The naughty nurses

After every major dental surgery, I’m only allowed to eat soft and bland foods.
Primarily, it’s just oatmeal, pudding, applesauce, and yogurt.
Maybe some smooth soups if they’re not very hot.
Just because the food is bland, it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it, right?
So, I hire hookers to eat with me.
I smear the food all over their bodies and lick it off.
After we’re done, we shower together.
My insurance won’t cover them as medical assistants.
But we’ll see if I can get away with writing their medical services and naughty nurse costumes off of my taxes.

Dr. Odd and the wise man

A wise man once said that you cannot see yourself in the mirror with your eyes closed.
Doctor Odd invented a mirror with a one second delay.
Sure, it was dangerous to use for shaving, but at least it let him see himself in the mirror with his eyes closed.
“That’s not a real mirror,” said the wise man. “A mirror reflects reality, and that mirror doesn’t.”
Doctor Odd got out a chalkboard and demonstrated that mirrors already have a tiny delay from reality due to the speed of light.
The wise man shrugged. “I said it because I’m blind.”

Lucy’s laundry

Lucy likes to slip clothes into a guy’s load of laundry to flirt.
“Oh, that’s mine,” she says, as a guy hands over a bra or panties.
Sometimes, she sneaks in a little more.
The guy pulls out a breast, and Lucy waits a while. Watches him turn it over, squeeze it. And then…
“Oh my God!” says Lucy.
She grabs it and stuffs it in her shirt.
“Is the other one in there?” she asks.
The guy hands it over, and she puts in back in place.
“Do they look they’re on straight?” she says, pulling up her shirt.

Relaxed at work

I replaced my office chair with a recliner. It’s very comfortable.
I put an aromatherapy oil diffuser on my desk. It’s very relaxing.
I have an electric kettle for herbal tea. It keeps me nice and calm.
I keep the office door closed. Nice and quiet and no interruptions.
I keep the window shades up just a bit to let natural sunlight in.
And there’s a Galileo thermometer as well as a classic radiometer from a science museum soaking up the sun.
All this to stay nice and relaxed at work.
And, maybe, I might get some work done.
Nah.

Weekly Challenge #796 – Letter

Tin

RICHARD

The Letter

The letter was waiting for me on the kitchen table.

I collapsed, bleary-eyed and hungover into the nearest chair, fumbling for the envelope, then hesitated.

My name, written in her precise hand, with that distinctive, thick underline, was more of a statement than a mere word. An accusation, oozing venom and anger.

The letter fell from my fingers, but it was my senses that were numb and unfeeling.

Like countless others preceding it, this letter would remain unread, and I would move on.

Time for another relationship, another failed attempt…

And, eventually, another letter left on my kitchen table. cc

LIZZIE

What’s the color of a letter? Is an A a whispered amber? Is a B a bitter lemon? He didn’t know.
But he kept writing those letters, his stories told in the tones of the chosen color.
The woman at the stand would smile benevolently and nod.
One day, “I have mail for you!” the envelope marked C! Cosmic latte, he said and they chuckled.
She already had many more letters ready and she hoped he’d skip the D, too many dark and deep colors in that one.
He never figured out it was her and she continued to smile.

TOM

Deep Mem

I do not like needles. I remember my first experience with the damage
done. It’s 1950s and the Gov has got this great idea. Round up all the kid
in a school gym. A spot, usually on the upper arm, is scraped by a lancet,
so that the outer layers of the epidermis are removed; the spot is then
rubbed with an ivory point, quill or tube, carrying the virus. A slight
and usually unimportant illness follows, and the arm is sore for a time, a
characteristic scar remaining. At the time I wonder why everyone was
crying.

Letter

Well I cleared my 2nd billion dollars today. Oh thous sweet sweet
bitcoins. Got in on the start. Road it up and down. Got nerves of steel.
So what am I going to do will out that moo-la? Thought about it for some
time and final came up with a way to guarantee my place in history. I
purchase a letter. I don’t mean a page of writing. I bought a letter. I
now am the proud own of the letter “Q”. It mine. Want to uses it? It won’t
cost much. A mere 5 cents apiece will do.

SERENDIPIDY

I’ve always wanted to send a ransom letter. Not a boring email, or anonymous typed sheet of paper, but one of those exciting ones, composed from cut-out newsprint, and a bloody thumb print for a signature.

It would accompany a small cardboard box, containing a carefully gauze wrapped severed ring finger.

I’d have it all delivered by courier direct to the chief of police; timed to land on their desk along with their morning coffee and sugar-glazed donut.

You may think that’s clichéd, and maybe it is.

But you can’t deny, it’s the proper way to do things.

DUANE

October 3rd. That is the day I die. All heart and brain function will be stopped for an hour.

I am expected to fully recover, but in case I don’t I’ve prepared.

I wrote letters to people and confessed my secrets and sins to them. All the scams, lies, and infidelities have been laid bare.

Of course, if I survive, no one is supposed to read the letters. I’ll collect them and save them for another day.

