Yorick

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The old jester imagined that he would be telling jokes in court to laughing royalty, screwing maids in the barn, and dining on the best of what the castle’s kitchen had to offer.
Instead, he had a mouth full of mud and his back ached from the weight of the young prince.
“Horsey!’ shouted Hamlet.
Yorick groaned with each kick to his ribs.
At first, it was a delight. But with each passing week of being a plaything, Yorick grew weary.
Yorick never did get the laughter, maids, or feasts.
He died a broken man, a feast for the worms.

The Hive Queen

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Ambassador Grindmar’s report to the Hive Queen was positive: the negotiations were going well, and peace would come at an insignificant price, easily made up for with future mutual trade and growth.
“Where is that Grindmar now?” asked the Queen.
The bodyguards upended a preservation-cask, spilling Grindmar’s butchered carcass on the throne room floor.
“That’s unfortunate,” said the Queen. “But the negotiations completed, correct?”
“Yes,” said Grindmar’s replacement. “The war is over.”
“Good,” said the Hive Queen. “Let us Prepare a feast in Grindmar’s honor.”
That night, Grindmar was as delicious as she had been skilled in crafting peace treaties

Trademark

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In all the signals the aliens sent us, there was never a harsh word or a profanity uttered.
Completely friendly.
It wasn’t until their delegation landed and their people walked around did we realize it was going to be an issue.
You see, in their language, many corporation names and trademarked brands were the most vile things imaginable.
“Coke” was a revolting sexual act.
“Disney” was scatological in nature.
“Ford” was akin to genocide.
And so on.
So, eventually, they gave up on our planet and went on to the next one.
While we drank our Cokes and waved goodbye.

Implants

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How fast they grow up.
My little girl, Lisa, wants neural implants.
All the kids at school have them, why can’t she?
When her mother and I were kids, we had to wait until we were grown up to get them.
Now, the school system pushes the kids harder and harder. And it’s so much cheaper to jack in a kid to the network than teach them the old way.
The green hair took some getting used to. The piercings. The drinking. The boyfriends. The usual signs of rebellion.
But then, I guess the third grade’s been tough for her.

The Whole World

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I get so afraid of the world sometimes.
The whole damn world.
When the fear gets to be too much, I crawl into bed and pull the covers up to my chin.
Then, I just lay there, not even moving my eyes.
I am as still as a statue.
The shadows close in on me, looking, and I can feel them watching for the slightest move.
I’m just sitting here, feeling my heart beat. The rise and fall of my chest as I breathe.
What will they do next?
I don’t know. And that is what I find so terrifying.

Icing

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Elroy bakes the best cakes in the city.
People would pay dearly for these works of art.
I once had the privilege to watch him in action… although it was hard to keep up with the blur of kitchen implements and cloud of ingredients whizzing around him.
What was most impressive was his mastery of icing cakes.
He showed me a bare cake, told me to try to eat it.
So, I put a fork in the side of it, and as I drew the fork to my mouth, that bit of cake was perfectly iced.
A magician, he was.

Dripping

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Three angels were meditating upon a leaky faucet in God’s kitchen.
The first was inspired to write a symphony based on the dripping of the water and the violence of it crashing against the basin.
The second painted a wonderful painting, capturing the essence of how the light reflected off of the droplets and the passage of each droplet through the air.
The third captured a droplet and brewed a marvelous potion, a taste that was refreshing and soothing.
They presented their creations to God, who howled in rage.
“Why didn’t any of you idiots call a plumber?” He yelled.

Spaceman

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He said he was a spaceman and that he’d come a long way to visit Earth.
I shook his hand and welcomed him to our planet.
He thanked me, took off his helmet, and looked around.
“It looks a lot different since the last time I was here,” he said.
“How long has it been since you were last here?” I asked.
“A while,” he said. “Too long, I guess.”
“Yeah, things change quickly these days,” I said. “Kinda hard to keep up.”
We sat for a while, drank a few beers, and watched the stars.
“Too long,” he said.

Beautiful Teeth

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I have the most beautiful teeth.
White, smooth, and perfectly even.
They are marvelous and precise, a wonder to behold.
My gums, however, are disgusting.
Bloody and ragged, like a horrendously ugly frame around an exquisite work of art.
“How can this be?” I ask my dentist. “What kind of cruel joke is it to have such beautiful teeth held prisoner within this putrid mouth?”
This dentist is no different than the others. He has no answers.
I wish I were the Cheshire Cat.
I’d vanish from the world, along with my gums, leaving this most wondrous, precious, beautiful smile.

Vacuum

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Milton has one of those vacuums with the clear tube that sucks all the dirt into, and you can watch it spinning around like a tornado.
So, he throws things on the floor so he can vacuum them up.
Yesterday, he tried to do it with popcorn, but it got all jammed in the hoses.
The motor’s high-pitched whine caught his attention.
Milton tipped the vacuum over to clear out the jam, but he forgot to turn off the vacuum.
He watched in horror… and then fascination as his fingers rattled around the clear plastic tube in the vacuum cleaner.