“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”
Gromsch the Troll put down the dead paladin’s battered copy of Nietzsche, and for a while, he stared at his blood-soaked talons, opening and closing them.
“I fight heroes,” Gromsch muttered. “Will I become a hero?”
The paladin’s corpse did not answer.
Gromsch shrugged, slowly stood up, and crawled out of his cave.
The sunset and clouds were beautiful tonight, the most beautiful he had ever seen, and he wiped a tear from his eye.
And the Heavens above gazed back into him.
Category: Halloween
The Devil Is Near
When the Devil is near, radios and telephones pick up nothing but static.
WiFi, too.
He likes to go to Starbucks, just to mess with the hipsters on their Macbooks and iPads and iPhones.
Of course, the same thing happens when you go into a tunnel. Radio waves have a hard time getting through all that rock.
Before you start screaming “THE DEVIL!” over and over, check to see if you’re in a tunnel first.
If you’re in a tunnel, relax. You’re in a tunnel. It’s not the Devil.
Unless, of course, the Devil is in the tunnel with you.
Mummy Fighters
Allison filled the super-soaker with holy water.
Joe grabbed a pair of hand mirrors from the drugstore.
Ed has a hammer and a fanny pack full of wooden stakes.
Sally looked at them all and growled.
“We’re hunting mummies, not vampires!”
She lit a torch. “You know? Fire? Mummies hate fire?”
The others shrugged. “But we get paid more for vampires.”
Sally smirked. “You guys are idiots.”
She pulled out her cell phone and called the client. “My team’s gone nuts.”
The client hung up on her, and called the asylum.
“Four for pickup,” he said. “And bring silver bullets.”
Susie’s Monster
Susie was afraid of monsters, so instead of a bed, she slept in a hammock.
And instead of a closet, she kept her clothes in her dresser and an armoire.
“An armoire is just a freestanding closet, isn’t it?” asked Susie’s monster.
“Not according to union rules,” said his supervisor. “She’s got her bases covered. Even uses a clear shower curtain so you can’t sneak up on her.”
Over the years, Susie’s monster was jealous of the other monsters, who earned massive performance bonuses.
And then, after years of doing nothing, Susie’s monster was ready…
He was promoted to management.
Lawn Gnome
I was a small kid.
So, for Halloween, Mom used to dress me up as a garden gnome.
This wasn’t all that special, because she made me dress up as a garden gnome the rest of the year.
She’d force me to stand outside in the weeds and watch the street.
“It’s raining, Mom!” I yelled. “Can I come inside?”
The TV was too loud for her to hear me. Or she was passed out drunk.
Eventually, the county took me away and put me in a foster home.
Well, in front of a foster home.
I hate lawn gnomes.
The Farmer
I met a farmer who says that he uses every part of the chicken except for the cluck.
“What about cows?” I asked him. “You use the moo?”
“Nope,” he said.
“What about pigs?” I asked him. “You use the oinks?”
“Don’t use those either,” he said.
“So, what do you do with them?”
He took me to a cellar door and we walked down the stairs.
Rows and rows of jars, full of clucks, oinks, and moos.
“There’s also a few screams from nosy tresspassers,” he grinned.
I walked out with a jar, containing his last gasp of surprise.
Carving Time
It has been a long time since I carved a pumpkin for Halloween.
It has also been twenty years since I carved up my wife and son.
I’ve run out of appeals, and I just want this to be over.
I get an hour of outdoor time every day. But it’s in a concrete courtyard with a basketball hoop.
No grass.
No flowers.
And certainly no pumpkins.
I ask for a whole pumpkin pie for my last meal.
Two pokes for eyes, a long slash for a mouth.
I lick my fingers… it’s a smiley face.
Breathe in the cinnamon.
Two Doses Of Candy
Unlike other houses in the neighborhood, Doctor Odd makes his own candy for Halloween.
And it’s the best candy. In the world.
Kids flock from miles around to ring his doorbell and beg for his candy.
Some kids try to trick or treat his house twice. Or they trade their entire haul for a second helping of his candy.
One dose of the secret ingredient induces euphoria in a child. But two doses?
“The warning label clearly states that two servings may cause death,” says Doctor Odd’s attorney.
And this is why The Day Of The Dead comes after Halloween.
Haunted Old Folks Home
When I was little, my town didn’t have a haunted house to scare the kids on Halloween.
Instead, the Jaycees drove them all out to the old folks home, and the kids had to listen to all the sick and dying and lonely old people complain and scream in pain and shit themselves.
If the kids were lucky, a resident would throw up blood and die. That shit was seriously scary.
Now that I’m old, and I live in the old folks home, I look forward to Halloween.
Pay it forward.
But, seriously, I’d rather not vomit blood and die.
Huge
Usually, farmers in Oak County just grow one pumpkin for the largest pumpkin in the largest pumpkin contest, but for some reason, all of the farmers went crazy this year and used all of their fields to grow as many large pumpkins as they could.
They didn’t plant anything else.
No wheat. No corn. No soybeans.
Just pumpkins.
So, there was nothing to send to market or the grain elevators. The banks foreclosed on all the farms.
The worst thing is, those super-sized giant pumpkins are inedible. Totally disgusting.
We ended up smashing the windows of the bank with them.