Weekly Challenge #91 – Clowns

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Welcome to the Ninety-first Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Planet Z.
It’s Looking Back On 2008
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Who had the best stories in Weekly Challenge #90?
Kelly from Come Let Me Whisper
Duckyfresh from SLCN
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast
Tom from Footnote
JD from Writing.com
Guy David at Guy David dot com
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Terry the Old Coot
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


KELLY BURT

Ok what f-ed-up person was the first to think, “Yes, clowns”you know, for the kids.”
Clowns are terrifying–you know, for the adults. I have never been a fan of clowns…I know, what a surprise. Clowns are evil. They are the ones that walk the night in search of victims. People are afraid of things that go bump in the night, but they should be afraid of CLOWNS! They wear make-up and lurk. I hate things that lurk. I know that I must find a way to rid us of these foul creatures. I hope that there is a cure.

DUCKYFRESH

The wise Bart Simpson once said, “Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me.” We laughed at the time; we all thought it was a funny gag because really, clowns won’t eat you in your sleep. That’s not very clown-like behavior at all. I certainly don’t find it amusing one bit to think clowns might creep into your bedroom with fork and knife at the ready, to gobble you up while you slumber peacefully. I am quite certain there is a rule in the Clown Book of Ethics that strictly forbids such nocturnal atrocities. The clowns prefer you awake and screaming anyway.

CALEB

Ever since his last trip to Arkham Asylum the Joker, that one time clown prince of crime decided to go straight. His penchant for wild inventions and gadgetry quickly made him the richest man in all of Gotham. Corporate takeovers proved even more exciting than heists and were so much more profitable. Still, he did wish he could exact vengeance on that meddlesome Batman.
When an accountant notified him of some irregularities in the recent Wayne Corps acquisition, he couldn”t help but smile even wider. Atomic cars? Helicopters? At shareholder expense? Batman was done for.

TOM

I have notice same memories are no longer connect to corporal space. I no longer remember having been at a kiddy clown show. Being the luck child called up to help with a balloon trick. The only latent image in my brain is a 8mm movie shot by my dad. Just as the balloon was growing to amazing lengths the film ran out. The last few seconds of the film turns to a orange red streak and poof I”m and he are gone. I remember being told the clown was Emmett Kelly but it probably was some other 2d clown

JD

Most of the time I love clowns.
The orange hair, large red noses, pants 10 sizes to large, their over size shoes.
They make me laugh until my eyes squirt water like the flowers on their lapels and my voice becomes a croak.
They exhaust me.
This last few weeks I find little to laugh about.
I turn on the TV and there they are.
A full menagerie of clowns, without costumes.
They all say that we, the people, are in trouble and they are the only clowns in town that can fix US.
That’s with a capitol U S

GUY

The clowns came over today. They where just on their way to Kentucky. The big boss knows who to send on an off mission, I mean, no one would suspect a clown. They always get their target and those poor bastards just don’t know what hit them. Was it the little plastic hummer? Maybe it was the pennywhistle? Those are deadly. One note played the right way and all the gray staff comes running out of your ears screaming. Not this time though. This time it was that little electric hand buzzer. Gets them every time. Those clowns are good.

LAIEANNA

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s all just an act.
Don’t be alarmed to see this clown on his back.
He’ll be up again, clowning about,
And when he does, let’s cheer and shout.
Announced as Potato, the fainting clown,
Known one minute to be up and the next minute down.
Life, he spent quiet and shy wherever he’d dwell.
Career, he was magic except those pesky fainting spells.
You’d think and assume it tough on his heart,
But the clown kept strong from the very start.
What did him in one day in fall,
Was bad trajectory of a human cannonball.

TERRY

In the good old days, people who wanted to become clowns ran away to the circus.
Or so Billy Bob thought the legend went. It was a far cry from reality, now that the city put a bounty on their heads.
The bands of clowns and their midget cars involved in drive-by pie in the face incidents were now a daily happening.
The final straw was the mayor’s wife being targeted as she walked down Main Street.
Billy Bob was more than glad to put his army training to work. The money from the bounty would come in handy,
now with jobs were far and few between. All he needed was one of those incidents to happen.
He knew as soon as he heard the car; he was in luck, who else but clowns would be driving like that.
With a quick click, the safety on his rifle was off. Billy Bob would be dining well tonight.
Clowns, damn those clowns!

PLANET Z

There’s an old joke where a guy who’s suicidally depressed goes into a doctor’s office, tells the doctor he’s always miserable while everybody else is so happy.
He’s tried everything ” pills, booze, sex, intense shock therapy… nothing’s worked.
Doctor thinks a bit, says a famous clown is in town, always brings laughter and joy wherever he performs.
Man says “I am Pagliaci.”
Doctor says “What? No, I’m thinking of Bertoli, not you. I mean, let’s face it ” people are laughing because you’re just so awful.”
Then he gives Pagliacci his theater pass, some Zoloft, and kicks him out the door.

Weekly Challenge #90 – Looking Back On 2008

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Welcome to the ninetieth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Caleb Bullen.
It’s Looking Back On 2008
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

What were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #90?
Planet Z
Guy David from Sixteenth
Tom from Footnote
Terry the Old Coot
Robert
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
JD from Writing.com
Kelly Burt from Come Let Me Whisper
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


PLANET Z

And now, a moment with Rabbi Crapman.
You wants to know about 2008? Oy gevalt, That’s a long ways back.
Let me check the Torah.
And… there. 2008.
Jebediah begat Schlomo.
Sylvia begat Nebuchadneezer.
Hymie begat David.
There was a lot of begatting back them. Horny little Jew bastards.
Ah Queen Sharon the Second begat Rufus Cleveland Washington.
Had a taste for dark meat. Couldn’t keep her hands off the schwartzer help.
Miracles. There was a bunch of miracles, too. All sorts of miracles, miracles here and miracles there. Oy gevalt, the miracles.
That’s 2008. That’ll be ten shekels, kid.

