The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 69

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Disturbed by mounting casualty figures, Abraham Lincoln asked for a census count.
When he had the numbers, he was in for a surprise.
“We have more men now that we had when the war began,” said Abe.
“Yes,” said the statistician. “But gender distribution’s gotten unbalanced.”
Abe noticed that there were many more women than men in public these days.
“It’s the same for the South, too?” asked Lincoln.
“I believe so,” said the statistician.
Lincoln chuckled and rubbed his hands together.
“I don’t think Mary Todd will be having any more headaches if she knows what’s good for her.”

Weekly Challenge #38 – A Kiss

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Welcome to the thirty-eighth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was supposed to be selected by Tom from Footnote, and it’s a kiss.
Eleven stories were submitted this week. Double digits!
A rookie this week… Simon H joins the fun!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story in the 38th Weekly Challenge?
Laieanna from Hodgepodge Point
Simon from Freelance Cynic
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Tom from Footnote
Caroline from Quadra Island
Andrew from Dodgeblogium
Russell from Come Let Me Whisper
Rahel from Elms In The Yard
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
K-Nine from Dead Dog Walkin’
Brother Osric from The Scriptorium
The Mad Bard from Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… I still haven’t decided what it will be, but I will be sending them one.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
LAIEANNA

The princess passionately kissed the seaweed, only to come away with a rash. She bent for a pucker upon the rock, tripping and bashing three teeth. The thistle left it’s love with scratches on her face and a snail’s secretions caused bumps to surface around her lips. The dog was less receptive, taking a chunk from her chin. Then the skunk freaked at her affection, spraying her with a rather potent stench.
“I told you not everything turns into a charming prince,” the king scolded before handing her over to her new husband Prince Barftog of the Northern troll clan.

SIMON H

“‘A kiss?’ the Roman said. ‘Can’t you just tap him on the shoulder?’
‘No’ he replied, ‘No I can’t.’
‘But we know him. We can get him ourselves, keep you out of it! ‘
‘No, I want to do it.’ How could they understand the years of frustration? The look of those parable telling lips?
‘But this is history! You want to be famous for kissing a man?’
‘A kiss will just look better alright?’ He straightened his robe and breathed deeply. ‘How do I look?’ he said.
And with the mob close behind him, he walked into the Garden.”

CALEB

Moonlight and Love songs never out of date? Ha. Don’t make me laugh.
Ever since the Lycanthrope Plague of 2037 when we had to blow up the moon, those old love songs just serve as a painful reminder of science gone wrong.
Hearts full of passion, jealousy and hate? More like nano-bots full of cholesterol dissolving enzymes and oxygen re-circulators to keep us from strangling on this thick grey polluted air.
And yet, in all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, when I’m loaded I find myself telling my subcutaneous audio matrix, “Play it, S.A.M.”

TOM

He gave him a peck on the check then whispered the following into the rabbi’s ear. “There’s a bounty on your head for your rather indecorous act in the temple”
“How much?” inquired Jesus
“30 pieces.” Said Judas
“30 pieces!” yelled Peter
“We got 60 for half the damage in Damascus.”
Soon all the apostles were bitching and moaning about the take.
Jesus raised his hand they all fell silent.
“Everyone knows their positions in Gethsemane?”
The shills nodded.
“And Judas try to make the kiss more convincing this time.
Caiaphas may be a mark, but he’s a shroud mark.”

CAROLINE

During the summer of 1964 while camping at a place called ‘Eels Foot Inn’ his family arrived, our eyes locked. Jack was my age.
Strangely, both families pushed us together throwing out the water, telling us to get more. Minding not in the least and giggling childishly off we went. At 15 and very slow courting, the days were flying by. Myself both shy and waiting anxiously. One day with tension rising while sitting on a bench overlooking the river he turned to me “may I kiss you?” The sweetest most innocent kiss of my life never to be forgotten.

