The Torturer’s Apprentice

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So people are whining about prisoners getting tortured?
Big freaking deal.
The problem I have with it is that we’re getting bad intelligence out of these scumbags when we torture them.
The best interrogator can get information out of a prisoner without leaving a scratch or the prisoner even knowing that he’s played his whole hand.
But where’s the fun in that? For what they’ve done, some of these bastards deserve to suffer.
Now pass me the cordless drill and the handmirror. This goddamned son of a bitch blew up a convent and I want him to see his spleen.

The Adventures of Mustard Man – Chapter 16

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Before the days of over-the-counter cough syrup and inhalers, people used something called a mustard plaster.
To make them, they’d grind up mustard seed and mix it with flour and water to make a paste. Then they’d put that stinky goop on a towel and hold it to their chests.
The warmth and aroma helped people breathe. Although it did sometimes burn the skin because it was left on too long.
These days it’s pretty rare that someone knows how to make a good mustard plaster.
I know how to make them. Why do you think my breathing’s so clear?

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 43

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Abe stopped the horse in the middle of the stream and began to cry.
“I want a new horse!” he moped. “This one is tired.”
“That’s not a good idea,” said his wife Mary Todd. “You’re in the middle of a stream.”
“Can I put on new pants, then?” asked Abe.
“Why on earth would you want new pants?” asked Mary Todd. “Did you have some sort of accident?”
“I’d rather not say,” said Abe.
“I’ll find out eventually,” said Mary Todd. “I’m the one who washes them, you know.”
Abe shrugged, smiled, and then ordered the burning of Atlanta.

Jesse’s Girl

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Ever since he first heard the song, Dr. Odd has been working hard on getting Jesse’s girl for Rick Springfield.
At first, he tried pheromones and hypnosis. That just made her confused and somewhat psychotic.
He considered violently removing Jesse from the picture, but that would just get the girl worried about Jesse.
Finally, he decided cloning was the correct route. Using accelerated growth tanks, he produced a perfect biological replica.
Without any of the emotional or intellectual experience of Jesse’s girl, of course. Her mind was a complete blank.
As for Dr. Odd, well, success hasn’t spoiled him yet.

The Soup

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Have you tried the soup?
Oh. My. God.
This has got to be the best soup in the world.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had this soup.
It’s got noodles. It’s got garlic. It’s got what I think are shallots. Maybe some thinly sliced mushrooms in there, too.
I know what you’re thinking. I’ve gone nuts. Nobody gets this excited over soup.
Well, that’s what I thought. Until I picked up a bowl and a spoon, and I tried it. And then…
Well, you know the rest.
So, are you going to try the soup?
No?
THEN DIE, HEATHEN PIG!

The Mad Grooms Brigade

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Some states allowed gay marriage. Others blocked it.
Just like the Jayhawks of Bleeding Kansas two centuries ago, the Mad Grooms Brigade formed in Massachusetts to spread awareness though ideological skirmishes.
They conducted border raids into Rhode Island and Connecticut, throwing cooked brown rice at weddings and registering at various upscale department stores or specialty shops.
It was the seditious flower arrangements that had the greatest impact.
Once discovered, they’d flee back across the border, out of the reach of the closed-minded long arm of the law.
Plenty of time to regroup. Plenty of time to plan.
War is hell.

Searching

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I don’t know which came first: Diogenes going blind or the poor old fool running out of oil in his lamp.
He’s stumbling around the back alleys, still searching for an honest man. All these years, he has yet to find one.
Yes, he’s asked me if I’m honest. Who hasn’t he?
I’ve responded “I don’t think I’m a totally honest person, but I try my best.”
Diogenes would chuckle and say “I believe you’re right. Keep up the good work.”
It is sad that he’s blind, because all it would take now is a mirror to end his quest.

The Sleep

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Just like bears and other forest creatures, creative websites hibernate too, you know.
They fatten up on content, build up their code nice and thick before withdrawing into their backup storage to last out the harsh winter.
Their pulse slows to an almost imperceptible thud.
Some sites fail to hear the call to sleep, so they rustle about, foraging for data.
They stumble about, blind and hungry.
When they come across each other, they fight, leaving bloody trails in the snow to mark their battles.
Eventually, the sleeping sites awaken to see their battle-torn comrades.
Thus, virtual life goes on.

The Adventures of Mustard Man – Chapter 15

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You’re probably wondering where I’ve been.
Well, the recent earthquake in Pakistan and India affected a lot of the mustard crop. A lot of the world’s mustard supply comes from those two rival countries.
Did you know that? I did.
And that’s why I went. Not just to lend a helping hand to the human victims of the tragedy, but to make sure that the mustard supply wasn’t endangered.
Because after those two countries, we’d have to rely on Canada.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as Mustard Man, it’s that you can never rely on Canada.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 42

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“All I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother,” said Abraham Lincoln.
“So what advice did she give you?” asked Mary Todd.
“The last thing she said was ‘God fucks everyone up the ass with a hammer!’ really loud,” said Abe. “It makes perfect sense, too.”
“What kind of hammer?” asked Mary Todd.
“Um…” stammered Abe. “I don’t know.”
Abe spent the rest of his life shoving different hammers up his ass. Claw hammers, sledge hammers, jackhammers…
Only as he was strolling bowlegged into Ford’s Theater did he realize he should have shoved them in handle-first.