GUY DAVID

I remember back in the days, 2008, that’s when the podcaster riots started, angry podcasters going into the streets to protest their working conditions, being stuffed into dungy old basements, being constantly persecuted by the RIAA storm troops and suffering the ridicule of the bad old media, they just wouldn’t take this anymore, they just went into the streets burning ipods and brasiers and shouting obscenities, oh those where the day.
What do you mean that’s not how it happened? You mean there where no protesters on the streets? No obscene words and burning brasiers and stuff? Oh, those wimps.

TOM

Jim with only moments left till it becomes 2009 lets look back on the wacky world that was 2008 Right you are Dan, there was the merger of the Adam Curry”s Podshow and Alt Dot Chicken to create Curry Chicken. And that surprise move by President ObombA when he made Laurence Simon his press secretary. That was one fun week. What”s Laurence doing now Jim. I think it was 10 to 20 Dan. But you have to agree the top story of the years was Martini Club Industries CEO Caleb Bullen”s win of the noble prize in chemistry for flubber.

TERRY THE OLD COOT

Looking back on 2008, as Old Man Time had in so many previous years,
Saw it was like a tree, seedling at first, then throughout the year, growing tall and straight.
His gaze passing over each seasons,
First, spring, white and grey turning into green and fresh, a mighty start.
Next summer, strong, sunny, warmth, reaching for the sky, at its pinnacle.
Fall, the first sign of age, but with vibrant colors, still slowly growing .
Sadly, winter, the bleak snow and cold has stopped its growth.
With a single stroke, Old Man Time swings his sickle to clear away the tree for the next.

ROBERT

Oh how the time has flied
seems like it was just 2007 but we’re looking back on to 2008.
2008 was just a blink
it seems that i can’t remember a thing
i sit and sit trying to think, yet nothing
OH oh wait, perhaps i should look back on what just happened, 2007?
well, lets see, hum hmmmm looks like i can’t remember this either?
i guess i’m losing my “great” memory
january snow
february cold
march LION
april rain
may sleep
june summer
july independence
august Hot
september 5 Years
october BOO
november cold
december writing
THANK GOD!

ELISSON

Tell you about 2008? Sure I can, Jimmy. That was the year everything
changed.
Kinda hard to imagine that, way back then, everybody was worried about
somethin” called “Global Warming.” And some business called
“Islamofascism.” Be honest with ya, I was too little to remember what
that stuff was supposed to be.
Them was crazy times. We used to ride around in “cars,” and get food
from a big ol” building. Right off the shelf! Naw, I ain”t bullshittin” ya!
But all that stuff went away in 2008, when the Space Rock landed smack
dab on a place called “Mecca.”

JD

2008 was the year that we elected the best president that these United States has ever had in our history.
2008 was the year that the stock market shot through the roof and the Dow broke 15000.
2008 was the year that the alternative fuel automobiles replaced gasoline powered automobiles.
2008 was the year that we discovered that there was no global warming or global cooling.
2008 was the year that every movie and television program was worth watching.
2008 was the year that I discovered that I was Superman and could fly.
Now, how about that bridge in Brooklyn.

KELLY

“Why are you going down this road again?” groaned Jenny. Jenny was eleven and not even around in 2008. Why should she care about the past? “This is so boring,” she complained again.
Jenny’s grandmother smiled before replying. “Because it’s important to me, and that should be enough. Besides, I thought you would be pleased that I can remember anything–since I’m old.” Jenny knew she was wrong and was a little disappointed in herself. “Looking back on 2008 always brings me happiness. If you remember, that was the year I gave life to your mother,” reminded Jenny’s patient grandmother.
Thanks, Kelly

CALEB

We all thought the election was going to be such a big deal. We all thought the Olympics were going to be such a big deal. Who knew that one little invention could have taken all the oxygen from those big stories?
In 2008 The Bullshit Engine finally found a use for political speeches, media commentators, preachers and all the other bullshit that got slung at us all the time. Now you can run your car, your electricity, everything really on bullshit. And it”s totally environmentally friendly” well”. Limbaugh”s drug habit isn”t but his bullshit is like sweet light crude.

Weekly Challenge #89 – Nutcracker

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Welcome to the eighty-ninth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Hedgie Till.
It’s Nutcracker
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

What were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #89?
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Tom from Footnote
Terry from The Old Coot Cast
Justin and his Random Thoughts
JD White
Yxes from Podmafia
Houston Keys from Tater Tots For The Masses
Guy David the Night Guy
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


CALEB

Who called you a sissy? Let me tell you back when your grandfather was young, John Nutcracker Fuzzarelli ran this town. They called him Nutcracker because he loved Tchaikovsky. So much so that he used the protection money he made to build a theatre, the drug money to buy the best orchestra in the country, and the prostitution money started the greatest ballet troupe around. So just remember it was a love of classical music that made this town and if those bullies make fun of you again, use your flute case to break their fucking kneecaps that�ll teach em.

TOM

First position four position second position Plie Fouett� jet� Allegro Grand jet�. He soared across the stage gaining height in the face of the faltering god of gravity. He was nearing Nijinsky. He was besting Baryshnikov. Clara�s month dropped open. The Rat King spun around backwards. The Flowers, Russians and Chinese dancers just stood transfixed. Only Drosselmeyer smiled for it was he who had been supplying the steroids to the Nutcracker. The street brand was affectionately called Bull Ball Boost. Unfortunately the leap landed him on top to the 2 bassoon. Not player the instrument. Boy that was a nutcracker.

TERRY

Company Holiday Parties are so much fun.
As I stood, chatting, Cindy Lou entered the room.
She was tall, thin, and quite beautiful.
Her gown was excitingly different from the pant suits she normally wore.
The front of it was low cut and showed off her ample cleavage,
and her long legs seemed to go on forever under the short skirt.
I hurriedly made my way through the crowd to her.
Smiling, she raised her arms for a hug.
I seized my chance and embraced her, pressing her breasts firmly against my chest.
Just as swiftly, her knee shot up between my legs.
yeooowwww..
Cindy Lou was a real Nutcracker

JUSTIN

Most people think nutcrackers are harmless. Trust me, they aren�t.
One day while I was on vacation in New York I was walking through Little Italy and saw a guy called Violent Vinny get whacked. I was the only one around so they grabbed me and encouraged me to act like I saw nothing.
Apparently they weren�t convinced that I�d not talk and felt like they needed to give me a dose of what I�d face if I ever were to go to the cops.
That�s when they got out the nutcracker and left me with this high pitched voice.

