Apple Fatwah

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Andrew Ian Dodge looks across The Pond at a new Mecca…

Those who got offended by the Danish Mohammed Cartoons of Death might take exception to a new Apple store that looks just like the focus of the Haj. Several wags in the news refer to it as the Apple mecca. Just think of it: future generations will be used to hearing from Islamists that “Apple computers are the tool of the infidel.” There will be fatwas for believers to trash every Mac they find and burn Apple shops worldwide. Universities in the US will fall prey to Muslim pressure and no longer sell Macs to their students. Infidel Mac die!

The Hottest Girl In Class

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By far, Veronica was the hottest girl in the class. She’ll really make you sweat.
At 900 degrees, ordinary desks would melt or burst into flame at her slightest touch. So she sat at the back of the class in a massive heat-sink, uncomfortable in her tungsten gown, taking notes with a ceramic stylus.
On most days, the air handlers barely kept up with her, but today we’ve got all the windows open in January.
Nobody sits next to her at lunch, although some occasionally approach her asking if she’ll reheat their soup or grill their sandwiches between her palms.

Waiting For Pentecost

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They carried his broken, bleeding body to the cave, weeping with every step.
They laid him down, bade their farewells, and sealed the cave entrance with a massive rock.
Three days later, he arose, clad in pure white raiment. He leaped to the mouth of the cave, rolled the rock away, and stepped into the blinding sunlight. Almost as quickly, he retreated into the depths of the cave, shaken and fearful.
That terrible dark shape on the ground! He shivered in horror. Could it have been the Devil himself?
No matter. After six more weeks, Punxsutawney Jesus would try again.

Bizarre Weather

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A creepy story in the fog-filled alleyways of London from you-know-who:

“A journalist has been found turned inside out near the O2 centre this morning..”
“Oh did they say who it was Sage?”
“Yes it was a certain Jonathan Grimes of Groniad fame.”
“Oh yes him. Did they say how he happened to be in such a state?’
“Nope, but there were reports of bizarre weather in that part of Greenwich last night. And Londoners were complaining of a strong fishy smell all over the city.”
“No one else was hurt I hope.”
“Not that its says here.”
“I suppose we will need to investigate…” sighed Rupert.
“Yes, I suspect so.”

Headache pills

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Jennie pulled open the mirror and fumbled through the bottles of pills.
“Where are you… where are you…” she muttered, pulling bottle after bottle off of the shelves, looking at their labels, and dropping them in the sink.
“Where are my headache pills?” she whined.
She then looked in each of the drawers, sliding each one out and then slamming them shut.
No headache pills.
She turned out the light, went back to bed, and felt a lump under the pillow.
The pills!
She shook one out of the bottle and dry-swallowed it.
Pain filled her skull.
“Not tonight, dear…”

Aryan Nations

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Andrew Ian Dodge plays connect the dots with the common enemies of civilization and peace…

A poser for you clever lot:
If you are the head of Aryan Nations do you support an invasion of Iran?
The reason we ask this is that Iran means Aryan. The Nazis were keen on Iran (as they considered them fellow aryans) and spent a great deal of effort exploring the country. Persian prayer rugs have the swastika on them in its various forms. And lets face it Iranians, or at least their leaders currently, share an absolute loathing for Jews with the Aryan Nations. I am betting the AN lot would cheer if Israel was nuked by Iran.

Block Of Ages

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Furtive whispers in the dark.
Thirty pieces of silver change hands. In moments, the purported Messiah is in irons.
He is led in chains through the streets of Jerusalem, where the mobs howl for his death.
“Behead him! Behead him!”
He is led to the hill at Calvary, where stands the grim scaffold. The axe falls.
Two thousand years later, James Avery enjoys a successful business selling miniature Chopping Blocks, and on Good Friday, Christians everywhere commemorate the Decapitation.
In this world of Humane Romans, the Nicene Creed reads:
“He lost his head so that you could lose your sins.”

The Dangerous Salad

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I ordered a Chef’s Salad, but the chef didn’t want to part with his salad. He does that sometimes, the crazy bastard.
So I ended up with a Dangerous Salad instead.
Nothing was dangerous about the ingredients themselves, mind you. From the iceberg lettuce to the herb-encrusted wheat bread croutons, you’d assume that it would be benign.
You’d assume wrongly. Because a salad’s ingredients might all be ordinary, it’s the arrangement of those ingredients that can have fatal consequences.
Well, that and the salad dressing. I mean, who ever heard of Arnsenic Vinaigrette?
I specifically ordered fat-free Arnsenic Vinaigrette, dammit.

Dilemma

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Andrew Ian Dodge returns with a tricky dilemma…

“…Define a dilemma then Sage ole boy? If you don’t think killing a horde of Deep Ones by blowing up most of a town or not, is one?” Rupert queried over his pint.
The Sage paused briefly. He spoke warmly to his friend and colleague. “What would you do if had a choice between turning back a Great Old One for a few more centuries or having a significant chance of helping to stop 100s of deaths from a suicide bomber?
Rupert, normally rapid in response, sat stunned.
“I had to make that call with minutes to spare. Tough innit?”

Deadly Technology

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Technology always was a double-edged sword, and the Orgasmotron was no exception.
That was the popular name for it. The geeks that created it called it the Cerebrostimulator, and it swept the world.
A minor surgical procedure was all it took to implant the socket. The control unit was about the size of a Blackberry. You could stimulate every pleasure center in your brain with a touch of a button.
Hamburger. Pizza. Orgasm.
Aaaahhhhhhh.
76 countries banned it, even before people started dying.
700 consecutive orgasms, no food for weeks. They died like flies, but with smiles on their faces.