George the Pirate Doesn’t Quit His Day Job

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was popular as a performer at children’s’ birthday parties.
He had a ventriloquist act with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder.
George would say something, and then the parrot would make a joke.
George also had a talking treasure chest. The lid would open and close like a mouth.
Sure, the kids could see his lips move, but they still loved the act.
“It’s nice act,” George remembered his father saying. “But don’t quit your day job.”
So, after the gig, George would return to the ship.

George the Pirate Helps

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“George,” the other pirates would say. “Help us test the plank.”
George walked along the plank and fell into the water.
The other pirates laughed.
“George,” the other pirates would say. “Help us test the keel haul rope.”
George held the rope as the other pirates tied him up and ran him along the keel.
The other pirates laughed.
“George,” the other pirates would say. “Help us test this hangman’s noose.”
George stabbed the other pirates as they slept in their bunks.
He could only take so much shit.

George the Pirate’s Family History

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He came from a long line of not very good pirates.
Neckbeard was a notorious rogue, notorious for his inability to fit into his breeches.
Calico Fred had a hard time distinguishing port from starboard and bow from stern.
The Barbarossa Sisters used to take each other’s crews prisoner.
And Sir Francis Gander retired with two peg legs, two hook hands, two eyepatches, and a lot of medical bills.
George didn’t go to many family reunions.
Not that he didn’t try. He wasn’t very good at reading the map.

George the Pirate’s Bath Night

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He learned early on that he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Bath Night was every Sunday, he’d take all his bath toys into the bath with him.
Every Sunday, his pirate ship had adventures on the high seas in his tub.
He’d slosh the water into tidal waves, and ship and men sank to the bottom, eaten by his toy sharks.
The water would splash everywhere, causing mold and rot.
“Look what you’ve done,” shouted George’s parents.
Eventually, George was forced to hose himself off in the back yard.

George the Pirate On The Second Squad

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The Captain considered George to be “Second Squad.”
It consisted of George, the cabin boy, Blind Joe, and Cook, who only spoke bits of Dutch.
Nobody else on the boat spoke Dutch, so that didn’t matter much, really.
In battle, sometimes, The Captain would call for the cabin boy to lend a hand.
“What about me?” said George. “I bought a new sword, and I’d hate for it to go to waste.”
The Captain thought this over.
“You’re right, George,” he said. “Lend your sword to the cabin boy.”

George the Pirate Washed Overboard

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He fell overboard a lot. So often, George’s shipmates insisted that he always wear a life jacket, safety rope, and an emergency beacon.
It made hauling George back into the boat a lot easier.
Even when George was on dry land, his shipmates insisted that he wear all of the safety equipment.
“Just in case,” they said.
One night, while George was sleeping at an inn, a huge tidal wave washed George out of his bed and out to sea.
George gave the inn a negative review on Yelp.

George the Pirate Accidents

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always causing accidents or getting injured.
He filed a lot of Workman’s Compensation claims.
And he raised everybody’s insurance premiums on the ship’s group plan.
He wasn’t allowed anywhere near the wheel. Or the tiller.
God help everyone if he was allowed near the Powder Room again.
Eventually, The Captain took away all of George’s duties except for the “This Ship Has Been Injury Free” sign that counted days since the last reported injury.
The sign fell on George, and he had to be taken to sickbay.

George the Helper

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While waiting for his ship to be repaired, he took a temp job at the mall as Santa’s helper.
He’d guide the children to Santa’s throne, help them up to Santa’s lap, and get their mother or father to pay for the photos.
Credit cards, preferred.
Then he’d send the credit card information to friends in Russia, who gave George a cut of the action.
George easily paid for his ship’s repairs, and he got the hell out of town.
He never did send out any of the photos.

George the Talent Scout

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He could spot good talent, though.
Several of the cabin boys he’d found at local schools had grown up to become great pirates.
George was proud of them, even though they weren’t exactly proud of owing their careers to George.
George would send them birthday and Christmas cards, out of genuine fondness, not out of some selfish attempt to network.
And those pirates would open the envelope, read the card, and know that someone cared and remembered them.
Even if that someone was an incompetent, bumbling screw-up like George.

And dead men tell no tales

Dead men tell no tales! warns the pirate’s skull as our boat tips down the slide and we float past scene after scene of skeletons, treasure, and wreckage.
Not if you depose them first, I mumble.
The trial is four days away. To get my mind off of this, I went down to Disneyland, like I always do.
New name. New face. New credit cards.
What do I have to worry about?
As I key in my access code to Club 33, a fat man in tourist clothes puts a knife in my back.
My E Ticket just got punched.