JD

The sugar plum fairies froze as big Bill entered the bar.
It was the night before Christmas and everyone knew what the big man was like this time of year.
He had not received a gift in his whole miserable life.
He, without fail, sent letters to Santa.
Registered letters!
He had even once been nice for 364 days.
Big Bill was just the sort of man that was not ever, and I mean never, going to receive a visit from Santa.
The fairies looked down into their drinks as Big Bill strode the bar with the nutcracker held ready.

YXES

He looked like a soldier, standing up so tall and straight
Although he never smiled, he was always looking at some far distant target.
My favorite thing to do with him was to watch him yawn, a big, impossible opening of his mouth,
and then I’d wait to hear a very peculiar crunching sound, not unlike a fabricated cough.
Then, in all the staunch dignity that he could muster, he’d spit out the shell of a walnut, or pecan
or sometimes even an almond, leaving the meat for me and my siblings to snack on.
He was my favorite Nutcracker.

HOUSTON

The A-Team was trapped with only a few Frankie Goes to Hollywood
T-shirts and a large bag of walnuts.
Hannibal ordered Face and Murdoch to crack the walnuts so they could
create a nut based bomb.
They tried using Murdoch’s head, but that didn’t work so well.
Next, Face tried to use his teeth, but his caps kept popping off.
Finally B.A. stepped up. “Stop with all the jibber-jabber! Hand me
those walnuts!”
Placing the walnuts between his well defined gluteus muscles he began
to squeeze until the walnut gave way.
“I pity the fool that tells anyone about this!”

GUY

The nutcracker bird was sitting on a high brunch overlooking the kingdom. The king was standing bellow the apricot tree shouting orders. �Where is my nutcracker? I want to eat some nuts!� he shouted. The bird, hearing the king and wanting to shut him up, did the only thing it could do and dropped some crap on him. �Off with the bird’s head� shouted the king quite angrily, �and do it quick. I’ve got a Tchaikovsky concert to catch. They are playing The Nutcracker Suite.� The bird laughed a little birdie laugh and flew away, as birds would often do.

PLANET Z

I like going to see The Nutcracker every year, but this year I was busy, so I didn’t get to the ballet until after Christmas.
Wow, do those dancers phone it in once the holiday’s passed.
Clara barely acknowledges the gift, which were blow-up sex dolls, a prank by the propmaster.
The Sugar Plum Fairy was chainsmoking while limply dancing on a runny egg yolk of a moon.
The Russian dancers have long since defected, replaced with any homeless willing to dress up in Soviet Army Surplus for ten bucks and a sandwich.
Somewhere, Tchaikovsky is spinning in his grave.
Put a tutu on him, baby!

Weekly Challenge #88 – Christmas

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Welcome to the eighty-eighth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Santa Claus.
It’s Christmas
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #88?
Zack from MothPod and Shameless Plugcast
Terry from Old Cootcast
Guy David from Guy David dot com
JD
Yxes from PodMafia
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Tom from Footnote
Santa Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


ZACK DAGGY

The Holiday is here to celebrate Christ our Lord.
The one day a year that I am not ignored.
Gone are the cold streets, cold nights, and cold gazes.
Replaced by warm seats, warm lights, and warm faces.
The shelter is aglow in the radiance of this fuss.
For the night that I’m here, I’m home for Christmas.
Sleep now comes as it has in the past.
The sad fact about moments is they that never last.
The night begins to fade and so with it the memory.
As I return to the streets to be lost in the reverie.

TERRY

Let it Snow!
I stared at the snowman, tiny black dots for eyes, what looked like a carrot for a nose. A shabby hat on his head and old scarf around his neck. He was surrounded by a blanket of a snowy substance and he had tree branches for limbs.
With a quick wave of my hand it began to snow, a snow that was heavy at first, but slowly dissipated to nothing. Once more I waved my hand and the snow began again, only to dissipate slowly. A lovely site, simply lovely.
I quickly covered the globe in tissue, carefully making sure the glass ball was secure and protected, then lowered it into the box and wrapped it in Christmas paper.
On the card I wrote; from your secret Santa, let it snow.

GUY

There was a suspicious red stain on the snow. Santa was face down on the ground. �Who murdered Santa�? asked the voice of the grey man in the blue suit. The rain deer quickly hid his paws and tried to look sheepish. �I don’t know� he said. �Well, someone must have done it since this sort of things don’t happen by mistake. This universe is just too darn organized for this sort of shit to happen by mistake� said the greyhound. �Say what?� asked the rain deer, holding his paw to his ear. �Caught you red handed� said the constable.

YXES

He loved Christmas! Seeing her wrapped in that big red bow, he knew why he loved opening up presents. As he reached up to untie the bow, he heard her giggle, then he heard her sigh. His eyes got as big as saucers as he watched the bow slowly drop to the ground. Now she stood there with just her Santa hat, and a sprig of mistletoe. Smiling, he moved the mistletoe to rest on her belly, and bent down to give her the best “under the mistletoe kiss” she had ever had. Merry Christmas to all, and good night!

JD

The old man in the Santa costume sat at the end of the bar.
The slow gin was doing its work,
so that even now his memories were little more than a blur.
If he could drink enough he would not feel guilty
until tomorrow when he again became sober.
Out on the street an empty kettle swung from a tripod,
while the first flakes of new snow fell from a black sky.
This Christmas a small child went to sleep hungry and then awoke
to an empty stocking hung at the end of the bed.
Life is not fair.

