George and the Sixteenth Man

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When there were sixteen men on a dead man’s chest, George would join in and throw off the count.
Or, if he were a part of that sixteen, he’d realize he was late for something or another, and leave his fellow pirates one man short.
Then they’d have to recount, which wasn’t always easy, pirates being notoriously bad at math counting on their fingers.
Well, the guys with all their fingers. Some had hooks for hands.
This led to a few scuffles, and in the end, nobody really wins.

George the Management Consultant

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he sought the assistance of a management consultant.
The consultant determined that George’s problems were the result of workplace design flaws and poor ergonomics.
After several months in overhaul, the ship was ready to sail.
The decks were easier to swab, the cannons were easier to load, and the keel was easier to haul.
Even the Jolly Roger was at optimum jolliness.
“RAISE ANCHOR!” shouted the captain.
And George promptly fell overboard.
“Just leave him there,” said the captain.
George watched the ship sail away.
“Magnificent,” said George.

George and the Perils of Finance

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he would buy things from merchants and then put them on an expense report.
“You’re not doing it right,” said the captain. “You take things and don’t pay for them.”
“Oh,” said George. “Sorry about that. I had student discounts and coupons. And my credit card miles, too.”
The next raid, George came back stark naked.
“They took everything,” he said.
The captain sighed and put George back to work in the galley.
“So when do I get my expense report reimbursed?” asked George.

George and the Project Management Triangle

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His planning and execution weren’t quite up to pirate standards. The Project Management Triangle eluded him.
Where others know to respond to unreasonable demands with “You want fast, cheap, and good? Pick two of those.” George would respond “Okey dokey. I’ll get right on it.”
Three weeks late, George would come in way over budget with something utterly inadequate.
“I asked for a salad,” said the captain. “This is a burlap sack full of rocks.”
George would smile, say “Aw shucks!” and go back to screwing something else up.

George the Capitalist

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates exchange their loot for gold, and they make jewelry out of it.
That way, they can carry their wealth with them everywhere.
George put his money in the bank and investments.
Pretty soon, he got into real estate and shipping. And helped his crewmates invest wisely, too.
“Avast, me hearties!” shouted the captain at a passing merchant vessel. “Stand aside and prepare to be boarded!”
George tapped the captain on the shoulder. “We have stock in that company.”
“Never mind,” shouted the captain. “Have a nice day.”

George the Birdwatcher

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to borrow the captain’s telescope and go birdwatching.
Which was a bit unnerving, because when George went to watch the birds, he imagined that the birds were watching him.
“Let’s go piratewatching!” said a bird to the rest of the flock.
“That sounds like a great idea!” said the flock, and they all flew to the docks and watched the pirates.
George looked at the birds sitting on the dock and felt nervous.
“That’s… just… creepy,” said George.
“Can I have my telescope back?” said the captain.

Gone viral

As soon as the Coronavirus hit the headlines, the profiteers hit the ad banners.
Breathing masks, latex gloves, bulk hand sanitizer, and doomsday prepper kits.
Not to mention the homeopathic herbal supplements that the manufacturers claim to cure the thing.
“Did you know that chewing garlic can protect you from it?” one ad says.
Well, it’ll certainly keep people from wanting to come near your awful breath.
But one good sneeze and wipe of the hands on a doorknob, and that plan gets blown to hell.
So, if you need me, I’ll be down in my bomb shelter.
Boiling everything.

Findlay

If guns kill people, do typewriters misspell words?
Do ovens and stoves undercook your dinner?
Do cars and buses and trains run people over?
Do knives cut and stab people?
No. People do.
If you left all these things in a room, they wouldn’t just get up and harm the nearest person, would they?
They need some kind of user to do it.
Unless you live in Findlay.
That’s where things get up and harm people.
People aren’t safe in Findlay.
So, they try to get on the first bus out of town.
But, of course, it runs them over.

They Shut Down

They shut down the baseball season.
And basketball. And football. And hockey.
(Does anyone watch hockey?)
They shut down everything.
The sports networks reported on the shutdowns, and then… nothing.
So they started airing documentaries and reruns of old games.
Only the best old games, of course. None of those boring rain delays or late-season losing-record games.
Record-breaking games for home runs or strikeouts or a late-inning comeback and walkoff.
I like to go to retirement homes and look up the game on the television and then make bets with the old farts.
Until they stopped allowing visitors there too.

The cure for

We distributed the pills throughout the world along with the directions.
A lot of people swallowed the pills. And died.
I guess they didn’t read directions.
You’re supposed to crush them up in olive oil and spread them on the back of your hand for slow absorption.
Some people spread them over their arms or their chest.
They died.
More people died from various abuses and misuses of the pills.
Only if you followed the directions did you get the awesome high from it.
What? You thought this was a vaccine for the Corniavirus?
Nah. It’s a cure for stupid.