ANDREW

Sealed with a kiss a phrase that’ll haunt me until my demise.
“It’s just a kiss,” I thought to myself. “What harm could that do.”
Little did I know I had a sealed a pact with She Who Must not be Named an entity as ancient as she is evil from a distance and dimension unfathomable to most men.
I kissed her for that age ole’ reason. She must’ve taught the sirens their tricks for she is the first of all evil seducers.
“‘Paradise’ indeed… Meatloaf mate`” I mused.
A kiss for the abyss was what it was. It came.

RUSSELL

I don’t date goth girls anymore, and here’s why.
We sat on the couch. She was dressed entirely in black, of course, with her face whited-out, wearing enough eyeliner to sink a battleship.
It didn’t matter, I wanted her–bad, and had been getting nowhere for weeks, now.
I decided to go old-school this time. “Give me, a kiss to build a dream on,” I sang.
It worked.
She leaned in close, put her mouth to mine, and ripped half of my lower lip off with her teeth.
I can’t fault her logic. A nightmare is a dream, after all.

RAHEL

Romeo likes my elbow for some reason. Well, not exactly the elbow–the area just above it. He likes to kiss it for minutes at a time.
I really don’t understand why, but I love Romeo, so I let him do it as much as he wants. Only at appropriate times, of course.
Sometimes the skin above my elbow is red and raw, as though it had been wiped repeatedly with damp sandpaper.
Well, in a way it has.
Yes, I keep on putting up with it. What else can I do? Oh, the things we do for our cats.

ELISSON

Mortimer knew he was dying.
He had traveled to the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa to spread the Lord’s Good News. He had started a school and, later, opened a hospital that offered rudimentary health care to the impoverished natives of his village.
Rudimentary, indeed. They could do nothing there to save him.
He had hit the trifecta, coming down with amoebic dysentery, a monster tapeworm, and, finally, a raging case of cholera that had sapped his last reserves.
To die in your sleep is God’s kiss, Mortimer thought, ruefully.
But to shit yourself to death is God’s Hershey’s kiss.

K-NINE

007 struggled against his restraints until he saw the door handle turn. Into the room slipped Vod Kanockers, a Bulgarian double agent.
“I’m here to help end this” she whispered.
Bond could feel her hot breath as she loosened the ropes holding him to the chair.
She untied him and said, “I know where the remote device is, I’ll take you there, but first…”
Their lips met passionately.
Bond pulled away, “Let’s go.”
Suddenly the room blurred. “What… Why?” he implored.
“That’s for giving my sister the clap, you bastard”
10 seconds later part of London disappeared in a flash.

BROTHER OSRIC

We’re getting out of the car and heading toward her side porch. Side porch, that’s a good sign, right? Her parents won’t be looking out that way.
Good restaurant–sure cost enough–and great movie. It’s gotta be worth more than a handshake, right? Although the feel of her hands, cool, not sweaty… wish I could say the same…
Crossing the grass… Aw, man, I didn’t know they had a dog…
Up the steps…don’t scrape the shoe, that’s not cool, pretend nothing happened…
The porch light went on! Crap. That tears it…
“Motion sensor,” she says, an– mmmmmmmph!
Heaven.

PLANET Z

Prince Charming got word of fresh meat in the forest and hopped on his horse.
He arrived in the clearing, where Snow White’s crystal coffin rested.
What a nice piece of ass, he thought. He liked brunettes.
Too bad about the ugly dress, though.
Not that she’ll be wearing it long.
Charming mumbled the enchantments and felt his lips tingle.
One kiss, and she’d be back to life. Good as new.
And ready to fuck.
Sadly, the spell was temporary. And only worked once on any particular corpse.
Too bad. This one would be worth screwing five or six times.


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album.)

The Heeling Power Of Prayer

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A few months ago, Wally lost his arm in a car crash.
The doctors tried to sew it back on, but it turned gangrenous and they had to cut it off again.
Since medicine wouldn’t give him his arm back, he turned to religion.
So Wally prayed for a miracle, but his arm never grew back.
Frustrated, he went to his church and asked his priest.
“Why won’t my arm grow back?” yelled Wally. “I keep praying, but God doesn’t answer.”
“God can’t hear you because you’re doing it wrong,” said the priest. “It takes two hands to pray, stupid.”

