George and Magilla

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After his parrot flew away, he needed a new pet worthy of a pirate.
So, he bought a monkey from the Peebles Pet Store.
It was a rather large monkey, and it wore a bow tie and a silly hat.
“Call me Magilla,” it said. “Got any bananas?”
The monkey’s appetite soon put George in a financial bind.
He couldn’t afford to keep him.
So, George returned the monkey to the pet store.
And he stole a turtle. Because at least he could catch it if it ran away.

George and the cows

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d been all around the world, but mostly by accident or as a result of poor navigation.
When he found himself in India, he tried his usual hostage-taking and ransoming racket.
However, all he could manage to do was take some cows captive.
“They believe that these are their reincarnated ancestors, right?” said George.
So, he sent ransom notes to their relatives.
Who had also died and come back as cows.
George ended up with three gallons of milk, which he traded for a map back to Port Royal.

George and the fireworks show

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Wherever George went, explosions were sure to follow.
Cannons, muskets, powder kegs, flares…
Once, his hat exploded. Nobody was sure why or how.
The townspeople watched from the docks and cheered and ooohed and aaahed.
They thought it was a fireworks show.
Members of the local symphony came out to the docks and played along.
And then, as a grand finale, a massive series of explosions lit up the docks.
Every ship went up in flames. The crowd cheered.
Well, except for those who owned those ships, of course.

George and the breakfast menu

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never got to restaurants in time for their breakfast menus.
“But my watch says five til eleven,” said George.
“My clock says eleven, sorry,” said the woman at the counter.
George knew that if he made threats, he’d be arrested and end up in a viral video.
George learned to make his own breakfast.
So did lots of people, and the woman at the counter lost her job and ended up as a homeless beggar.
“Sorry, my wallet says ‘fuck you’,” said George, walking by the homeless beggar.

George washes his hands

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He washed his hands a lot, singing “This is the way we wash our hands!” while he washed them.
George thought if he did it early in the morning, the other pirates wouldn’t make fun of him singing.
But his singing woke them up, and they’d mock how he washed his hands, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and brushed his hair.
Right up to the point they died from bad hygiene.
George waved goodbye to their corpses as they were buried at sea.
Early in the morning.

George rebooted

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Disney liked the concept, and bought it for millions.
But after two successful movies, they brought in a director who rebooted the franchise.
Instead of George, they featured Georgette, a black lesbian pirate who was the best at everything pirates do.
Hundreds of millions of dollars went into a Disney Plus series, and even more money was spent on reshoots.
Fans of the original George who criticized the new Georgette were called racists, sexists, bigots, and homophobes.
Despite terrible ratings, a second season was ordered, and it was worse.

George summer camp

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And you know what they say about those who can’t do.
So, he ran a summer pirate camp for kids.
Instead of making arts and crafts, they pillaged and looted.
Paddling their war canoes across the lake to raid other summer camps for their arts and crafts.
At the end of the summer, the kids would collect the ransom payments, pack their treasure, and head back home.
George wouldn’t see them for another year.
Well, except for the kids who signed up for the after-school pirate camp, that is.

George gets played

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Then again, when it came to women, he had a girl in every port.
Sometimes, two or three.
The problem was, after a while, the women got to talking, and they felt like they were getting played by George.
One minute, George was at the bar, drinking a tankard of beer.
The next, he was being dragged out by several of his former girlfriends.
They’d slipped a little something into his beer.
Three hours later, he woke up, hanging from a lamp post.
By what, I dare not mention.

George the Barber

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he gave up being a pirate and became a barber.
He partnered with the tavern next door so that customers could have a drink or two while they waited.
At first, some customers got drunk and rowdy, but they learned to police themselves, and only got a little tipsy before George would say “NEXT!”
He made good business, and the information he gathered from those tipsy customers was priceless.
Her Majesty’s Navy were delighted to listen as they came in for haircuts.
And they tipped George quite handsomely.

George MP

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The Pirate Party of Sweden called George and asked him if he was interested in running for parliament.
“But I’m not Swedish,” said George.
“Nobody is anymore,” said the Pirate Party representative. “Damned immigrants.”
George ran a sloppy campaign, but he more than made up for it at the debates.
He killed two of his opponents, and horribly maimed a third.
Running unopposed and under indictment for murder, George won the ballot easily.
“Now what?” said George, standing in Parliament, surrounded by people in suits babbling in incomprehensible Swedish.