George and the Sixteenth Man

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When there were sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, George would join in and throw off the count.
Or, if he were a part of that sixteen, he’d realize he was late for something or another, and leave his fellow pirates one man short.
Then they’d have to recount, which wasn’t always easy, pirates being notoriously bad at math counting on their fingers.
Well, the guys with all their fingers. Some had hooks for hands.
This led to a few scuffles, and in the end, nobody really wins.

George the Management Consultant

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he sought the assistance of a management consultant.
The consultant determined that George’s problems were the result of workplace design flaws and poor ergonomics.
After several months in overhaul, the ship was ready to sail.
The decks were easier to swab, the cannons were easier to load, and the keel was easier to haul.
Even the Jolly Roger was at optimum jolliness.
“RAISE ANCHOR!” shouted the captain.
And George promptly fell overboard.
“Just leave him there,” said the captain.
George watched the ship sail away.
“Magnificent,” said George.

George and the Perils of Finance

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he would buy things from merchants and then put them on an expense report.
“You’re not doing it right,” said the captain. “You take things and don’t pay for them.”
“Oh,” said George. “Sorry about that. I had student discounts and coupons. And my credit card miles, too.”
The next raid, George came back stark naked.
“They took everything,” he said.
The captain sighed and put George back to work in the galley.
“So when do I get my expense report reimbursed?” asked George.

George and the Project Management Triangle

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His planning and execution weren’t quite up to pirate standards. The Project Management Triangle eluded him.
Where others know to respond to unreasonable demands with “You want fast, cheap, and good? Pick two of those.” George would respond “Okey dokey. I’ll get right on it.”
Three weeks late, George would come in way over budget with something utterly inadequate.
“I asked for a salad,” said the captain. “This is a burlap sack full of rocks.”
George would smile, say “Aw shucks!” and go back to screwing something else up.

George the Capitalist

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates exchange their loot for gold, and they make jewelry out of it.
That way, they can carry their wealth with them everywhere.
George put his money in the bank and investments.
Pretty soon, he got into real estate and shipping. And helped his crewmates invest wisely, too.
“Avast, me hearties!” shouted the captain at a passing merchant vessel. “Stand aside and prepare to be boarded!”
George tapped the captain on the shoulder. “We have stock in that company.”
“Never mind,” shouted the captain. “Have a nice day.”

George the Birdwatcher

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to borrow the captain’s telescope and go birdwatching.
Which was a bit unnerving, because when George went to watch the birds, he imagined that the birds were watching him.
“Let’s go piratewatching!” said a bird to the rest of the flock.
“That sounds like a great idea!” said the flock, and they all flew to the docks and watched the pirates.
George looked at the birds sitting on the dock and felt nervous.
“That’s… just… creepy,” said George.
“Can I have my telescope back?” said the captain.

George the Barkeep

George wasn’t a pirate.
He was a barkeep.
He bought this bar and named it George the Pirate.
And pirates from all around would come here to drink.
Sometimes, they’d pay with a ship’s wheel, or a figurehead, or an anchor.
All the junk you see hanging on the walls.
They’d tell stories, but it was tradition to tell them as if they were about George.
And George would laugh and serve another round.
He had no children to leave the bar to, but he lives on through his stories.
And we tell them, and raise our tankards to George.

George the Chili Cookoff

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he did his best to find ways of being useful.
Every year, he ran The Great Pirate Chili Cookoff.
Pirates from all around the world sailed in to challenge each other’s cooking prowess.
Sometimes, all-out wars would break out, especially between factions of pirates who thought that chili should include beans and those who thought beans don’t belong in chili.
After the smoke cleared, George and his shipmates would loot the bodies and abandoned ships.
“Very clever,” said George’s captain. “Just sleep downwind from everybody else tonight, okay?”

George the Pirate’s Phone

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate,
Plus, he always had an annoying ringtone on his phone.
It was pretty bad when the phone would go off while a raiding party was sneaking up on a town.
“Can you at least put that phone on vibrate?” hissed the captain.
“Sorry,” said George, and he pressed a button on the side of the phone.
Then, George would forget to set the ringer back on, and he’d miss important calls.
Eventually, everyone learned to just text George.
He’d respond with annoyingly cute animated stickers that nobody could understand.

George the Paperpusher

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, as other pirates groused over daily status meetings, George saw them as a welcome respite from the routine and drudgery of piracy.
Instead of keeling and kauling, he could delight in endless Power Point presentations and mission statements.
“Enough with the meetings,” growled the crew. “Can’t we just sail the high seas and loot and plunder?”
“Certainly,” said George. “But recent metrics clearly show great improvements in efficiency, performance, and safety.”
The crew lifted George with their legs, not their backs, as they strung him from the yardarm.