Category: My stories

Dripping

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Three angels were meditating upon a leaky faucet in God’s kitchen.
The first was inspired to write a symphony based on the dripping of the water and the violence of it crashing against the basin.
The second painted a wonderful painting, capturing the essence of how the light reflected off of the droplets and the passage of each droplet through the air.
The third captured a droplet and brewed a marvelous potion, a taste that was refreshing and soothing.
They presented their creations to God, who howled in rage.
“Why didn’t any of you idiots call a plumber?” He yelled.

Spaceman

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He said he was a spaceman and that he’d come a long way to visit Earth.
I shook his hand and welcomed him to our planet.
He thanked me, took off his helmet, and looked around.
“It looks a lot different since the last time I was here,” he said.
“How long has it been since you were last here?” I asked.
“A while,” he said. “Too long, I guess.”
“Yeah, things change quickly these days,” I said. “Kinda hard to keep up.”
We sat for a while, drank a few beers, and watched the stars.
“Too long,” he said.

Beautiful Teeth

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I have the most beautiful teeth.
White, smooth, and perfectly even.
They are marvelous and precise, a wonder to behold.
My gums, however, are disgusting.
Bloody and ragged, like a horrendously ugly frame around an exquisite work of art.
“How can this be?” I ask my dentist. “What kind of cruel joke is it to have such beautiful teeth held prisoner within this putrid mouth?”
This dentist is no different than the others. He has no answers.
I wish I were the Cheshire Cat.
I’d vanish from the world, along with my gums, leaving this most wondrous, precious, beautiful smile.

Vacuum

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Milton has one of those vacuums with the clear tube that sucks all the dirt into, and you can watch it spinning around like a tornado.
So, he throws things on the floor so he can vacuum them up.
Yesterday, he tried to do it with popcorn, but it got all jammed in the hoses.
The motor’s high-pitched whine caught his attention.
Milton tipped the vacuum over to clear out the jam, but he forgot to turn off the vacuum.
He watched in horror… and then fascination as his fingers rattled around the clear plastic tube in the vacuum cleaner.

Left Behind

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I watch from my twisted prison, two birds soaring over the water, free to ride the breezes.
They are the craftsman, Daedalus, and his son, Icarus. Escaping Knossos on wings of feathers, wood and wax.
They are abandoning me, and I howl with rage.
In our youth, Icarus and I were brothers. Royal blood may flow through me, but Daedalus taught me, and we struggled against my monstrous nature.
More of a father than the tyrant who sends the children of his enemies for me to devour.
A flash of flame on the horizon. Icarus is falling.
My brother! No!

The Violent Pizza

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My friend Mikey is one of those political vegans. He orders what he calls non-violent foods, made from healthy ingredients that don”t come from exploiting farm animals.
Today, he’s at a bistro ordering a “non-violent pizza” with garlic, tomatoes, broccoli, and soy cheese.
But the chef has other, sinister plans. He puts on his rubber gloves, reaches for the glowing tubs of shredded meat, and constructs… The Violent Pizza!
In a matter of minutes, a horrifying, angry pizza-creature will burst from the brick oven.
Terrified patrons will scatter and flee.
Mikey, however, will smile and calmly ask for a salad.

Toaster Affair

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She’s been buying a lot of bread lately.
Two, three loaves a week.
Then, this week, ten. And the week’s not over yet.
Know what I think? I think she”s having an affair with the toaster.
Not that I blame her. It”s a really, really nice toaster.
Shiny, too.
It’s got a lifetime warranty, but with all the bread she’s running through the poor thing, she’s burning it up.
I watch her pull out the crumb catcher tray and pour it out in the trash.
The way she puts it back “slowly”
At least it’s not the smoke alarm anymore.

Electro the Magnificent

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Electro the Magnificent ran everything for almost a thousand years.
Every decision was made by this amazing and powerful electronic brain.
Even Electro’s critics found it to be perfectly capable of responding to all problems with a fair solution.
Over the centuries, humans tried to revere Electro as a god, but Electro guided people away from treating it like a cult figure.
At the end of a thousand years, there was peace, prosperity, and unity not only on Earth, but all human worlds.
Researchers stopped the model at that point.
“So, should we turn it on?” one asked.
Would you?

Back In The Day

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Back in the day, Batman would be all over Gotham City, battling villains, busting crooked capers, and solving crimes.
Then, one day, instead of coming up with an elaborate way to kill Batman that he could escape from, The Joker stabbed him in the heart with a knife.
After that, all the fun of being a bad guy just went away. They had nobody to match wits against anymore.
Most retired. But others, well…
Sad, really, watching The Riddler going around, taunting passers-by with “What have I got in my pockets?”
Oh well. Fun while it lasted, right, Mr. Kent?

Mouth of Money

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Wanna see something really cool?
Put a five dollar bill in Fred’s mouth, and he can spit out a hundred nickels.
No. Really. Try it.
The guy’s got himself a magical mouth or something.
Same goes for a dollar bill. He’ll spit out a hundred pennies.
What about a ten-spot? Sure, give it a try. He’ll spit out a hundred dimes.
If you need a hundred Susan B. Anthonies, put in a C-note.
Out come the shiny silver little dollars. Not that you can use them anywhere.
Don’t try it with a twenty, though. Don’t try it with a twenty.