CALEB

Self inflicted gunshot fatalities always peak around Christmas time. Some think it�s Seasonal Affective Disorder, some think that inability to live up to the idealized Madison avenue version of Christmas leads to terminal depression. But the real reason is that the elves have too much free time.
Their goal is to finish toy production by the end of November in case there are delays. When there are no delays they have most of December off. They grab Santa�s naughty list to find the ones who don�t believe and exact their yuletide vengeance. �Ho ho ho, mother fucker!�
Elves are assholes.

LAIEANNA

“This meeting is to discuss disbanding the Elf Exchange Program.
Injury and dismemberment rates have risen significantly in the human
world.”
“Your accusations are an insult! Where’s the proof?”
“Here’s documented cases of injury, including eyes lost, for improper
use of the bow and arrow.”
“Simpletons!”
“Girls have rashes from the nature jewelry.”
“Absurd!”
“They’re made of poison ivy! And a huge number of defective toys are
leaving this shop, damaged by troublesome fairies that accompany you
Wood Elves.”
“Your lies will bring upon a war of the Elves!”
“Try it, Windtree. We have the fat man on our side.”

TOM

In the 7th grade I became fascinated with photographer. I talked my mother into letting me setup a darkroom in the back bathroom. As Christmas approached I made a list of possible stuff that a 13 year old needed. On Christmas day to my horror I found under the tree 30 feet of pine 1x12s tied up with a bow. How was I going to explain this to my friends at church that morning? They gave their condolences. For 40 years those shelves were used for a 1000 different purposes. When my mom moved to Arizona she took the shelves with.

SANTA Z

The elves, man, it was the elves.
They were just too expensive.
So, I got rid of all of them and went with some outfit based in China.
Then I farmed out the communications and support work to a call center in India.
Delivery went to UPS. Fedex and Airborne just couldn’t compete.
I filed for an IPO, make billions on it.
Reindeer? Hell no. Lear jet.
Venison sausage, man. Good stuff.
Then that shit with the Chinese toys happened.
By then, I was long gone. I was on Aruba, living it up.
Natalee Holloway?
Never heard of her. Honest.

Weekly Challenge #87 – Time Travel

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Welcome to the eighty-seventh Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Tony Folino.
It’s Time Travel
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #87?
Hedgie
Steve
Phil Rossi of
Guy David of The Sixteenth
Tom from Footnote
Elisson of Blog d’Elisson
Tony
JD
Houston Keys from Tater Tots For The Masses
Laieanna from Hodge Podge Point
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


HEDGIE

I stepped into the machine simply labeled time travel and was carefully warned to stay hidden. I watched my child grow from a silly 5 year old to the astronaut he always dreamed he would be. I watched my Husband grow older and happier with time. I saw family members pass on as new ones came along. Family vacations, graduations and simple celebrations came and went. When my time in the machine was up I emerged with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. I was given a chance to see what I would never experience�my future.

STEVE

Finally! Me and Kathy in my back seat! She was a real bitch, but what a body! Then my condom broke as I put it on. Damn! Oh well, just this once. What are the odds? Suddenly, there was a bright flash outside. A man appeared and knocked on my window. He looked like me, only twenty years older.
“Thank God it worked!” he said. He handed me a condom. “Trust me,” he said. Then he vanished.
“C’mon, dammit!” Kathy whined. Bossy bitch. I threw the condom out the window and got busy. Just this once.
Who was that guy?

GUY DAVID

The kid was staring at me with wide open curious eyes. I was the stranger he had never met, but boy was I familiar in ways he couldn’t begin to understand, in ways he wouldn’t understand for many years. I just stood there and stared back, in lost for words, and what could I say? I’m all grown up now, made good of my life, and the child I once was is gone, but then, there he is, staring at me with the wonder of a three years old. I looked at my watch.
�My time is up. Bye kid.�

TOM

God thought
“I think I�ll go on vacation”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“What do you mean there�s no where to go?”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“Well then I�ll just have to create space.”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“Your telling me I need to create time too.
Damn the devil is in the details.”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“I know he doesn�t have anything to do with it.
It just a saying.
How about
I just do them that at the same time
I�ll call it time/space
sort of a grand unification things.”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“Where I am I going?
I going back to the future.”
Pssmispuushhehhiiee
“Oh, the food is much better there.”

ELISSON

Malachi Mavis climbed into his Time Machine and pressed the lever. After
what seemed like hours of loud vibration and a disconcerting nauseous
sensation, he arrived in Far Futurity. Success!
Exiting the machine, Mavis found himself in a beautiful glade, flanked
by shining glass structures. White-robed men and women strode by and
smiled at him.
A cherubic oldster explained that disease, hatred, and warfare had been
swept away millennia ago, after the Pod Wars.
�So, we won?� offered Mavis.
�Depends on what you mean by �we,� kemosabe,� said the oldster. �We�re
from Epsilon Eridani. You�re what we call �indigenous protein.��

TONY

I was struggling desperately to stay afloat. The boat had capsized suddenly in the stormy sea. One by one I watched as my fellow passengers took their last breathe and disappeared below the surface of the water. I realized my time was limited and pressed the green button on my watch. I was immediately transported back in time and I heard the woman on the other end of the phone say, “Sir, I’m confirming your cruise on…” I stop her and politely said, “On second thought let’s go with that safari trip instead.”

PHIL

�Keto-7,� Freddie said, �Say’s his name is Keto-7. I never seen no one so old in my life. He’s gotta be ninety-nine. Bonkers, too.�
Hank looked down the length of the bar and there sat Keto-7. He was dressed in head to toe tin-foil–a walking baked-potato. Gray eyes looked out from face that was impossibly wrinkled.
�What does he want?� Hank asked and lit a Pall Mall.
�Says he needs a buck forty-five so he can get back to the year 2085.�
Hank called down the bar: �Hey Keto-7–what’s in 2085?�
�My youth,� he answered, his voice flat.