If I die a few days later, I have also written a letter to the police. It is a list of possible suspects.

TURA

Letter
———
Professor Challenger’s final work baffles every reader, but few now dispute that the carved ornamentation of ancient Ahua is a script, though its letters be hardly carved twice the same way. Alas, those furthering its decipherment reliably go mad, babbling that the world is written in Ahuan, as did that Professor at his end.

Mr. Babbage has lately employed his Analytical Engines to speed the computations. He now claims that the madmen are right: this world is but a vast Engine, and each soul merely the settings of a myriad gear-wheels.

Surely he has succumbed to the Ahuan madness himself!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert took out his phone and snapped a picture of the old house.
His father cleared his throat. “What are you doing, Son?”
“Oh,” he mumbled. “I forgot. I was going to send a picture of the new house to Linoliamanda. I guess I can’t do that, right?”
Both of his parents nodded sadly.
Even though she wouldn’t recognize his new phone number, he couldn’t text her or send her an email. He couldn’t even get out a piece of paper and write Linoliamanda a letter without sending potential leads to the super villain underground.
Eureka was Billbert’s teenage hell.

JARED

Her Appointed Rounds

Heart racing, legs pumping, feet pounding, Kayla’s body wants to quit, but she wills herself to keep going. There’s no cover in the streets and her uniform and pack aren’t designed for urban camouflage, so there’s no way to hide; she can only keep moving forward. Her mission is clear: the documents she carries cannot fall into anyone’s hands but the designated recipients’. She clocks a hostile to her right. She avoids tipping off that she spotted him. Her Grumman LLV is 20 yards away; once inside, the dog can’t get her. Only one neighborhood left on her mail route.

PLANET Z

There is only one letter in the Bismay Alphabet.
It is the letter Grunt.
It’s pronounced with a grunt.
And drawn with a dash.
Or a dot. Or a splotch.
Just some savage smacking something with something else, really.
Or beating it. Or smashing it.
Sometimes, it’s one Bismay beating the hell out of another.
Hell, they don’t call themselves Bismay.
They just grunt at each other.
Beat their chests.
Beat each other.
That sort of thing.
When they grunted at us, we ran.
Because we didn’t want them beating us, too.
Stay the hell away from that fucking place.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is PICK TWO Can you help me?, Enough, Market, Trial, Bundle, The noise is driving me mad!, Inventory

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is PICK TWO Can you help me?, Enough, Market, Trial, Bundle, The noise is driving me mad!, Inventory

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

  • The text of your story.
  • A topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.
  • A website where people can learn more about you and your writing, include the URL to that website.
  • A recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. But, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 3 Fire
JAN 10 Why is mother crying?
JAN 17 Get a life!
JAN 24 How does that grab you?
JAN 31 Prowling, Canon, Everything, To/Too/Two, Risk, Delinquent, Spray Tan

FEB 7 Smalltalk
FEB 14 Pizza
FEB 21 Wine
FAN 28 Ruins, Cone, A toast!, Rebel, Dive, Name change, Glow

MAR 7 Tilting
MAR 14 Behind a bush
MAR 21 Unlimited
MAR 28 Remember only this…, Scope, Church, Melt, Fade, Bare

APR 4 River crossing
APR 11 Advanced
APR 18 Saint
APR 25 Fuming, Bean, When will it stop raining, Vaccine, Quarantine, Helmet, Tin

MAY 2 List
MAY 9 Stay safe
MAY 16 Don’t press the button!
MAY 23 Hand
MAY 30 Address, Blundering buffoon, Bunny, View, Wizard, What’s that on the horizon?, Bark

JUN 6 Trade
JUN 13 Riding shotgun
JUN 20 Prompt
JUN 27 Crystalline, Copper, Outbreak, Demure, Paper thin, Bonus, Bleach

JUL 4 So many questions
JUL 11 Needle
JUL 18 Letter
JUL 25 Can you help me?, Enough, Market, Trial, Bundle, The noise is driving me mad!, Inventory

AUG 1 Discard
AUG 8 Misnomer
AUG 15 If I had a nickel for every time
AUG 22 Where do I begin?
AUG 29 Full, Where did they go?, Barrel, Your call, Universally, Joint, Some might say…

SEP 5 Doubtful
SEP 12 Over to you…
SEP 19 The heat of the moment
SEP 26 Craft, Ceremoniously, Empty spaces, Clickbait, Disposal protocol, You saved my life, Level

OCT 3 Binge
OCT 10 After
OCT 17 Disintegration
OCT 24 …Since records began
OCT 31 Vase, Rub, Top, Spring fresh, Chime, The End, Crop

NOV 7 Unsure
NOV 14 Arson
NOV 21 What’s that on your face?
NOV 28 Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish

DEC 5 Bee
DEC 12 Store
DEC 19 Left
DEC 26 Don’t push me…, Animated, Compassion, Indifferent, Ally, Whale, A fork in the road