The Scurvy Dog

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“Stowaway! Stowaway!”
“Grab the landlubber!” shouted the Captain. “Make him walk the plank!”
The crew grabbed the man and the First Mate slid the plank out, but it fell overboard and floated away.
“Well, shiver me timbers,” said the Captain, “What will we make him walk now?”
“We could make him walk the dog,” said the First Mate.
“Yarr,” said the Captain, releasing the stowaway and handing him a plastic bag. “Be sure to pick up all the dog crap.”
“Why?” asked the stowaway.
“We don’t want this to turn into a poop deck, you see,” said the First Mate.

Last Gasp

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Atlanta is in mourning upon hearing the tragic news that Gasper, one of the Georgia
Aquarium’s celebrated beluga whales and a favorite among visitors, has been euthanized.
Gasper had been suffering from osteomyelitis, a bone infection, and his condition had
deteriorated in the past several weeks.
“We rescued Gasper knowing that he was seriously ill, but were hopeful that we might have
been able to save him,” said Bernie Marcus, Georgia Aquarium benefactor and chairman of
the board.
In related news, the Georgia Aquarium today announced plans to build a 50,000-gallon
capacity toilet bowl to facilitate disposal of the remains.

Vanilla

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It’s another twisted bit of verse from out old friend Caleb Bullen from the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast

I’m growing bored with bondage
And sodomy’s the same
I’m not wishing for submission
That’s such a tired game.
I need to find a new kink
To keep me in the pink
Vanilla, vanilla my new kink is vanilla
From Kurachi to Manilla the brand new thing
Is vanilla
It’s the best form of rebellion
To stop being such a hellion
It has filled in all I lack
To give away my leathers black
When you’re bored with whips and being scary
Why not try it missionary
When you’re tired of dressing like a guerrilla
Try the new kink
Vanilla

Party Time

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First, it was the rope. Damn thing was dry as dust and broke clean in half. We ended up using that bungee cord stuff.
Then there were the crosses. Nails kept falling out of the wood and all we had was sticks.
They wouldn’t burn, either. Wood was wet all the way through, so the kerosene wouldn’t catch.
We did manage to start a fire, though. Some kerosene got splashed Grand Kleagle’s robe at some point, and that bastard is in the burn ward now.
I gotta tell you, it was the worst goddamned lynching party I’ve ever been too.

Happy Coup Year

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I gotta tell you, it’s good to be king.
Man, what a party last night. Whole country was out saying goodbye to the old year and ringing in the new year.
Of course, those party-pooper rebels had to shoot up the decorations and my security guards.
Why do people insist on firing guns on New Years? Don’t they know that people get hurt that way?
It didn’t last long. My troops overwhelmed the guerrillas and they’re now in jail.
All I need to do is…
Ha ha ha… caught myself dating a death warrant with 2006.
Happy New Year, everyone.

Christmas Story

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When I was ten, I wanted a Red Ryder for Christmas.
Miss Shields made us write a Christmas theme. I wrote five pages on the glories of the Red Ryder. She gave me a C, said I’d put my eye out.
Santa Claus at Higbee’s Department Store? Same thing.
For weeks, I dropped “subtle” hints around the house. Must’ve driven Schwartz, Flick, and Kissel nuts at school. I was obsessed.
But when Christmas came, I got it!
Of course, within ten minutes, I had put my eye out. But I loved my Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Icepick.

Existential Ants

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Caleb Bullen of the Black Tie Martini Club gets metaphysical with the arthropods today…

The ant colony at the end of the driveway prayed to Billy for mercy. But Billy stomped on any ants he saw on his way to school.
The ant colony at the bus stop also prayed to Billy because he regularly dropped whatever unfinished snack he couldn’t take on the schoolbus.
One colony knew that their god loved them and regularly answered their prayers with mana from heaven while the other resigned themselves to the knowledge that Billy’s plan is mysterious and ultimately good.
When Billy went to his Uncle’s farm during Summer Vacations, both colonies felt abandoned until September.