JD

Hi Ho and all that rot…..just a little story on time travel
I stooped and picked up a broken bit of glass from the dust of the gravel road.
The glass is green and slightly curved.
The edges are sharp and, while I hold it
the thin sliver cut through the skin of my finger.
I focus on the pain as a line of blood emerged.
The memory of a time long past floated up to the center of my mind.
A golden haired young boy standing on a dirt road, a bit of broken green glass in his hand, a cut finger.
Strange that my time machine only works in reverse.

HOUSTON KEYS

This is Lieutenant Dan. Leave me a message.
Lieutenant Dan, this is Forrest, Forrest Gump. I have something to say
to you through the miracle of Cher.
If I could turn back time,
I’d get Lieutenant Dan his legs.
I’d shoot back at the Cong who hurt you,
And you’d stay.
If I could drive a car,
I’d drive over to see you.
And you’d love me, love me love me,
I’d give my legs to you�
I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is, I love you like a man
loves another man.
Platonically of course.

LAIEANNA

After I killed Scruffy, the only way my husband could cope was to get
another dog. I was reluctant, but watching Sally closely, I
determined she was normal. That was till the socks situation. At
first all my whimsical socks were disappearing from the drawer. Days
later new socks made of strange space age material were appearing.
While sifting through the pile of unusual foot warmers for the fifth
time one day, I glimpsed Sally walking by the doorframe in a pair of
black socks with rotating red suns. I’ve had it with dogs. Tomorrow
we get a guinea pig.

PLANET Z

Ned’s time machine was built out of a supercomputer and an old portable toilet.
Every time Ned tried to go back in time to visit some historical event, he’d hear a loud bang and some flashing lights, but he was still in the present.
After a week of testing and adjusting, Ned eventually gave up on the time machine and dismantled it.
Back in time, from the crucifixion of Jesus to the assassination of JFK, the torrent of random explosions of human excrement and chemicals suddenly stopped.
The fact that none of this made the history books, well, that’s life.

Weekly Challenge #86 – Snow

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Welcome to the eighty-sixth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Stuart Warf.
It’s Snow
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #86?
Tony Folino
Hedgie Till
Tom from Footnote
Anji Bee from Chillcast
Guy David from Guy David dot com
JD White
Houston Keys from Tater Tots For The Masses
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Yxes from Podmafia
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


TONY FOLINO

As the snow fell, the team lined up in formation. The football felt like a block of ice. He thought his fingertips were going to snap off. He lost all feeling in his hands an hour ago. The best he could do to catch and hold the ball was to use a combination of useless hands and numb arms to cradle the ball against his frigid body. An alarm sounded and he turned and walked out door, took off his gloves and motioned to the administrator. “That new simulator feels so real. Wanna get a beer?”

HEDGIE

Early one morning at a New Hampshire college, a wide eyed Bermuda born freshman stared in wonder at the gently falling snow. Winter was here! Giddy with excitement, she ran outside and leapt into a small drift. She made snow angels and had snowball fights with friends for hours. Her dream of a snowy winter had come true! A few weeks later, knee deep in drifts and her arms full of books, a group of seniors that had witnessed her first snow filled morning chuckled to themselves as they heard her muttering “fucking snow. I can’t wait to go home!”.

TOM

See Snow.
Fall snow Fall.
See Dad.
See big shovel.
Shovel dad Shovel.
The snow is white.
The dad is red.
Dad like the snow has fallen.
See Mom.
See Phone.
Call mom call
before Dad dies.
Down our street come the white van
With backward letters.
Hurray van Hurray.
See the tires spin
See the van spin.
Crash van Crash
into the ditch.
See Mom.
See Tears.
Fall tears Fall.
The air is very still.
The dad is very still
See Sky.
Gray sky Gray.
See Snow.
See Dad.
Fall snow Fall
cover-up the dad.

ANJI

i am a southern california gal through and through. you can hear it in my accent, that calls to mind slacking surfers; you can see it in my style — the penchant for year round bare feet; but most of all you can sense it in my attitude — that laid back, chilled out, keep it mellow vibe i maintain despite my workload or surroundings. but once upon a time, when i was still a teen, i moved to arizona with my mother for a year. now most people associate arizona with extreme dry heat, but in flagstaff, they get snow.

GUY

The snow has been falling, dripping on my heart for days, and it is now frozen. No sound is coming out, no internal clock ticking, clicking the days of my mortal prison away. Gone are the days, chased by time rushing by, washing me away in it’s tidy tide, forgotten in a prison of ice.
The rain will wash my pain away, leave me clean, cold and still. I’m forever blue, in a crystalized ice cage, here I stay, unmoving, uncaring, for all my cares are gone, forgotten, as I forever sleep, with a frozen heart, buried under deep snow.

JD

I cover my one sin with other sins
First I commented one sin in ignorance
Then I lied to keep hidden that sin, this time not in ignorance
After the first lie another lie is created and after that, another follows
Soon the lies are too many to count and my mind,
spinning out of control,
bends under the effort to maintain a reality that is not real
The mind bends but it does not break.
Is there a breaking point?
Snow covers the ground as far as my eyes can see
Would that pure snow could cover my sins.

HOUSTON

We open with young Karen crying over the puddle which used to be
Frosty the Snowman.
Karen, what’s wrong?
Santa, it’s Frosty, he’s melted.
Ho, Ho, Ho. Don’t you worry Karen; Frosty is made from “Christmas
Snow.” Once he gets a blast of�
But Santa!
What! I mean, yes Karen.
But Santa, Frosty was starting to melt. WAIT! DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!
But it was too late. The Christmas Wind brought Frosty back to life.
Happy birthday! What the [REDACTED]??? Yellow snow?
Now it is a little known fact that Frosty had the strongest pimp slap
of all the snowmen.

LAIEANNA

“Oh come on,” screamed the devil,
“This just isn’t right.
The people are happy.
They won’t even fight!”
His precious lake of fire
Where souls once burned in it’s flow
Was nothing more than slick and solid
And all the ground was covered in snow
In typical demon fashion, he had a blazing fit
Being sure he was heard as he’d stomp and yell
“You’re showing off up there,
Just to prove you can freeze hell.”
“You’re making a mockery of me.
You’re making me a fool.”
He turned towards his chambers, grumbling
“Just look at me; I’m turning blue.”

