Category: My stories

Unmentionables

803075

It is rude to make mention of one’s unmentionables.
This creates a rather interesting dilemma: what is an unmentionable?
If you cannot mention then, then how does one know what not to mention?
I heard about a Downtown club where they’d mention the unmentionables.
Knock twice, then once, and then three times.
The password is “They forgot to mention it to me.”
The cops used to raid the place all the time, but these days they just collect a bribe and move on.
It’s hardly worth mentioning, really.
Perhaps that’s why the unmentionables are unmentionable.
Forget I ever mentioned them.

The Great Deal

803071

Five billion Zimbabwean dollars sounds like a great deal of money, but it’s worthless.
Due to hyperinflation and three devaluations, what was once on parity with the American dollar became worth just one trillion trillionth of a cent.
Since printing and reprinting that money was impossible, the Zimbabweans went electronic with all payments.
Never mind that many Zimbabweans don’t have access to electricity. And by the time everybody’s pile of paper moved over to the e-banking system, the digit limit was reached and all accounts rolled over.
Now, they use American dollars.
(Which will one day do the same thing.)

Constructive

798054

We try to focus on constructive criticism in these sessions, Robert.
What’s constructive criticism?
Well, making spelling corrections in somebody’s stories, for one. Or suggesting better words that fit the context.
Dropping your pants and taking a dump on their manuscripts is not constructive criticism.
Nor is throwing your chair and screaming “Shut the fuck up, asshole!” when you don’t like someone’s piece.
What? You actually liked their work?
Then why did you do those horrible things?
Just because?
There’s such a thing as positive criticism, too. And crapping on something or beating someone with a chair still isn’t constructive.

Forget about the dragons

798066

It is illegal to slay a dragon. Even in self-defense.
Sure, there are no dragons in England anymore, but the law is the law, and it’s still illegal to slay dragons.
So when HM Revenue saw “Dragonslayer” on my return, I was picked up for questioning.
“Don’t you know that it’s illegal to slay dragons?” said the agent.
“There aren’t any dragons anymore,” I said. “There’s none left to slay.”
At that point, they handcuffed me and read me my rights.
“Why are you arresting me?” I said.
“You just couldn’t stop, could you?” they said. “You killed them all!”

Round, sort of

796801

It looks round, but in reality its a little squashed at the top and bottom.
Okay, so there’s no top or bottom on a round object, but we’re defining them based on its rotational axis.
Even though it’s round to your eyestalks and mine, sensors are what the Chief Ambassador relies on, and that’s saying it’s not round.
“The rule is for ignoring asteroids and rocky moons,” I protested. “This is the first planet we’ve found that’s inhabited in our survey sweep.”
“A rule’s a rule,” said the Chief Ambassador. “Let’s move on.”
We set course, and leave Earth behind.

Teaspoon

802438

The aliens don’t like water.
And for good reason. All it takes is just a little water to kill them. A teaspoon.
Walking around outside without an environment suit is like torture.
This is why it’s so important to keep them under guard around the clock.
People can be such jerks.
Tearing off a suit, knocking an alien into the water.
The worst was when some joker hacked the fire suppression system in the alien embassy.
The United Nations buildings ignored fire codes, but not the embassy.
That’s how the war started… and the oceans, rivers and lakes slowly vanished.

Mother In Lawless

800566

The old woman with the gun is my mother-in-law.
But she’s more like a mother-in-lawless.
She breaks into banks with ease, breaking out of jail and nursing homes even easier.
We’re not a close family, but we’re kept under a close watch as hostages. Instead of knitting us sweaters, she keeps us tied up and gagged.
And I don’t drive the getaway car because I’m a part of her gang. I drive it because she’s a horrible driver and her license was revoked by the state.
I’m only doing it to save lives.
Now put the money in the sack.

Cobblestones

799934

Every night I mark the cobblestones with chalk.
When I wake up, the markings are scattered around the street.
Does someone wipe off the markings and add them in new places or shuffles around the stones?
I tried to set up a video camera, but it’s far too dark. No streetlamp.
I’ve also tried to sit on the steps and watch the street, but I can’t stay up as late as I used to. I fall asleep on the steps.
I wake up, and the chalk marks are gone.
And then, I see myself in the mirror… they’re on me.

Brick Fight

798889

Why are we throwing bricks at each other?
Because we were having a snowball fight, silly.
One guy decided to play dirty and packed a snowball around mud and threw it.
Mudballs suck.
Then, another guy packed snow around a brick.
Pretty soon, we were tossing bricks at each other.
Now that it’s May, you’d think the fight would be over because all the snow is gone.
But because we’re using bricks, the fight doesn’t have to end.
Maybe we’ll take a break and build some brickmen. Or build up our brickforts.
But that’s boring. Let’s bring on the bricks!

Grow Them Bigger

797222

“Close your eyes,” said the General. “And cover your ears.”
Seconds later, chunks of bloody, flaming Godzilla rained down on Tokyo.
The General uncovered his ears and opened his eyes.
And smiled.
People all over the city were cheering.
Getting the monster to eat the bomb without damaging it was a challenge.
Sticking pieces of the bomb in dead cow carcasses was the solution.
“They’re smart-assembly components,” said the General. “When they were all inside, they integrated and armed.”
After the cheering, bulldozers pushed Godzilla’s remains into the bay.
Where, slowly and painfully, they started to slide back together again…