told what to do is being told what to do in a condescending way.
“Give me the credit cards dear, you’ll feel a lot better”, she sneered.
Paula quickly exited, leaving the now bloodied scissors on the floor behind her.
Shopping Addiction Rehab?
Shopping IS what makes her feel better.

Z

Hard drives die.
Memory banks forget.
Systems get infected with viruses.
Connections are healthy.
And so on.
As machinery becomes more lifelike, so does the terminology.
Take for instance, this robot. Ninth generation, limited artificial intelligence, but an extremely life-like carapace.
I mean skin.
We call it a “him.” We thank “him” for performing a task.
And if he fails to perform, we take him to the rehab clinic for rehabilitation, not the repair shop for diagnosis and calibration.
Of course, those with cybernetic prostheses now say they’re going in to the shop for repairs.
Fair’s fair, I suppose.


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album.)

Edison’s Orphans

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The most dangerous place on the planet is not Iraq or Gaza or some war-torn hellhole, but the sidewalk around the Patent Office.
It used to be easy to get from the street to the front door, but these days every scatterbrained crackpot in the country has been drawn like a magnet to this place.
Edison once said that genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, but these folks ain’t geniuses, so that other one percent is probably booze.
Try to resist the temptation to use up your Bumblaster (patent pending) batteries, hold your nose, and follow me.

Running On Empty

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I wake up, smelling… burnt meat?
Everything’s swimmy and wild.
Am I drugged?
There’s a swirling, kaleidoscope medic standing over me. He moves his lips, but I can’t understand what he’s saying.
He writes on a card, holds it up: “Do you hear that beeping sound?”
I try to shake my head, but it’s strapped down.
“No,” I say.
I can feel myself saying No, but I can’t hear it.
The medic writes more: “What do you remember?”
“I was checking the gas can. Then, I saw a bright flash, and then… this.”
The medic writes again: “With a lighter?”

Under The Big Guy’s Big Top

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The sharpshooter’s act ended without bloodshed, so the ringmaster waved out the gymnasts.
Seventeen agile Frenchmen pranced their way to the center ring, somersaulting and leaping with great skill.
Just as they finished their Parisian Pyramid, the trapeze artists screamed… the rigging was giving way.
The tent’s canvas ripped open quickly, revealing a horrific sight: the stars were careening wildly around the sky like drunken moths.
The astonished tumblers fell to the ground in a groaning pile, but the bearded old man in the audience began to laugh and applaud.
“Splendid!” God said. “Best night I’ve had in eons! Bravo.”

Double A Meets Four F

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Planetary Defense Command doesn’t want you to save the last bullet for yourself.
We’re supposed to fire it at the enemy and charge with fixed bayonets, but nobody’s had bayonets for centuries.
As for bullets, I look at my rifle. One last bar on the battery indicator.
Then it flashes… flashes… flashes…
I should have brought a spare.
Not enough for a last shot, but enough for a spark.
The rifle battery hooks on the oxygen tank perfectly.
They designed it to do this. When we’re out of batteries, we’re nothing but bombs to PDC.
I hunker down and wait.

Tiny Dancer

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As I’m sorting through my Inbox, tossing out spam and endless discussion threads, my littlest cat jumps up on top of my desk, sticks her tail in her mouth, and does a little mewing pirouette.
“Mew!” she squeaks. “Mew! Mew! Mew!”
It’s cute and silly, but after a minute of this I get a little concerned.
Is something wrong?
“What is it, Piper?” I ask.
She stops and looks me straight in the eye, tail still in her mouth.
“Mew!” she insists.
And she goes back to turning circles on the desk with her tail.
What a weird little cat.