I bought some hamburger meat and buns at the store to make hamburgers for dinner.
We’ve already got cheese, mustard, and pickles at home.
I toasted the buns in the toaster while the burgers cooked in a skillet.
When the buns were ready, I put cheese and mustard on them, and then sliced up pickles to lay on top.
When the burgers were ready, I thought “I think I’ll add some mushrooms.”
I opened a can, dumped it in the pan, and splashed on red wine vinegar and butter.
Everything in life needs that “I think I’ll add mushrooms moment.”
The trouble with religion – no matter which brand – is the level of devotion demanded from those who choose to follow them.
You’re either spending time being charitable, or performing ritual obligations to honour your selected deity.
Those vague promises about the afterlife, eternity and absolution are all very well, but in the absence of proof, it’s a lot of embarrassing mucking about when you could be doing something more interesting.
So, I’m starting my own religion, and the only devotional act I require is that you fill the collection plate… After that, you can believe whatever you want!
He was devoted to his hobby and he had the best tools. He looked up. Days under the blazing sun hadn’t discouraged him. The pole had to be perfect for the challenge. It took him a while to accomplish his goal but he chopped it off. A blaze of sparkles scattered in all directions as the pole hit the sand.
“One more. Victory!”
What followed was a lot more impressive than a few sparkles. He didn’t even see it coming.
The military knew nothing while the media spent weeks debating if there had been any victims of that misguided bomb.
Billbert obviously didn’t know when to shut up. Though he could barely breathe through his constricted throat, he wheezed, “Marrissa clearly doesn’t have the devotion for you that you think you have for her, or she wouldn’t have asked to meet me at the dance.”
Tony blinked his eyes as if considering a possible response and then slugged Billbert in the stomach and pushed him backward onto the grass.
Billbert clutched his stomach and lay in the middle of the soccer field. He watched Tony turn and run to the busses in time to climb on before they drove away.
“That’s so touching”, people say, and I suppose there is something special about a little dog that sits with utter devotion at their owner’s graveside.
People stop and give me treats, blankets and food. The local newspaper even ran an article about me… ‘Faithful companion, even after death’.
I’m happy to let them think what they want, but at night, I sneak back to the warmth of my own kennel!
My vigil has nothing to do with devotion, love or loyalty.
I’m just waiting for the body to rot so I can make a decent meal of the old bugger!
Seek Now Reason Within These Walls –
In Matters of religious consistency do not expect satisfaction when questioning practice to purpose. As a child I was on mission to get my grandfather out of purgatory. To this end I took my entire piggy bank of change and dumped it in to the metal offering bank below the bank of tiny votive candles. Lit all of them. Next day I get call into the principal’s office. I get I through dressing down for nearly burning the church down. I said if you didn’t want them all lit why did pull so much out there. No reply to that.
The security cameras show the girl’s valet unit pushing her out of traffic before the truck destroyed it.
Is it possible for a robot to be devoted? Or is it just programming?
We reassembled the damaged valet’s memory core and installed it in another unit.
It booted up and greeted us, and asked to see the girl.
The girl ran up to the valet, hugged it, and thanked us for fixing her friend.
She seemed to be completely devoted to the valet.
So, we shut her down and began analyzing her memory core.
Devoted companion robots will make a fortune.
MAY 5 jack
MAY 12 slurp
MAY 19 zone
MAY 26 PICK TWO
stunted growth, bath, passive, pelt, atmosphere,nameless,tendency
JUN 2 surrounded
JUN 9 losing
JUN 16 logic
JUN 23 plot
JUN 30 PICK TWO
reason, discretion, zone, stunt, simple, deadwood, Tuba
JUL 7 current
JUN 14 devotion
JUL 21 peer
JUL 28 PICK TWO
alligator, bath, vindictive, caterwaul, mildred, bruises, That’s Life, mush
AUG 4 speed
AUG 11 lady
AUG 18 partners
AUG 25 PICK TWO
German, in the darkness…, vehicle, halfway, cute, color-coded, Pan
SEP 1 furrow
SEP 8 dresser
SEP 15 void
SEP 22 net
SEP 29 PICK TWO
void, intertwine, den, get, fudged, meltdown, Tan
OCT 6 smutty
OCT 13 sturdy
OCT 20 tool
OCT 27 PICK TWO
saucy, holidays, turtle, boom, cluster, chainsaw, Breast
NOV 3 boom
NOV 10 who cares?
NOV 17 option
NOV 24 PICK TWO
panel, acid, blaine, current, coma, stink, Taste
DEC 1 sassy
DEC 8 the F word
DEC 15 broken
DEC 22 throne
DEC 29 PICK TWO
probiotic, seventh, fletch, brown manilla envelope, mention, that’s what she said…, Support
NEXT YEAR’S TOPICS
pulled from the water
hop to it
do the needful
nobody gets out of here alive
Ted’s parents didn’t believe in the Boy Scouts.
So, when Ted was older and on his own, he got into scouting.
He learned how to identify all kinds of plants.
And he learned how to tie knots and start fires.
The Scouts didn’t recognize him, but Ted knew he’d done well.
He bought a bunch of sashes on eBay, tore out the stitching, and collected his badges that way.
Proudly wearing his full sash, he stood on his chair, tossed a rope over the crossbeam, and tied it off on the banister.
The knots all held his full body weight.
