Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“LAND HO!” shouted George.
“That’s just dirt on the telescope’s lens,” grumbled the captain. He took George’s telescope, wiped the lens, and handed it back.
“Thank you,” said George, and he looked through it again.
“THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!” he shouted. “ALL HANDS AT BATTLE STA-”
“Gimme that!” said the captain, and he took the telescope away.
He looked at the lens.
“It’s a smudge I left when I wiped the lens the first time.”
That’s when the ship hit the rocks.
“I told you there was land,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He preferred to spend his day laying on a towel at the beach instead of looting and treasurehunting.
The captain was quite clear with George that beach days were rewards for successful raids, not just something to do on a whim.
Deliberately running the ship aground on a nice sandy beach was a no-no.
And falling overboard to wash ashore on one was certainly out of the question.
George watched the calendar, waiting for that special day…
“Beach Day!” he shouted, leaping overboard.
And landing headfirst on the dock.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When they say that Helen of Troy’s was so beautiful that her face could launch a thousand ships, George was responsible for at least half of them sinking.
“You’re going to be more careful this time, right?” said Helen, handing over the keys.
“Yes, ma’am,” said George. “I promise!” said George.
George barely made it out of the harbor before he sideswiped one ship and ramming another, sinking them both.
And, of course, his own ship.
As George swam back ashore, Helen of Troy’s expression was anything but beautiful.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was the pirate equivalent of that electric football game where you arrange plastic figures on a game board that rattles, which moves the figures around.
It’s hilariously fun to watch the first time, maybe the second time.
Unless you take the game seriously. Then, it’s frustrating and stupid.
Eventually, it ends up gathering dust on the shelf, until it’s picked over at a garage sale with a dollar price tag.
George woke up, shook off the dust, and wondered why there was a price tag on his toe.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You’d think that the captain and the crew would have gotten rid of him by now, but George found ways of being useful.
He ran the fantasy football, baseball, and basketball leagues, and he was the one who organized the March Madness brackets.
He also handled the point squares for Super Bowl, World Series, and other major events.
The crew had a lot of fun with all of this.
George kept five percent of each pool, saving up for the day he could get his own ship and crew.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
As a result of his clumsiness, he suffered a lot of concussions.
Every now and then, he’d stop and stare at the sky.
“Angelllllllssss..” he sighs, smiling.
He waves his arms slowly, as if he were gliding through the air, like an angel.
“He’s not right in the head,” says the captain to the other ship’s captain, and they resume their battle.
Because George complained to the Department of Labor, all pirates must now wear protective headgear and use padded swords.
And insurance premiums have tripled.
Gee, thanks, George!

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Good pirate, wasn’t George.
Pirate. Pirate.
George was a pirate. George wasn’t a pirate.
Good was George, George.
Very good, very George, very pirate.
But but but. But!
George. George was a pirate. George was.
George was. George wasn’t.
A pirate. Pirate was George, pirate, he was George.
A George. A good George. A very good George.
George was. George was a. George was a pirate.
George. George!
Wasn’t George a pirate? Wasn’t George a very good pirate?
George wasn’t.
George wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t good.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, he just snapped.
He climbed up to the crow’s nest and started shooting at people.
Sure, he missed them all, but he broke a lamp and knocked a handle off of the ship’s wheel.
“You stupid ass!” yelled the captain. “My mother gave me that lamp.”
George eventually ran out of ammo, and he threatened to stab anyone who came up after him.
Knowing George’s skill with a knife, they came up anyway, subdued him, and tied him to the mast until he said he was sorry.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d raid container ships, but going from America to China, not China to America.
China sent all the valuable things Eastward, like televisions and computers and microchips.
America, on the other hand, sent recyclable garbage and raw materials Westward.
So, George ended up with a lot of garbage and raw materials.
If it were Gold or Silver, yeah, that would work out nicely.
But 100 metric tons of recovered tires or obsolete computer motherboards with trace amounts of rare earth materials, no.
At least the crews could be ransomed.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the community theater held tryouts for The Pirates of Penzance, George gave it a shot.
He got a callback.
But he had issues with the production.
“Pirates really aren’t gentlemanly,” said George. “And they don’t dance all that much.”
George spent ten minutes pointing out problems in Gilbert and Sullivan’s writing.
The director thanked George for his thoughts, and shouted “NEXT!”
George told his crewmates, and they raided the theater.
The director demanded that the pirates yield in Queen Victoria’s name.
They strung him up from the rafters.