Christmas lawyers

Every time I hear someone say “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” I never hear from their lawyers.
People tend to just say that when they’re frustrated and know they’re wrong, but just want to intimidate you.
Lawyers never actually show up and do things.
Except this one time.
It was Christmas Eve, and there was a knock on the door.
Foolishly, I opened it.
And there were the lawyers.
They sang some wonderful Christmas carols at me.
Now, when people say I’ll be hearing from their lawyers! I say “I look forward to it.”
And make the figgy pudding.

Come to Jesus

I remember one manager who kept saying that we needed to have a “Come To Jesus” moment.
Never mind that I was Jewish.
So, I came to Jesus.
“Hi,” said Jesus.
“HI,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” said Jesus. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “But my boss is an asshole.”
“Try working for your father,” said Jesus.
So, I went back to my boss, quit my job, and went to work for my father’s company.
It totally sucked. And I quit that job too.
I went back to Jesus.
“I’m not very good with sarcasm,” said Jesus.

Chaplin’s Glue

Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.

Weekly Challenge #814 – What’s that on your face?

Gromblecakes

LIZZIE

The crow landed on the arm of the scarecrow.
“Well, I never,” thought the scarecrow.
The crow groomed himself and just sat there.
What on earth. They were supposed to be afraid of him.
A bit of wind made the crow flap the wings briefly.
This is really too much!
“Oh, what’s that on your face?” asked the crow.
What, what? The thing was talking!
“That’s so sweet. It’s a ladybird!”
A ladybird? Where, where?
The crow laughed. “You crossed your eyes!”
The scarecrow smiled.
“Friends? I promise not to eat the crops here.”
“Friends.”
And even the ladybird smiled.

RICHARD

Big Disgrace!

“What’s that on your face?” She asked, as I stumbled through the door.

“Oh my God, is it blood? What happened to you?”

It was a reasonable question: Bruised, bloodied and battered, my clothes in disarray, and stumbling over my own feet, I must have looked a state.

“I got mugged!”

She flung her arms around me, helped me into an armchair then poured me a large whisky.

My face hurt like hell, but my self-inflicted wounds were worth it.

The whisky would mask the booze on my breath, and she’d never notice the lipstick on my collar now!

DUANE

“Oh my god, Stan! What’s that on your face?”

“It’s No-Shave November, Linda. To grow awareness about cancer.”

“Nobody should see that. It’s going to scare small children and don’t you have another date with Ellen tonight?”

“Yeah, third date and you know what means. Oh, yeah!”

“Well, good luck with that on your face.”

Later that night…

“Dinner was wonderful Stan. Too bad it was raining. Or maybe not, huh? Let’s slip out of these wet clothes.”

“Ellen, you read my mind. Let’s just… Oh my god! What’s that?”

“What? Oh, come on silly, it’s No-Shave November!”

SERENDIPIDY

“And what’s that on your face, you evil little girl?”

“It’s a smirk, sir!”

Mr Johnson’s own face flushed so red I thought he might explode, which would have been a lot of fun, and delightfully messy, but unfortunately, he didn’t.

“It’s not a laughing matter!” He hissed, “I’ll be speaking to your parents about this.”

Good luck with that, I thought, he’d need a medium or an Ouija board to speak to either!

I couldn’t see what the big deal was: I’d only squished Milly, the school hamster, with my foot.

Maybe I should have squished Mr Johnson instead?

TURA

“What’s that on your face?”
———
Charlie woke up as usual one morning, but when he turned to his wife, she screamed in panic, “What’s that on your face?”

“What?” said Charlie, touching his face. Nothing seemed wrong, but by that time she had fled from the house without even dressing.

He looked in the bathroom mirror, but the glass fell off and shattered.

He got dressed and wandered outside. Everyone who saw him screamed and fled.

An approaching car suddenly accelerated towards him. The last thing he saw was the driver’s face, grimacing in terror.

So he never did discover what was on his face.

JARED

Never Underestimate a Good Editor

Few people have read Tolkein’s early drafts of The Hobbit. The versions of some iconic moments found there are quite different from what ended up in the published manuscript. Take the riddle contest between Bilbo and Golem in the tunnels of Goblin-town, for instance. Instead of Bilbo asking Gollum ‘What’s in my pocket?”, he points at Gollum, and asks “What’s that on your face?”

The scene ultimately still led to Bilbo winning the riddle battle, but had a lot more banal dialogue along the lines of ‘above your nose’, ‘below your eye’ and ‘no, no – the other side. Your left.’

NORVAL JOE

Billbert considered Sabrina’s words. She had said the weather witches wanted him in Eureka.
She asked, “What’s that on your face?”
Billbert wiped his lips. “What? Is there food on my mouth?”
Sabrina smiled now. “No. Not food. It’s the funny expression on your face. Why are you so surprised?”
Billbert shrugged. “You just said you and your fellow witches brought me here, to Eureka. I don’t know why you would want to do that.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sabrina asked. “You have something we want.”
Billbert shook his head. “Everything I had burned in the fire.”
Sabrina smiled. “Not everything.”

