Category: My stories

The Caves

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The hills are full of caverns.
We drew maps as we explored them.
Then, we put them in the computer and watched the image take shape.
Bobby pointed at a blank spot.
“What’s there?” he asked.
We looked over the paper maps. Nothing.
Bobby made notes, and he made it our goal.
“I bet something’s there,” Bobby said.
The passages got tighter and more dangerous. Some underwater.
Then, we came to the iron door.
No writing on it, no marks at all.
It opened.
Two glowing eyes stared at us.
The door slammed shut.
We ran, and never went back.

Icons

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One of my favorite computer pranks is to capture a desktop screen, make a wallpaper out of it, and then delete all the icons.
When the user comes back to their workstation, they double-click on the icons on the wallpaper, but nothing happens because they’re not really there.
After a while, they start to panic, clicking and dragging and pounding the keyboard in frustration.
It’s funny to watch. I let them freak out for a while before revealing the prank.
One time, I wasn’t there to reveal the trick, and they slashed their wrists.
I don’t do that prank anymore.

The Tire Swing

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Back when I lived in Shermerville a long time ago, there was a huge willow tree in the yard.
My dad hung a tire swing from it, and we’d swing on that.
When the knot would come loose, the tire would fall and roll and bounce around.
If you were inside it, well, you got knocked around with it.
After a few times that happened, instead of making the knot safer, the rope and tire were removed
Sometimes, I think back to that tire swing.
Then I look around at the world, and I realize, the knot is coming loose.

To Hate A Pancake

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Every year, the robotics class faced a challenge.
Last year, they had to move tennis balls from one container to another.
The year before, their robot had to snuff out candles.
It’s announcement Day, and the teacher cheerfully shouts to the class:
“This year, you will construct machines that hate pancakes.”
The students formed teams, and each were handed an identical basket full of spare parts.
Plus, a box of pancake mix.
Five weeks later, the confused students lined up their robots.
The first was turned on, and it attacked the janitor.
“Pancakes, not Mexicans!” shouted the teacher. “You fail!”

Patrick

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Patrick hated St. Patrick’s Day.
Every March, people would start calling him “Saint Patrick” and expect him to wear green.
They’d call him “Paddy” in a really bad Irish brogue, rub their hands through his red hair, and pinch his rosy cheeks.
This year, he caught wind that he was going to be paid in pennies in a pot.
“A pot of gold!” the payroll specialist chirped.
“Pennies are zinc and copper, you idiot!” Patrick shouted.
That’s when he snapped.
That night, carrying a thick sack into the office, Patrick loosened the rope around the end and released the snakes.

Jacketless Day

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Today is my first Jacketless Day of the year.
It’s nice enough out for me not to wear my leather jacket.
I figure I’ll leave it on the back of a chair for a few days, then it will go back up in the closet, waiting for the next Jacket Day of the year.
I should go through my jacket pockets and get everything out of them that I need, but leave a few things in there to surprise me when Jacket Day comes again.
Nothing sharp, though. Just something weird, like a slinky or a green glowing golf ball.

The Mermaid Feast

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Old Captain Jack was a friend to all creatures of the sea, so when he died, they took his boat out thirty miles from shore and cast him into the briny deep.
Six mermaids caught his shrouded body and escorted him over the horizon.
The crew set course for port, but winds blew them back out, and they came across the mermaids.
They were feasting on Jack’s corpse, hands drenched in gore and blood.
The crew wanted to fire their cannon to scatter the mermaids, but instead they just watched.
Watching half-naked cannibal women are better than nothing, I suppose.

Fooling Osiris

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Rameses knew he was a royal dick. His heart was heavy with guilt. So, he constructed a fake from red feathers.
“That way I pass Osiris’ Test of Balances and go into Paradise,” he said.
On the day of their master’s death, his assistants did as he wished. They tore out his heart, put it in a jar, and carefully implanted the feather construct.
Then, they were put to death and buried with him.
Osiris looked at the feather-heart.
“Light, isn’t it?” said Ramses.
“Yes,” he said. “Pretty.”
Then, he took out a jar. “But this one says you’re fucked.”

Clown Fights

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Billy and Bobby live next door to each other. They have the same birthday, too.
That’s caused problems.
You see, Billy and Bobby hate each other. And those feelings boil over when they have their birthday parties.
One year, they each got a pony. Cute, right?
Wrong. It ended up in a jousting duel.
This year, they’ve each got clowns. Bobby slashing Billy’s clown’s tires got things off on the wrong floppy-shoed foot.
The rubber chickens and balloon animals are flying. I’ve seen a few clods of dirt and bricks.
Better bring the cake inside. And get me my shotgun.

Olympic Medalist

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Sally trained hard for years, dreaming of the day that she’d win the gold at the Olympics.
Her family sacrificed so much for her, giving up so much so she’d have the best trainer and the best equipment.
They paid off the Board Of Education so that her training would count as school credits.
No need for math and science when there’s a medal to be won, right?
Which, that summer, she won.
And promptly then fell off the medal podium, shattering her leg.
No endorsements. No career.
Nothing.
For years, she used that medal to scratch off lottery tickets.