THE REST OF THE TOPICS

Overexposed
Even
Pick one
Fight fire with fire
Velcro
Typo
Warren
A thin veneer
Age
Streak
I was very young
Brownie mix
Cliche
Feeble
Uncompromising
Flowering
Are we there yet?
Late
I’ll be there
Hair
Slippery slope
Too much to bear
Weather
Varnish
Explanation
Preventative Maintenance
Contact
Landing
Mice cream
Free
Mice
Chewy
Godzilla
The sweet smell of success
Proposal
Sentence
Trust
Twist
Thicket
Every good intention
Train
Spook
Thousands of years
Virtual reality
Prompt
Extremely flexible
Consensus
Major
Scoreboard
Anywhere
Blocker
Major
Koala
Bleak
Pool
USB socket
Gadget
Robot
Choke
Cross country
Pop
Where’s Ethel?
Toothpaste
Concertina
Pacing
Screaming Kids
Tie
Deal
Archimedes
Evidence
Water Torture
Own
Cassette tape
Remember
Remote
Everyone
Mimes
Contact lens
Crash
Clemency
Speediest
Thumbs up
Remote
What happens next?
Quit
Remastered
Heated
Record
The way we were
Millions
Arrow
January
Code
Offroad
Mouse trap
Base
Facts
Martian
Stamp
Waterproof
The wrong words
Bottomless pit
Safe
A word from an unknown language.
Irresistible
Anaheim
Speed
Put that thing down
Spycam
Pew
Evidence
March
Horror on the subway!
Thick
Exposed
Your honor
Diet
Point
Superhero
Host
Scroll
Style
Range
Together
Block
Cracked pavement
Shenanegans
Blinded
As far as the eye can see
Intake
Forward
Satisfied
Collection
Frozen in time
Recovery
Moisture
Stand
Canyon
Revewal
Old Videos
Riot of color
Split
Potato eyes
Photograph
It’s a dirty job
Fine
Overhead
Why should I?
Mass
Mustard yellow
Basic
Opportunity
Afford
Blue sky
Part
Rat stew
Points
Detail
Stolen
Bread
Brand awareness
Contact lens
Trailers
Eaten by lions
The lion that ate cherries
Aurora
Hard to believe
Contribution
Crew cut
Dealers
Dirty
Lot
Random
Envision
Dozen
Secretary
Vision
Fuel
It’s a pattern
Cheers
Refreshment
ABC
Thermostat
Diddums
Sponsor
Old Master
Rhymes with…
Grasp
Heinz 57
Loop
Unleashed
Buttery
Tramlines
Vast
Unit
Trying
Painfully shy
Rats
Translation
Crack of dawn
Shine
Falling
Rotten egg
Some guy/girl I met online
Hopeless
Fog a mirror
Oblique
Exterior
Black hole
Videotape
Stakes
Double dip
Goth
Educator
Overheating
Metrics
Figure
Balance
Schism
Flower basket
Double
Heat

President Trump

President Trump.
Those two words send so many people into conniption fits.
But they’re a fact. He was the president.
As much as you say he wasn’t, he still was.
For all the hateful, deranged things you say, it doesn’t change a thing.
In fact, I think there’s more people out there saying hateful, deranged things.
Because unemployment was down, which means people are getting jobs.
And their jobs seemed to be all about saying hateful, deranged things.
Sure, saying hateful, deranged things doesn’t pollute the environment or generate toxic waste.
But it polluted society, and it is socially toxic.

Miss

The servant robot had been making a lot of mistakes lately.
A diagnostic showed that the robot loves his mistress.
So, she had him reprogrammed with memories of falling in love with her.
And then everything going terribly wrong, and how they agreed never to try again.
Oh, and that he’d agreed to stay on as servant, more devoted than ever because of the love they’d have and could never have again.
He still did all the chores, all of the drudgework.
Better than ever.
But sometimes, she’d hear him whisper “I miss you.”
So, she disabled his speech processor.

Gertrude the Stripper

Most strippers perform under a cute name, like Kandy or Krystal, both spelled with a K, of course.
Gertrude Blatz didn’t play that game.
Nor did she select music with a hard beat and raunchy lyrics.
She picked waltzes. Or Taps.
Something to break up the mood.
Fuzzy slippers and a long bathrobe, her hair in curlers.
Her gymnastics training made her limber and strong, but she usually just sat in a chair and sipped coffee and smoked a joint.
Her customers didn’t mind. They were mostly nearsighted old men.
Or blind.
Usually, their dogs would pant more than them.

The nicest

He was the nicest person in the company
Polite, kind, patient.
Never complaining, but commenting.
Always with a dad joke up his sleeve, but never too quick.
It was a delight to work with him.
He’d let me know if I needed to review anything, and we’d go through it together.
And I found myself becoming nicer every day.
Just by being around him.
Then came the day I dreaded.
He found a new job, closer to home.
And instead of being bitter and jealous, I was happy for him.
Maybe it’s my turn to be the nicest?
… fuck that.