PLANET Z

“What’s that on your face?” said my doctor.
He took out a tissue and tried to wipe it off.
When your doctor doesn’t know what something is, you know you’re in trouble.
He took biopsies and made slides, but nothing about it made sense.
Referrals to experts and specialists amounted to nothing.
It didn’t get any bigger. Or smaller. Or deeper.
It stayed the same color, which was… well,,, I can’t describe it.
But it was there.
It resisted all measure of drugs.
Eventually, my doctor prescribed me some makeup to cover it up.
“That solves that,” he said.

The topic of the next weekly challenge is PICK TWO Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is PICK TWO Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

  • The text of your story.
  • A topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.
  • A website where people can learn more about you and your writing, include the URL to that website.
  • A recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. But, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 3 Fire
JAN 10 Why is mother crying?
JAN 17 Get a life!
JAN 24 How does that grab you?
JAN 31 Prowling, Canon, Everything, To/Too/Two, Risk, Delinquent, Spray Tan

FEB 7 Smalltalk
FEB 14 Pizza
FEB 21 Wine
FAN 28 Ruins, Cone, A toast!, Rebel, Dive, Name change, Glow

MAR 7 Tilting
MAR 14 Behind a bush
MAR 21 Unlimited
MAR 28 Remember only this…, Scope, Church, Melt, Fade, Bare

APR 4 River crossing
APR 11 Advanced
APR 18 Saint
APR 25 Fuming, Bean, When will it stop raining, Vaccine, Quarantine, Helmet, Tin

MAY 2 List
MAY 9 Stay safe
MAY 16 Don’t press the button!
MAY 23 Hand
MAY 30 Address, Blundering buffoon, Bunny, View, Wizard, What’s that on the horizon?, Bark

JUN 6 Trade
JUN 13 Riding shotgun
JUN 20 Prompt
JUN 27 Crystalline, Copper, Outbreak, Demure, Paper thin, Bonus, Bleach

JUL 4 So many questions
JUL 11 Needle
JUL 18 Letter
JUL 25 Can you help me?, Enough, Market, Trial, Bundle, The noise is driving me mad!, Inventory

AUG 1 Discard
AUG 8 Misnomer
AUG 15 If I had a nickel for every time
AUG 22 Where do I begin?
AUG 29 Full, Where did they go?, Barrel, Your call, Universally, Joint, Some might say…

SEP 5 Doubtful
SEP 12 Over to you…
SEP 19 The heat of the moment
SEP 26 Craft, Ceremoniously, Empty spaces, Clickbait, Disposal protocol, You saved my life, Level

OCT 3 Binge
OCT 10 After
OCT 17 Disintegration
OCT 24 …Since records began
OCT 31 Vase, Rub, Top, Spring fresh, Chime, The End, Crop

NOV 7 Unsure
NOV 14 Arson
NOV 21 What’s that on your face?
NOV 28 Square, Unexpected message, Formation, The door flew open, Fret, Prediction, Jelly fish

DEC 5 Bee
DEC 12 Store
DEC 19 Left
DEC 26 Don’t push me…, Animated, Compassion, Indifferent, Ally, Whale, A fork in the road