YXES

A fresh blanket of snow quietly covered the ground when he suddenly noticed a jacket on the path, then some pants, a hat, some shoes. “This was very odd,” he thought, as he continued picking up articles of clothing on his way to the doorway of a rugged cabin that was hidden behind the trees. He saw smoke curling out of the chimney, and candle light flickering in the windows. Then he saw her, standing in the doorway, naked, except for a red santa’s hat, and a bright red ribbon artfully wrapped around her body. She whispered, “Merry Christmas, lover.”

PLANET Z

I keep a snowball in my freezer.
I also keep a severed head in my freezer.
The severed head came off of a guy from the Census Bureau who came around the other day asking nosy questions:
�How old are you?�
�How many people live here?�
�Are you married?�
�Do you have any children?�
All these questions!
So I got angry and chopped off his head.
Looking back, I probably should have just hit the guy with the snowball.
I could really use the space in the freezer that the severed head takes up.
And the snowball, too, I guess.

Weekly Challenge #85 – Naked Twister

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Welcome to the eighty-fifth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Houston Keys.
It’s Naked Twister
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

What were the best stories of Weekly Challenge #85?
Coal Cracker
Tom from Footnote
Guy David from The Sixteenth
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Yxes from Podmafia
Planet Z
  
pollcode.com free polls

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


COAL CRACKER

The mail arrived on a chilly winter morning. It arrived just in time. It was just what was needed to cure the winter doldrums. The envelope was addressed to my wife and me. Inside was an invitation. The cover of the invitation contain four equal-sized circles. One green. One yellow. One blue. And one red. The green circle displayed the address of the party. The yellow circle contained the date. The blue circle showed the time. Inside the red circle was a smiley face. The inside of the invitation contained just two words: Please come.

TOM

Emily loped across the barnyard towards Henry. He held the steel plate to the cellar. The wind whipped Kansas dust into his eyes as Emily cried for Dorothy Gale. He could see the cyclone cutting directly across the cornfield. Henry lowered the door just as his niece�s bike turned down the lane. She froze as the twister spun inches from her feet. In a last frantic cartoon pirouette Taz appeared. Dorothy smiled and said “Aaaboola baga laha rooAh” The Tasmanian Devil dropped both his hands to his groin. He blushed with the sudden realization he was indeed a naked twister.

GUY

Jeramy was embarrassed. He was sure everyone could see his huge erection. The nude assemblage of people trying to touch appropriate color circles was getting to him. The smell was intoxicating. It took all his will power to stop himself from trying to penetrate the closest body. The fact it belonged to a beautiful blond didn’t help much.
Suddenly, a blurry orange puffball ran out of the crowd and between the players. It managed to rub against all the naked bodies while avoiding them as they toppled over each other. �Nardo, you stupid cat�, came a voice from the crowd.

CALEB

It moved like a plague through the Forest Glen Assisted Living Community. Mrs. Johnson never recovered from her sprained vertebrae and died in surgery. Mr. Yakwezel broke his ulna and went into a coma. And Mr. Schwartz�s priapism was fatal. What was their secret? What brought these ancient baby boomers down in a way that Vietnam, Brown Acid, Disco, Reaganomics, TAB, and AIDS never could? I hid in a broom closet till after dark and heard the geriatric laughter turn to cries of agony! I threw open the door To Mrs. Fonzarelli�s Room and nearly vomited. It was� Naked Twister.

YXES

Red hand, blue foot, yellow elbow, purple butt? What does all this have to do with listening to old songs while doing a very unique form of exercising? A few more moves and match-ups like that, and I’ll be all tied up like a neat little pretzel, just waiting to be warmed up and eaten with gourmet mustard or cheese.
Oh, wonderful! Now the instructor is sharing with us HIS way of doing these routines with much greater ease and versatility. He assures us there is only one way to do this routine properly, and it’s called “Naked Twister”.

Z

She and I were always going to the movies.
I say going because we weren’t going to see them.
Why we bought popcorn and drinks, I’m not sure. They always ended up getting knocked over.
One time, we had the theater all to ourselves. Twister was the movie, I think.
She was just supposed to go down on me, but we ended up going at it on the stadium seats.
Hey, you can fold the arms up.
Our clothes got sticky from being on the floor.
We tried going back the next night to see the movie.
Two thumbs up.

Weekly Challenge #84 – Marriage

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Welcome to the eighty-fourth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Guy David.
It’s Marriage
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which stories were the best from Weekly Challenge #84?
John S from One Screen Stories
Yxes from Podmafia
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast
Guy David from Guy David dot com
Tom from Footnote
Stuart from Podmafia
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


JOHN S

All day, Bob�’s only day off work this week, as he tried to read a new book or watch an afternoon movie or talk with his brother on the telephone, his upstairs neighbors argued. This was their usual argument–Why were you talking to that woman? Hey, you were talking to that man, so I can talk to that woman–the same weary characters and tired marriage plot played out a dozen times before on a dozen other days off gone wrong.
That night, as Bob tried to sleep, like a dozen times before, all he could hear was their bedsprings squeaking.

YXES

Marriage?? You want me to marry you?? Have you told me you loved me? Oh, you did. Well, did you tell me I was the one for you? Ahhh, I do remember that vaguely, yes. Ok! Have you even considered if I loved you enough to marry you? Well, I have told you every day! You do realize this marriage thing is not something I could take lightly. It’s a huge commitment, and there are so many things I have to consider. My home, my critters, my tupperware! Shut up, & kiss you, and say yes???? Well alright! Yes! dear!

CALEB BULLEN

The Dish ran away with The Spoon but after that it all went downhill.
Their Vegas wedding was cutlery rate then they blew their savings
betting on a bowl game. She went to work and nearly cracked under the
pressure. He fell in with a bad crowd and became a greasy spoon. The
Dish started seeing a rough customer till she was just his little
chippy. Now Spoon he’s in his cups every day stirring up trouble. And
everyone thought they were made for each other. Looking back on it, The
Dish probably should have married a nice stable placemat.