The day that the Supreme Court declared that gay marriage was now legal in all 50 states, many people proudly displayed rainbow flags, changed their social networking icons to rainbow colors, and professed that love won.
The Empire State Building, White House, and London Wheel were bathed in rainbow colors.
So was The Pentagon, but not by choice.
Thor and his Norse God friends picked that precise moment for invasion. They lowered the Rainbow Bridge from Valhalla to Midgard, and shouted VICTORY OR DEATH! battlecries as they rode their steeds down.
And promptly got shredded by machine-gun fire.
Tommy may have been the coward of the county, but Billy was the coward of the state.
Every time they met, it took a team of lawyers to figure out the jurisdiction issues.
A judge worked out a reasonable solution: Tommy was the coward of the county, but Billy could handle anything that crossed the county line.
This worked out well, until George was deemed the coward of the city. And the governor appointed Howard the coward of the state.
Pretty soon, cowards were constantly stumbling over other cowards.
The President wanted to intervene, but he was just too cowardly.
Since the last time I was on an airplane, I lost forty-five pounds.
I don’t need the seat upgrade anymore.
But I sure do miss the free drinks.
Oh, and the legroom. That’s always a plus.
Where else can you spend thirty bucks to get three more inches for a few hours?
I know for a fact that these blue pills give you less, and they don’t last as long.
Oh, and these upgraded seats have power outlets. Not just USB… the full outlet.
Uh oh. I forgot to charge my phone. I’d better plug in my charger before I…
Johnny made varsity.
Football? Baseball? Basketball?
No. Field hockey. Varsity field hockey.
Yes, I know it’s a girl’s sport, but Johnny’s kinda girly and small.
Still, he’s a feisty little shrimp, and he looks kinda cute in the knee socks and skirt, I suppose.
The other parents raised a huge stink over it with the school board, but it’s not like he’s in the girl’s locker room or showering with them.
No, he’s in the boy’s locker room. Peeking through a hole in the wall and watching his team mates in their locker room while they shower.
That’s my boy!
Tell my friends that I loved them.
Who are my friends?
Those who know that I loved them, know.
Those who don’t know that I loved them, it’s my fault for not telling them.
Those who think they know that I loved them, but I didn’t really love, it’s ok. Let them be. Nothing I can do about it now.
Those who hated me, well, let them. Let them enjoy my demise. It won’t last. Someone else will raise their hackles eventually.
And those I hate, well, they can just kiss my cold dead ass. Fuck them all.
The current state of affairs is grim. What did I do to deserve this. All I wanted was a little garden with a touch of originality. But that greenish tone. I hate it. It makes me want to puke. And those little ducks floating about in a neat little line make me want to kill them though they are fake ducks. I sit here and wonder. Could I paint this in black and fire the decorator?
“Honey, help me here. I’m not sure whether to go for a twisted branch or for a straight one. Just love the green tone!”
I’d always had aspirations to become a journalist, but dad was a baker, and his dad before him, and I had little choice other than to join the family business.
I did rather well. My prize winning fruit buns were known throughout the town, earning me recognition amongst the Master Bakers’ community, and eventually I was invited to become the Chief Master Baker and press spokesperson.
The Master Bakers’ principal organ of communication was a publication appallingly entitled, ‘A Pizza Cake’. Thankfully, in recognition of my services to baking, and to honour my excellent buns, it was renamed…
Your toe bone’s connected to your foot bone.
Your foot bone’s connected to your ankle bone.
Your ankle bone’s connected to your shin bone.
Your shin bone’s connected to your knee bone.
Your knee bone’s connected to the thigh bone.
The thigh bone’s connected to the hip bone.
The hip bone’s connected to the back bone.
Your back bone’s connected to your neck bone.
Your neck bone’s connected to your head bone.
And your head bone’s connected to four hundred volts of direct current, controlled by this one little switch.
Let’s see what happens when my finger connects with it!
Tony grabbed a handful of Billbert’s shirt in the middle of his chest and twisted his fist until the t-shirt tightened around his throat.
Billbert felt himself rising off the ground but not through any current use of his superpower.
Tony snarled. “Didn’t you hear me say that Marrissa is my girlfriend?”
Billbert wheezed through his constricted airway, “Are you sure she’s your current girlfriend? She said she wanted to meet me at the dance.”
Tony’s face darkened from pink to crimson to purple. “Do you currently wish to die a painful death, or would you rather just quietly disappear?”
The End Is Near-
He was truly a bad man. The family seated in the viewing room were awaiting his timely exited from this world. In a few moments major electrical current was going to stop the bastard’s heart. Dad doubted the fucker had a heart to stop. Mom just wanted him dead. I had some last minute reservations. Is a life for a life a … hell fry the guy! When they throw the switch his eyes show the tiniest expression of remorse then when blankly dead. They granted Dad one last kindness. He took a baseball bat and cave his head in.
It’s important to stay current with technology.
You don’t want to fall too far behind, or people won’t think you’re relevant.
And you don’t want to be too far ahead, or people will realize you’re a time traveler.
Of course, time travel is really far ahead.
So if they see you time travel, you’ll get all kinds of questions and problems.
Best to stay current with things.
Same with fashion, too.
One man’s anachronisms is another man’s trendsetting.
Although that might be how future fashions become fashions in the future.
You bring them back, people see them.
Setting a trend.