THE REST OF THE TOPICS

Overexposed
Even
Pick one
Fight fire with fire
Velcro
Typo
Warren
A thin veneer
Age
Streak
I was very young
Brownie mix
Cliché
Feeble
Uncompromising
Flowering
Are we there yet?
Late
I’ll be there
Hair
Slippery slope
Too much to bear
Weather
Varnish
Explanation
Preventative Maintenance
Contact
Landing
Mice cream
Free
Mice
Chewy
Godzilla
The sweet smell of success
Proposal
Sentence
Trust
Twist
Thicket
Every good intention
Train
Spook
Thousands of years
Virtual reality
Prompt
Extremely flexible
Consensus
Major
Scoreboard
Anywhere
Blocker
Major
Koala
Bleak
Pool
USB socket
Gadget
Robot
Choke
Cross country
Pop
Where’s Ethel?
Toothpaste
Concertina
Pacing
Screaming Kids
Tie
Deal
Archimedes
Evidence
Water Torture
Own
Cassette tape
Remember
Remote
Everyone
Mimes
Contact lens
Crash
Clemency
Speediest
Thumbs up
Remote
What happens next?
Quit
Remastered
Heated
Record
The way we were
Millions
Arrow
January
Code
Offroad
Mouse trap
Base
Facts
Martian
Stamp
Waterproof
The wrong words
Bottomless pit
Safe
A word from an unknown language.
Irresistible
Anaheim
Speed
Put that thing down
Spycam
Pew
Evidence
March
Horror on the subway!
Thick
Exposed
Your honor
Diet
Point
Superhero
Host
Scroll
Style
Range
Together
Block
Cracked pavement
Shenanigans
Blinded
As far as the eye can see
Intake
Forward
Satisfied
Collection
Frozen in time
Recovery
Moisture
Stand
Canyon
Reviewal
Old Videos
Riot of color
Split
Potato eyes
Photograph
It’s a dirty job
Fine
Overhead
Why should I?
Mass
Mustard yellow
Basic
Opportunity
Afford
Blue sky
Part
Rat stew
Points
Detail
Stolen
Bread
Brand awareness
Contact lens
Trailers
Eaten by lions
The lion that ate cherries
Aurora
Hard to believe
Contribution
Crew cut
Dealers
Dirty
Lot
Random
Envision
Dozen
Secretary
Vision
Fuel
It’s a pattern
Cheers
Refreshment
ABC
Thermostat
Diddums
Sponsor
Old Master
Rhymes with…
Grasp
Heinz 57
Loop
Unleashed
Buttery
Tramlines
Vast
Unit
Trying
Painfully shy
Rats
Translation
Crack of dawn
Shine
Falling
Rotten egg
Some guy/girl I met online
Hopeless
Fog a mirror
Oblique
Exterior
Black hole
Videotape
Stakes
Double dip
Goth
Educator
Overheating
Metrics
Figure
Balance
Schism
Flower basket
Double
Heat
Carrots
Rust
Wafer-thin
Creep
Pillows
Pester
Crack
Bookcase
Verdict
Sprint
Crisp
Vulgar
Pregnant
Position
Benefits
Car crash
Free gift
Long live The King
Hit
Scribble
France
Waterfall
Across
You’ll never believe…
Register
Stations
Urge
Infinitesimal
Scratch
Signal
Broken dreams
Arcade
Values
Total security
Train
Still
Officer down
Random Action
One two three…
Pure
You never know
Outsider
Has-beens
All our tomorrows
Express
In my hand
Expected
Cut and dried
Desiccation
Blocker
Blood is thicker than water
Shark
Plain
Spread
Semantics
Cheers
Pots and pans
Landslide
Fret
Crystal
Sponsor
Screen
Red wine
Pebbles
Shiny
A monkey’s wedding
Footlights
Listen
Birthday cake
Now and then
Cat’s pajamas
Rose
Role model
Beep
Curious

When life hands you… potatoes?

When life hands you lemons…
Well, life didn’t hand me lemons.
Life handed me potatoes.
Am I supposed to squeeze them and make potatoade?
Hell no. That sounds gross, potatoade.
Nobody wants that.
Maybe I’ll load my potato gun and fire it at them, the people who gave me potatoes.
Maybe I’ll make a potato-powered clock.
And count down the time until the next person gives me potatoes.
Or just a big potato battery, wires and nails in a long chain.
And the next time someone comes to give me potatoes, I’ll wire it to the doorknob.
Come on in!

Carvolo’s Muse

The museum’s latest acquisition, Carvolo’s Muse, was a mechanical doll.
Porcelain and silver, covering a wooden frame with gears and wires and springs.
Sitting on a mahogany bench at a masterfully lacquered piano.
You could shave yourself in that mirror shine.
A copper disk turned, gliding across pegs in her heart that caused the springs in her fingers to play Moonlight Sonata.
When finished, she’d wink and give the hint of a smile.
And begin again.
Carvolo was said to have made other disks, but only Moonlight Sonata survives.
When the museum’s craftsman finishes restoring her, maybe he’ll make more.

Trust is trust

Trust is measured in the weight on your heart if you betray that trust.
Burdens that others cannot carry alone, and need to share the load with you.
And so, you do.
You can’t forget that they trusted you with what they entrusted to you.
because, when you remember what has been entrusted, but not that it’s in trust, you’ve let it fall.
And you’ve failed them. So, you can’t forget.
Over time, it all piles up, everything and everyone.
Do not collapse under that weight.
Take it to your grave.
Without letting it drive you to an early one.

Barbershop quartets in the day of COVID

People are clamoring for businesses to reopen.
Nail salons, restaurants, and barber shops.
I must admit that I’m one of them.
No, I’m not one of those spoiled people wanting their hair cut and styled.
I buzzcut my own hair at home every week.
It’s the barbershop quartets I miss.
Sure, I could watch YouTube videos of them.
Or Zoom meetups.
But it’s something you need live.
Online isn’t the same.
The problem is, the masks mess with the vocal quality.
Sure, you could keep the singers six feet apart, but that messes with the harmonics.
And the visual appeal.

Stormy whether

When the weather’s nice, I like to work from home.
The problem is, the weather is rarely nice.
Either it’s too humid and hot in the summer or too rainy and cold in what passes for a winter here.
I try to remember to push the patio chairs under the table’s umbrella to keep the cushions dry, but sometimes I forget.
Or the rain comes down at an angle.
I really ought to buy some covers for the chair cushions.
But I have a cover for my chaise lounger, and I never use it.
I’ll just buy a spare cushion.