George the Pirate On The Second Squad

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The Captain considered George to be “Second Squad.”
It consisted of George, the cabin boy, Blind Joe, and Cook, who only spoke bits of Dutch.
Nobody else on the boat spoke Dutch, so that didn’t matter much, really.
In battle, sometimes, The Captain would call for the cabin boy to lend a hand.
“What about me?” said George. “I bought a new sword, and I’d hate for it to go to waste.”
The Captain thought this over.
“You’re right, George,” he said. “Lend your sword to the cabin boy.”

George the Pirate Washed Overboard

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He fell overboard a lot. So often, George’s shipmates insisted that he always wear a life jacket, safety rope, and an emergency beacon.
It made hauling George back into the boat a lot easier.
Even when George was on dry land, his shipmates insisted that he wear all of the safety equipment.
“Just in case,” they said.
One night, while George was sleeping at an inn, a huge tidal wave washed George out of his bed and out to sea.
George gave the inn a negative review on Yelp.

George the Pirate Accidents

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always causing accidents or getting injured.
He filed a lot of Workman’s Compensation claims.
And he raised everybody’s insurance premiums on the ship’s group plan.
He wasn’t allowed anywhere near the wheel. Or the tiller.
God help everyone if he was allowed near the Powder Room again.
Eventually, The Captain took away all of George’s duties except for the “This Ship Has Been Injury Free” sign that counted days since the last reported injury.
The sign fell on George, and he had to be taken to sickbay.

George the Helper

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While waiting for his ship to be repaired, he took a temp job at the mall as Santa’s helper.
He’d guide the children to Santa’s throne, help them up to Santa’s lap, and get their mother or father to pay for the photos.
Credit cards, preferred.
Then he’d send the credit card information to friends in Russia, who gave George a cut of the action.
George easily paid for his ship’s repairs, and he got the hell out of town.
He never did send out any of the photos.

George the Talent Scout

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He could spot good talent, though.
Several of the cabin boys he’d found at local schools had grown up to become great pirates.
George was proud of them, even though they weren’t exactly proud of owing their careers to George.
George would send them birthday and Christmas cards, out of genuine fondness, not out of some selfish attempt to network.
And those pirates would open the envelope, read the card, and know that someone cared and remembered them.
Even if that someone was an incompetent, bumbling screw-up like George.

And dead men tell no tales

Dead men tell no tales! warns the pirate’s skull as our boat tips down the slide and we float past scene after scene of skeletons, treasure, and wreckage.
Not if you depose them first, I mumble.
The trial is four days away. To get my mind off of this, I went down to Disneyland, like I always do.
New name. New face. New credit cards.
What do I have to worry about?
As I key in my access code to Club 33, a fat man in tourist clothes puts a knife in my back.
My E Ticket just got punched.

George the Camper

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
On paper, he was really good.
His certificate from Pirate Summer Camp.
A sash full of Pirate Scout Merit Badges.
Several bronze medals from the Pirate Olympics.
And a degree in piracy from a well-respected correspondence college.
But on the ship, he was a complete disaster.
He wet the bunk, he broke his cutlass, and his bandanna kept coming loose at the worst times.
“Tie it in the back, you idiot,” said the captain.
Despite repeated attempts to sneak him with hostages, the British Navy kept sending him back.

George the Receipt Guy

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever he pillaged, he gave out receipts so the homeowner could claim the loss on their insurance.
And he was too much of a gentleman to do the whole raping thing.
As for plundering, well, isn’t that just another word for pillaging?
“There’s a difference,” said the captain, pulling out a pair of dictionaries. “One of these, I pillaged. The other, I plundered.”
George pulled out a thesaurus. “Pillage. Plunder, Ransack. Loot.” He snapped the book shut. “They’re all the same thing.”
The captain growled, and threw George overboard.

George the Extortionist

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
At the local school’s Career Day, George stood alongside a fireman, policeman, a doctor, and a lawyer.
George would try to recruit new cabin boys, but he also sold kidnapping insurance.
“You know, in case pirates take your children hostage,” he said.
He was arrested by the policeman and charged with extortion.
But when George came to trial, the judge dismissed the case.
“Can I have my children back now?” asked the judge.
George shrugged. “I didn’t take them,” he said.
The lawyer grinned. “Oh, that was my idea.”

George the Highwayman

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time cleaning the mile of freeway that his crew had sponsored as part of the Adopt A Highway Program.
And he was pretty good at keeping it clean.
He posted pictures of the highway on Instagram and Snapchat, gathering lots of followers and fans.
People drove from miles away to litter on that stretch of freeway, only to have it cleaned up by the time they circled back.
Never mind that George was just sweeping everything to the other side of the mile marker.