Out of the house for a while

Sure, I could watch baseball at home, but there’s nothing like going to the park.
It gets me out of the house for a while.
It’s amazing how things have gone from paper tickets to a code on your cell phone.
The apps do everything… tickets, ordering food.
I noticed a beta feature on the app that says BALL.
When I tapped it, sure enough, a ball was hit right at me.
Knocking me out cold.
I woke up in the hospital. I’ll be here for a few days.
But at least I’m out of the house for a while.

Adding up a revenge fantasy

When I ask Siri to do advanced math calculations, I think fondly of every math teacher telling me “You won’t always have a calculator.”
Well, I did then, and I do now.
I didn’t always have batteries, but when I got a solar calculator, I didn’t need them.
And then I imagine the math teachers in Hell, having a hundred calculators jammed into every orifice of their body.
Over and over.
Oh, and slide rules, too.
Can’t forget slide rules.
Sodomize those bastards with them.
What about abacuses?
Not as much, I think.
Maybe spank the math teachers with those.

Thank the bishop

Back in the old days, there was a game called Wizardry.
It was like Dungeons and Dragons with wizards, fighters, thieves, and clerics.
There were also bishops who could identify items that you could sell to the store.
Pretty useless otherwise. I’d leave them before.
Clerics were good for two things: healing combat characters and raising them from the dead.
Much cheaper than raising them in the town’s chapel.
If your entire party died, well, you had to send someone down to fetch their bodies.
Just pray your bishop can run fast enough to avoid getting seen by the monsters.

Let slip

Before they were the dogs of war that warmongers would let slip, they were the puppies of war.
Breeders picked from the best lines of dogs of war to produce them, breeding for the best attributes of war.
Showing off their selections at dogs of war shows, working out deals with other breeders to reinforce bloodlines.
Feeding them puppies of war chow to help them grow big and strong and healthy.
Training them to be obedient, as long as they remain on the leash.
But when let slip, all chaos results.
And not just scattered squeaky toys and pissed carpets.

Weekly Challenge #933 – You’ll never believe

The next topic is Register

LISA

Revelation

Another day brings with it another newspaper.

“You’ll never believe it – there’s a serial killer out there.”

She turns the page to show two familiar faces from the police evidence board. The girls the police found murdered before I was taken. I survey the room awaiting the recognition and inevitable horror.

There’s nothing.

“Don’t you recognise them?” I ask incredulously.

Every girl shakes her head.

I look around and realise our man isn’t who I thought he was.

My mind races, do the police know by now?

So. What is he? Is anyone actually looking for him.

I keep quiet.

LIZZIE

You’ll never believe what the crow said. “Crows don’t speak,” someone shouted from the back of the room. He continued to explain. Some listened in silence. Many mocked him. “It’s coming. We need to prepare.” But who was coming? And why? “I don’t know.” A group fled to the mountains. The rest just went home. The next day, a giant shadow covered the town. “Blind, we’re all blind.” This lasted a hundred years. Then, the shadow lifted. When the crow returned, they listened. They worked together. They were prepared. The crow smiled,whispering “No need for a shadow this time.”

RICHARD

Charlie

Hey, listen to this…

You’ll never believe what I saw last night: Charlie out on the town, with a blonde bimbo half his age.

You wouldn’t credit it, would you? Charlie, of all people!

Good luck to him, I say. Can’t help feeling sorry for his Mrs though, at home all alone, while he’s carrying on behind her back. Poor thing.

I left the group to gossip amongst themselves, then sent a text to Charlies’ daughter: ‘Take your dad down the pub again tonight.’

That would leave the whole evening free for me and his Mrs to have fun again.

SERENDIPIDY

You’ll never believe the pain I can inflict upon you.

Just imagine how it feels to have your finger and toenails slowly peeled off, or to have acid pumped into every orifice.

Or maybe I’ll stick matches in your eyes, then set them aflame?

And that’s just for starters.

I want you to know exactly what lies in store for you if you dare to try that with me ever again!

Some things you just don’t do.

So, be a dear… make me another cup of coffee, and this time – if you know what’s good for you – only one sugar!

NORVAL JOE

A swat agent approached Billbert. He shook his head grimly. “You’ll never believe we have a teenage shooter in our county. How many mass shootings have we had in America this year already? What is this country coming to?”
He looked at one of his men and nodded to Billbert. “Cuff him.”
“It wasn’t me.” Billbert struggled to point as the driver disappeared into the trees. “It was that guy.”
Seeing no one where Billbert indicated, the officer said, “We’ll hear your story when we get you downtown.”
They dragged Billbert past the car wreck to a waiting squad car.