GUY DAVID

The bride wore red. The priest was a coconut tree, or at least, some alien something like a coconut tree. The bride was pretty. I was happy being. Seeing red again. My head was throbbing “Hit them, punch them, Moris”. My fists where clenched, blood oozing from my open wounds. I put salt on it.
The little elf like creatures sang to us, alien voices joined in prayer, then the roof was raised. See the stars. I was proudest. Marriage. Who would have thought.
“I do” I said.
“I do” she said”.
“You may eat your bride” said the tree.

TOM

Frankie and Johnny were lovers kids from the stockyards down south. He worked in the loop and she for the Trib. Weekends you’d find them at the Museum. They’d laugh in the coal mine sung in the U505. Frankie did a fair pantomime of a caryatid on the lawn. Johnny would mess with Foucault’s pendulum, turn the handles on gears, held Frankie tight in the giant heart. In the Whispering Galley in a voice soft and low Johnny proposed marriage to Frankie. They were wed on the cobblestones of Yesterday’s Main Street with a honey moon on the Pioneer Zephyr.

STUART

Marriage never really interested me much. All that awful “you promise to be with her for ever until you die”, I might as well go jump.
So imagine my surprise when I woke up one morning with a wedding ring on my finger in a desert.
Not wanting to be like Britney Spears, I decided to do what any man would do…
Shot the broad in the back of the head
Dug a trench
Dumped the bitch
Filled with Cement
Smoked a Cigar
The judge said I’ve been watching too much Goodfellas
Now I am stuck in this damn cell.

PLANET Z

You’ve heard it all before. The magic is gone from the marriage, right?
Instead of hiring a marriage counselor, why not hire a magician?
It’s magic, right?
I mean, it’s not like you’re going to talk out your problems when things have gotten so bad. And if a divorce is in the cards, well, the magician can easily make that card change into the one you’re thinking of.
Whatever the lawyers cut in half, the magician can make whole again! (Minus the attorney’s fees, mind you.)
And if all else fails, he can always turn your spouse into a frog.

Weekly Challenge #83 – Mexican Food

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Welcome to the eighty-third Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Justin.
It’s Mexican Food
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #83?
Guy David of Guy David
JD White
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Tom from Footnote
Houston Keys from Tater Tots For The Masses
Daphne of Going Broke
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Chris from Chris Carlisle.net
Yxes from Podmafia
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


GUY DAVID

It was our first date. I was just a stray cat she collected out of the street and took home to feed, and boy was I hungry. Pretty soon, the sound of something rousting on a frying pan came out of the kitchen, coupled with some delicious smells. Expectation was building up. Soon, she came back, bearing the gift of food. It had some rousted tomatoes, sausages and some other things I couldn’t immediately recognize. “What is it?” I asked. “Oh, it just some Mexican food” she answered. I ended up marrying her. I was always a sucker for innovation.

JD WHITE

What can be said for those folks south of the border.
They are just not civilized.
Not even close to being “like us”.
We always are kind to strangers and we always dress in appropriate ways.
Our homes are immaculate inside and out.
We keep our city streets clean.
We never dump trash on the roadside.
Our form of government is far superior to theirs.
With far less corruption in our public officials.
The one good thing I have found is that when traveling from Ottawa to see my Doctor in Michigan.
They have the best Mexican Food in Detroit.

ELISSON

Salvador Dali, the renowned surrealist painter, is thought by most
people to have been Catalonian.
Not true. He was born in Taxco de Alarcón, Guerrero state, Mexico, in
May of 1904. Mexican to the core. It’s a well-kept secret.
The inspiration for many of his surrealistic works was the local
cuisine. His most famous painting, The Persistence of Memory,
was inspired by a meal, the digestion of which caused hallucinations
that lasted three days. Freud and Einstein had nothing to do with it.
Most people look at that painting and see melted watches. But Dali
always saw tortillas. No: Distortillas.

TOM

Rice cakes Rice cakes No beef today. I’m on this 1000 caloric demonic diet. I dream of dancing slabs of cow I dream of singing wells of grave. But in the day it’s mostly greens to dine and if by chance a stray morsel I might indulge and its taste might ever be so good my mantra is spit it out. Its day 49 and I can take it no more. It midnight outside El CharO’s Original All You Can Eat. I got a brick and the glass its gone. Its Mexican Food Tonight. Double Fried Burrito here I come

HOUSTON KEYS

“Hello welcome to Tacorama! Would you like to try our double quesadilla?”
It’s pronounced quesadilla!
Whatever! Would you like one?
What do you mean whatever? You should have some pride in your job!
What kind of slacker wants to work in a culturally specific restaurant
and refuses to immerse themselves in the culture? How can you expect
discerning palettes to partake with a greeting like that?
Look Buddy. I make six bucks an hour, what do you expect.
Fine, If you are that insensitive I shall take my culinary business to
another establishment.
Knock yourself out Bro.

DAPHNE

It’s that time of year when families gather for meals and to give
thanks for their blessings over the past year. This year my family
will be no different. We will gather around the table and each take
turns giving our thanks. Some thank for their health, some thank that
we are all there, some thank for getting a bike for their birthday.
Ok that’s just my nephew, but he’s thankful at least. Me, I will be
thankful for the meal. You see I get to cook dinner this year and
they let me do whatever was easiest for me. So I called my favorite
restaurant and got take out. I’m thankful for Mexican Food Take Out.

CALEB

Pastor Al’s tacos al pastor were all the rage in Tenochticlan in the days before she became Mexico City. People would come from miles around drawn by the aroma of the cooking meat and fresh tortillas. Spaniards, Mestizos, even the occasional missionary came. The only problem was beloved as his tacos were, his Presbyterian rhetoric was not. Eventually Don Fernando a local Catholic cook snuck into the pastor’s adobe hacienda and when he found the secret recipe, he killed the heretic and began preparing the meat. Al pastor tacos made by Pastor Al were delicious; made with Pastor Al, Heavenly.

