George and the porn stars

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Once, he came across a yacht full of adult film stars, laying around naked in sleazy poses, and a photographer was snapping photos.
George demanded all of their gold, jewelry and money.
“Oh, this jewelry’s fake,” said the photographer. “But that’s a nice ship you’ve got there. Maybe the girls could dress up as pirates for a photoshoot?”
George agreed, and they included him in some of the photos.
Pretty soon, George’s ship became a party hotspot.
Most importantly, the models and porn stars brought real jewelry to steal.

George the wedding planner

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates would select another pirate to act as a wife.
Becuase, you know, being out at sea for long periods of time and all.
George didn’t have a pirate wife, but it wasn’t because he was a homophobe or anything.
He was too busy planning weddings for all the other pirates.
He got himself ordained as a minister and set up a catering service.
Things went well for a while, until the pirate divorces started.
George shouldn’t have included a lifetime warranty and money back guarantee, I guess.

George the trainer

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, of course, he ended up as the ship’s trainer.
George trained all of the new recruits on safety and basic tasks, like how to make their bunk.
“You’re doing a lousy job, George,” said the captain.
“But I’ve trained a hundred men!” said George.
“Only because most of them died in their unmade bunks,” said the captain. “We keep having to recruit more.”
The captain ordered another pirate to train George.
The trainer died in his unmade bunk.
“Oh, just swab the fucking deck, George,” growled the captain.

George the translator

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he was fairly useless in raids and battles, he found himself serving the crew in other capacities.
Mostly, he served as a translator for the crew so their enemies or hostages had an accurate version of what they were saying.
“Guts for garters? said George. “The captain’s kinda angry.”
George drew diagrams for things like Davy Jones’s Locker, and he’d worked up a functional shoebox diorama that demonstrated keelhauling.
George pulled the string to drag a doll across the ship’s hull.
“Brilliant,” said the hostages. “That explains everything.”

George feels good to be back

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a very bad month of piracy, George had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for broken pirates.
He attended pirate group therapy, did pirate yoga, and made pirate maps with fingerpaint and crayons.
The nurses, doctors, and therapists worked with George, and he was eventually deemed fit for duty again.
“Welcome back, George,” said the captain.
“It’s good to be back,” said George.
George put on his hat, strapped on his sword belt, picked up a map, and swabbed the deck. “Good to be back.”

George and Future George

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while leaning on his mop and looking out over the ocean of clouds, there was a flash of light.
Standing there was George, a little bit older, fancy clothes, nicely trimmed beard, and a captain’s hat.
In his hands was a silver box with lights and buttons.
“Things will get better,” said the older George.
The younger George was surprised, stumbling and dropping his mop, and he knocked the older George over the railing.
George picked up the box, shrugged, and went back to watching the clouds.

George and the tambourine man

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When a man with a tambourine came aboard on a jingle jangle morning, George asked him to play a song.
The tambourine man smiled, and took George on a trip with his magic swirling ship.
Stripping George of his senses, hands too numb to hold the ropes.
Sailing across the sky, the sun, leaving a trail of smoke rings.
They danced beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.
George came to his senses on a beach.
“Hello?” shouted George, but there was no answer but the wind.

George passes the salt

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When other pirates asked him to pass the salt, George wouldn’t pass them the salt.
“Didn’t you get one of those plastic dinnerware packets with salt and pepper?” asked George.
The other pirate would say something like “I always throw those out” or “I eat with my hands” or something like that.
So, George would end up having to pass the salt.
It wasn’t Sodium Chloride, though.
It was… well, George couldn’t remember what the Apothecary had called it.
But the coroner would probably figure out what it was.

George’s thoughts and prayers

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of accidents.
One of them put the captain in the hospital with a broken leg.
George visited him there every day.
“You’re in our thoughts and prayers,” George said.
The First Mate prayed for the captain to die so he could become captain.
The cabin boy thought about escaping. And he prayed for freedom.
George, well, he tended not to think much about things.
Which is why he made a lot of mistakes and caused a lot of accidents.

George in the drive-through

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was a genius compared to the dimwits at the drive-through.
George pulled the ship up to the speaker, lowering sails and dropping anchor.
He assumed that the noise was someone trying to say “Can I take your order?”
George read the list he’d gotten from his crewmates, but the speaker kept interrupting him.
“Can’t I just pull up and give you this list?”
More static barely resembling human speech.
George pulled up anyway, and handed over the list.
“Next time, we order Uber Eats,” said the captain.