TOM

933

You’ll never believe it, but I just meet the Pope at the Venetian. He was playing craps in one of the far back rooms. Had a bunch of holy see guys with him. Sure, they were all in some form of disguise. Lot of bad facial hair. Sided burns out of the 50s. God damn Mullets. Pope in front party in back. Sure, I know the news said he was in hospital, but I’m tell you it was the pope. He even had me blow on his dices. What was the tip-off. No one wears red Pradas like his holiness.

850

Concertinas and Pacing
Of late my favorite classic piece of music is libertango by Astor Piazzolla. It is the music currently playing in the background. Very Latin in flavor. There are dozens of videos on the net with Concertinas soaring at blistering pacing. Some include demolition Tango dancers. This is not father’s accordion. Actually, the key pattern is different. Concertinas have keys operating parallel to the bellows travel and accordions have keys operating perpendicular to the bellows travel. Concertinas feature buttons at both ends of the instrument whereas accordion buttons are on the front. I wonder if Weird Al has recorded a version?

PLANET Z

I try not to eat too late these days.
Best to let food settle for three or four hours before laying down or sleeping.
It makes naps difficult. Impossible.
And if dinner slides a bit later, well, best to have a light salad or soup earlier and then reschedule.
Otherwise, it’s a dessert of antacids.
And certainly not any coffee or anything harsh on the stomach.
Too many times, and you can kiss sleep goodbye.
Can you call in sick? Good.
Check for a series to stream, bundle up, and keep yourself awake a bit until the food goes down.

CHATGPT

“You’ll never believe it,” Bob exclaimed, his eyes wide with excitement as he burst into the room. “I just trained my goldfish to play poker!”

His friends exchanged skeptical glances. “Bob, you’ve lost it,” Sarah chuckled.

But Bob was undeterred. He proudly displayed his aquatic card sharks, each goldfish sporting a tiny poker visor and a serious expression. As they dealt the cards, one fish even blew a bubble confidently.

“See? He’s bluffing!” Bob pointed, but the others erupted into laughter.

“Congratulations, Bob,” Sarah said, patting his shoulder. “You’ve officially reached the deep end of insanity.”

The dangers of teaching danger

Every company, junk food and fast food, sends out their mascots to schools.
Today, it’s the clown in yellow, red, and white. the one from the burger place.
He’s at the school to teach the kids about nutrition and exercise.
Leading them through games and songs and dances.
The pudgy kids stumbling, falling, and wheezing.
Tomorrow, it’ll be the old man in the white suit, the one from the chicken place.
With more games and songs and dances.
And when the fun is over, the kids go home, and they scream for the unhealthy stuff.
Coming back fatter and clumsier.

Neutral

The Swiss claim to be neutral.
A permanent mountainous buffer between France and Austria.
They refuse to join any defense pacts.
They refuse to join any economic treaties.
Or allow attacks to be launched from their territory in their conflict.
However, they’re more than happy to lecture others from on high on how to conduct war and human rights.
While manufacturing and selling weapons to everyone. (Until war breaks out)
Filling their banks with the gold and assets of the world’s leaders.
Expensive chalets for the losers of those conflicts.
Oh, and to sell body bags.
And watches. And chocolates.

Ingrown

If you use a razor, you’ll give yourself nicks and cuts.
But if you use an electric shaver or trimmer, you’ll end up causing more than a few ingrown hairs.
The closer you shave, the more ingrown hairs happen.
Some become inflamed and messy.
Squeezing them out, cleaning them up, patting on the astringent.
Again. And again. And again.
I don’t know which is messier, the razor or the shaver.
As I get older and my hands shakier, I cut myself more.
Before I wash the blood from my face, the cat jumps on the counter to lick it off.

Tracking medicine

Everything was clipboards and paper and charts, and it was so easy to lose information.
Patients would get the wrong food or medications, and it was more paperwork for us.
We switched to iPads, and the errors decreased a lot.
Putting barcodes on wristbands made it even easier to track patients and their needs.
We tried giving them a pill with an RFID tag in it so they’d automatically sync up with our pads, but the metal was enough to cause problems in the MRI machine.
The pill would come out like a bullet.
And those MRI machines are expensive.

Influencers

The company built a fancy resort hotel and then gave away rooms to dozens of social media influencers.
“Tell the world what you honestly think,” the company said.
So, they did.
They said it was fancy, an experience of a lifetime.
The food, the rooms, the service, the pool… everything was simply the best.
Their blog posts and instagrams and youtube videos gushed hyperbolic praise and joy.
Their posts filled up with nasty comments, wanting to know if they’d had gone and been so happy if they had to pay.
But the influencers were already at another resort.
Comped, naturally.