Category: My stories

Boatsman

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Throughout the ages, the boatsman kept his fare the same: one soul, one coin.
It didn’t matter what kind of coin it was or how valuable it had been in the land of the living.
He liked to collect coins.
On the weekends, he showed off his vast coin collection to his friends.
The job called for a stoic, professional demeanor, so when he was given a coin he didn’t already have, he’d fight hard to keep his composure.
Nobody wants their trip across the River Styx to be performed by a giddy skeletal ferryman.
It’s not like you ask for “do overs.”

Supersize

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Ever try to Supersize a Happy Meal?
I’ve tried it all around the world. Every single store they have on the face of the earth. I’ve been to every stinking one of them.
And they just won’t do it.
It doesn’t matter what language they speak there or what currency they take. They just won’t do it.
It’s impossible, they say.
Nothing is impossible, I reply.
They said that I couldn’t go around the world, asking for a Supersized Happy Meal, but I have.
I hear three new stores open every day.
Let’s hit the road and try again tomorrow.

Mister Hunktastic

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A smile. A perfect smile.
A patent pending smile, it’s so perfect.
Coming down the street.
Traffic stops. Everyone swoons.
It’s him.
Mister Hunktastic.
The one and only.
But man enough to be two… three… four…
Five? No, that’s silly.
Maybe four and a half.
Mister Hunktastic.
All man all the time.
Even asleep. The standard is set for hunkiness.
Hunkitude? Hunkery?
He’s gonna franchise himself. Make millions.
Coming down your street.
Traffic stops. Everybody swoons.
Mister Hunktastic.
And his perfect smile.
His perfect perfect smile.
Oh so perfect.
Let’s all smile.
Smile big and perfect.
Along with.
Mister Hunktastic.

Egghead

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Perhaps you’ve noticed my massive pulsating egg-shaped head?
Frightening, isn’t it? Yes!
But why? Why is my head so disturbing to others?
It’s not hurting anyone… Now.
I don’t have horns or antlers to gore my enemies with.
And if I rub it on you, the condition is truly non-contagious.
I just have a big egg-shaped head.
Oh, it’s my gigantic brain that concerns you.
Well, does it help if I say that I just think of happy duckies and bunnies and puppies?
No?
I guess I’ll have to blow up your brain with my psychic powers!
Just kidding. Really.

Calling Myself

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I know it sounds weird, but I put myself on speed dial.
That way, when I don’t know what to do, I can always call myself.
Sometimes, I’m the one calling myself. And other times, my phone rings and it’s me.
Usually, it’s nothing important, like directions somewhere.
But the other day, I swear, I heard crying in the background.
“I can’t find the chainsaw,” said my voice over the phone.
“It’s in the shed,” I said. “What do I need it for?”
“Thank you,” I said, and I hung up.
I took myself off of speed-dial and blocked myself.

Haircut Time

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I’m overdue for a haircut.
I’ve got every barber in town calling my cell phone.
They’re bidding on the job.
Some of them are trying to sweeten the deal with things like limo rides, hookers, and a free shave.
This one stylist keeps sending me flowers. Huge flower arrangements.
In fact, when I open the door, the whole front hallway is just flowers.
How he got in here to fill the place with flowers, I’m not so sure.
Kinda scares me.
Maybe I’ll just donate it to those cancer folks.
Or shampoo with Nair and let it all fall out.

Belt Loop

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When I’m having a bad day, I’ll take off my belt and reverse it through the loops.
Instead of feeding it around to the right, I’ll feed it to the left.
Does it change anything?
No. But it gives me a moment to breathe and think.
Now, if someone gets me so riled up that I take my belt off a second time, I take it off and beat them with it.
When I’m done, I thread it back the right way.
Get up. Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up.
And don’t piss me off a third time.

The Boat

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He puts her in the ground and plants a tree on the spot as he promised.
Years later, he takes a branch and whittles a small boat from it.
Places a candle in the center.
Go to the water, light the candle, and let it flow downstream.
Every night, you can see dozens of candles floating by.
At sunset, it’s so beautiful. And yet, every light is someone lost.
And someone who has lost.
When it is my time, promise me.
Plant the tree.
Carve a boat.
Light a candle in the center.
And remember.
As I have promised you.

The Book Of Roger

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Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your hymnals to Roger Chapter 5 Verse 3.
What? You nay heard about Roger?
Well, I photocopied it up and stuck it in your books, so shut yer traps and read along or yer all going to Hell!
“Two monkeys were fucking on a unicycle the other day, arguing over an ice cream cone.”
What are ye daft? Why are you lot looking at me like that?
Got a problem with the Gospels or something?
This is The Book of Roger. And Roger didn’t mince words like all the other pansies who wrote The Bible.

Spiders

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Sometimes, grocery shopping with Zelda the Enchantress can be scary.
“What kind of peanut butter would you like?” she asks.
Here’s where it gets confusing.
I like creamy peanut butter.
But I also like crunchy.
Creamy! Crunchy! I can’t decide!
“Spiders!” I shout.
“Spiders?” she asks. “Spider peanut butter?”
“I dunno!” I say. “I panicked.”
She shrugs. “Spider peanut butter,” she says. “And what kind of jelly? Spider jelly?”
“No,” I say. “Um… forget the spider peanut butter. And the jelly.”
“What about the bread?” she asks.
“Forget about the bread,” I say.
Oh great. Now I’m hungry for spiders.