Category: My stories

The Apples

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As I walk along the path to the castle, the trees bend down and offer me some apples.
“They are juicy and ripe,” say the trees. “We’d hate for them to go to waste.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m allergic to apples.”
Insulted, the trees turn their backs to the path.
“I could juggle them if you’d like,” I say.
The trees are shocked. “How would you like it if we asked if we could juggle your babies?” they ask.
“But you offered to let me eat them,” I said.
“That’s different,” they say, and I walk in uncomfortable silence.

The Barber

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Back when I was a younger man, I liked to play jokes.
I get bored easily. When I get bored, I joke.
I went into the barber shop every day of the week for a haircut.
As I came back each day, the barber became more and more confused.
“Weren’t you just here yesterday?” he asked.
“It only feels that way,” I said. “Should I come in more often?”
On Friday, I didn’t give him a tip.
“You left it too long!” I shouted and stormed out of the shop.
The barber scalped me so I’d never do it again.

Burn the trees

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We need more farmland, so we must clear more trees.
The warriors tried to burn the trees down, but once we lit them on fire, they continued burning for weeks.
The fire rages in their branches without consuming them.
Instead of clearing the forest of all trees, we cleared the forest of all the inhabitants.
The flames scared away all the creatures with any sense to fear fire, and those that didn’t, they burned.
We watched the forest burn from our huts on the hills, and knowing that the planting season would pass us by, we prepared our fishing nets.

The Magical Shoes

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The shoes! Magical talking shoes!
We agree they’re worth a share of treasure.
“We are worth two!” cry the shoes.
“Hold your tongues!” I say. “You don’t have a say in this matter.”
As each member of our group examined them, they squeaked.
“Dwarf feet stink! Worse than the goblin you rescued me from!”
“Warriors jump too much!”
“Priests are boring!”
And our mage didn’t like them.
“They lack curly points,” he said.
“We’ll sell them?” said the dwarf.
We agreed.
“No!” protested the shoes.
Heading out of the dungeon, we were ambushed by goblins.
The shoes screamed. “Not again!”

The Chicken Channel

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The cable is out.
Ever since the conversion to digital signals, the cable has been rock-solid. And…
It’s back? That was pretty quick.
Usually, it takes hours. That was just a few seconds.
For a moment, I swear I saw…
A chicken?
We have a digital recorder, so I rewind the tape… Hah, all these anachronistic terms.
Anyway, I go back and…
A chicken. Staring out from the screen.
It is a powerful, bold chicken. It is a majestic, God-like chicken. I am ready to do as it commands.
And I am filled with the overwhelming urge to eat… BEEF!

No Clue

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From the moment I was called on, it was obvious: I had no clue.
Everybody else has a clue, but when Teacher asked where mine was, I said “I forgot.”
The other kids, with their bloody knives and smoking guns and fingerprints, laughing at me.
Shrinking into my seat, the laughter just gets worse.
I snapped. I went on a murderous rampage with the various weapons in the classroom.
When the smoke cleared, I was the last alive.
That’s when I realized… I had a clue after all.
Many clues.
Sitting there, on the desk.
I give myself an A.

Sunday Brunch

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I was cleaning the litterbox when I came across a human skull.
I’m pretty sure it’s human, unlike the past three skulls, which turned out to be chimpanzees.
My kitten is asleep on a chair.
Should I have stopped him after finding the first skull?
It was only a chimpanzee, right? Where’s the harm in that?
I haven’t seen any posters about missing chimpanzee skulls. Or, now, human skulls.
I tried to put a camera on the litterbox, but the power cord had been chewed on and pulled out.
The kitten is awake. I smile, and cautiously wiggle a ribbon.

Squeaky Wheel

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The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but what do the other wheels get?
Nothing. That’s why all the wheels squeak at the same time.
One squeaks loudly, and the others think “Hey, we don’t want that wheel getting all the grease! We want grease, too!”
Yes, wheels think. They go round and round with this stuff in their little wheel heads.
They all start to squeak, even though they’re fine.
Pretty soon, all the wheels are squeaking as loud as they can.
Never mind that they’re sitting perfectly still, not moving.
Yeah, that creeps the shit out of me, too.

Gutter

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Hi. My name is Gus Gustafson.
I design gutters. The best in town.
If you need a gutter, get Gus!
That’s on the side of my truck.
I put a lot of thought into my gutters.
You could say that my mind is always in the gutter.
And you’d be right. When I’m not designing gutters on my computer, I’m using it to download and watch hardcore pornography.
While watching a midget amputee rape a donkey, I notice that the gutters on their bungalow are uneven and sagging.
So is the midget, but there’s nothing I can do about that.

The Blood

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Hallways of history’s horrors, collected to remind future generations of the evils of the past.
Never again, we all say.
Gunfire!
Get down. Now.
Get behind something.
We see two men, guns drawn.
A guard. And a madman.
Both fired.
Each man falls to the floor, blood flowing from where they’d shot each other.
A madman with a lifetime of hate, his blood slowly mixing with the guard’s blood who had stopped him at the cost of his own life.
He sees the dead stare, and then their blood together.
Black. White.
If only this were the last to spill.