CHRIS

Let me tell you about a woman I know,
She ain’t no model or runway queen,
You won’t find her on Cosmo or Glamour,
Or in the pages of Vogue magazine
She wears a hairnet and plastic gloves,
She scoops the beans and rice all day,
She makes minimum wage (under the table)
Workin’ for the Chipotle
She can’t speak a word of English
She calls the beans frijoles,
But you know what? That’s just fine by me,
I still love her anyways.
She’s my Burrito Lady
And she’s driving me crazy
Burrito Lady,
Make my burrito for me yeah.

YXES

She was smiling as she got ready to go out for a Mexican food dinner with her sweetheart. She was remembering their first date, and how he had wanted to show her something she had never seen before. He ordered her a taco, and said, “Go ahead, eat it.” She picked it up, holding it like a sandwich. Immediately, the whole taco fell right into her lap! She was speechless, and a mess, all covered in “taco stuff”! His kind look of suppressed laughter is what made her fall in love with him, and with tacos! Hot sauce and all!!

Z

We used to go to this Mexican place next to a veterinarian, and we called it The Cat And Dog Hospital.
The Mexican place, not the vet’s office.
We’d go there every day, and you could hear the barking through the wall of the dining room.
Strange thing was, as the week went on, the barking got less and less, until there was one or two dogs left on Friday.
Then, you’d place your order, and…
It got quiet all of the sudden.
I started ordering salads there, but I noticed something really strange about the plants in the landscaping…

Weekly Challenge #82 – Fear Of Flying

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Welcome to the eighty-second Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Michael.
It’s Fear Of Flying
Whew.
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
VOTING

Which were the best stories in Weekly Challenge #82?
Paul
Linda
Tom from Footnote
Laieanna from Hodgepodge Point
Guy David from Guy David dot com
Daphne of Going Broke
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


PAUL

Hello, my name’s Bob and I have a problem
[Hi Bob!]
I have this fear of flying.
[What the heck? What did he say? What’s the deal? ]
Which! … Which is why I drink.
[Oh! Okay! He’s one of us, after all. Okay Bob!]
I’m a Consultant. I live on the west coast and work on the East! I have to fly!
But I can’t fly without drinking! One after the other! Calling the attendant for more and more!
[Yep! Been there! Don’t have to fear flying for that! Hard to walk to baggage!]
Then I can’t sleep after drinking all that coke!
[Coke! He’s no Alcoholic! Throw out the Bum!]

LINDA

Frank was stuffed into the Toyota. At Seventy-five MPH it sound- ed
like a beehive. The toll traffic was unbearable. Work sucked.
Suddenly a seagull swooped down in front of his windshield.
Man, he was staying ahead of the car! The bird’s feet were just
touching the windshield!
Frank pulled himself up rooting! This was Frank’s whole problem! A
fear of flying, of braking away and striking out. He could do it!
Screw this commute, this job! You Go Bird!!
Boom! An explosion of feathers. Two stuck to Frank’s windshield. The
bird veered into a truck. 7:59. Late. Work sucked

TOM

He was shaking like a leaf. The stewardess noted the white knuckler in C35 motioned to the head fight attendant. Tom’s new job had him flying regulars to LA for 30 and 60 second spots. It wouldn’t have matter if he taken a train car or rickshaw the devastating motion sickness would have gotten him. It was the curse of his Kingdom and that first ancestor Herb. “Why had that fraking Gnome got himself fired?” he thought. Tom Tomato Plant lost it when the head steward offered him a Snap Toms. Lucky the stewardess had a vegetable barf bag ready.

LAIEANNA

Jimmy purchased a parachute and modified it with a smaller harness
attached to the front for his daughter. He then spent hours
practicing the whole scenario of picking her up, strapping her in,
jumping free of danger and debris, and pulling the cord.
On the big day, Jimmy strapped a helmet on both their heads and held
his daughter’s hand while waiting in line. He was terrified; she was
excited. When their turn came up to board, he made the sign of the
cross and hoisted his daughter into the Carnival’s Miniature airplane
kiddy ride and climbed in behind her.

GUY

The world of open source change is coming
Have no fear of flying
Fragments of human imagination
Caught in a twilight zone of virtual innovation
It’s the golden age of creation
Sweeping through the Second Life nation
Shaking furiously with anticipation
As I crush out of this world of expectation
There’s no denying there is some sort of a revolution here
But the wheels of steel are moving to slow for the kill
The age of open code and sharing is coming
There is no denying that
In a whirlpool of sweet creative melody
Comes the age of enhanced communication

DAPHNE

Standing at the edge of the nest, Stanley looked back at his mother.
She nudged him gently toward the sky. He opened his wings, felt the
wind rush past them, he looked to the horizon, he envisioned himself
soaring with the other eaglets, but he couldn’t move. He was an
eaglet with a fear of flying. He knew he had to conquer this fear or
become food for the beasts that dwell on the ground. So he unhooked
his talons and jumped from the nest…and then… nothing… Stanley woke up
and realized You can’t soar with the Eagles when you are a Turkey.

CALEB

when they came together, zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear
blew off in one sweet breath like dandelion fluff. Her mind was a whirl,
was this the mythical a plus zipless f**k or was it just the Maui Wowee
this guy had brought with him on the Braniff flight from Amsterdam.
Either way, her mother always told her to ‘eschew the ordinary’ and this
Randolph Mantooth look alike was anything but ordinary. She eschewed him
out the door before her husband got home, then Erica Jong fired up her
fancy new bong and began writing the fear of flying.

Z

Sometimes, you’re such a fuckup, you need divine intervention to keep you from being too much of a problem to others.
So many people out there in the world, stands to reason there’s a backlog of cases.
Standards for guardian angels have dropped significantly since Biblical times.
For instance, my guardian angel is afraid of flying.
“How can you be afraid of flying?” I ask her. “Don’t you have wings?”
“I don’t you sticking your tongue in light sockets,” she said. “You have a tongue, right?”
Okay, so maybe she said something other than “tongue” but you get the point.