George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He ran afoul of the navy of King Minos, and was tossed into The Labyrinth.
“What’s that horrible smell?” muttered George.
The Minotaur, an evil human-bull hybrid, roared in George’s face.
“Ah, that’s what that smell is,” said George. “I think you could use a nice warm bath.”
George drew a bath for The Minotaur, setting out some scented candles and incense to set a relaxing mood.
The Minotaur got in the tub, relaxed, and heaved a deep sigh.
George picked up The Minotaur’s club and brained the beast.
Author: R.
George the expert
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Malcolm Gladwell says that if you spend ten thousand hours doing something, you’ll become an expert at it.
George thought that by spending ten thousand hours being a pirate, he’d become an expert at being a pirate.
But instead, by spending ten thousand hours of being a not very good pirate, he became an expert at being not a very good pirate.
George hunted down Malcolm Gladwell and confronted him.
Malcolm kicked George in the groin with an expert’s precision.
Apparently, Malcolm had spent ten thousand hours doing that.
George and Columbus
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of thinking only of treasure, he tried to show cultural sensitivity.
When he stopped three ships heading Westward, he assuming the man was Spanish because he was sailing under the Spanish flag.
“Scusi, my apologies,” said George. “So, about that whole ‘hand over your gold’ thing…”
When the captain said that he was seeking spices from India, George let him go.
A few months later, the same captain was sailing eastward with just a few aboriginal captives.
George felt bad for him that he didn’t get any spices.
George the crash test dummy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tended to crash his ship a lot.
Which is why the National Transportation and Safety Board hired George to crash-test ships.
“You’re the expert,” said the government agents. “We asked everyone on the high seas, and you’ve come highly recommended.”
“Well, thank you,” said George.
George took the wheel of a ship that was loaded with all kinds of monitors and sensors, and he steered it towards the rocks…
And completely missed the rocks, ramming into a ship where the government researchers and observers were watching the test.
George and his aching back
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He blamed chronic back pain for his problems, and he went from doctor to doctor seeking a cure for his debilitating ailment.
He ended up paying out of pocket for going outside the pirate union’s health network.
He turned to new age healers for relief, but they didn’t provide any solutions.
So, he tried to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs, which only worked for a while.
That’s when he thought to stop stashing his cutlass into his bedroll as he slept.
His back felt so much better.
George and the Germans
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So when German investors acquired the ship, George thought he’d be the first to get fired.
Instead, the Germans got rid of everyone else and replaced them with robots.
“We know what everybody else does,” said the ship’s new captain. “So, it was easy to replace them. But we can’t figure out exactly what you do.”
The Germans followed George around for a few days, taking notes, until George fell overboard.
The Germans fell overboard with him. And everyone drowned except George.
The old crew came back aboard, cheering.
Weekly Challenge #977 – Clinic
- Lisa
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Tom
- Planet Z
TOM
Hope Rises
They called it the clinic. The oldest would quip it use-to-be a department store. It mattered little because the medical corporation that ran it was long gone. And nothing matching that level of business structure was present north of the golden gate. We were on our own. The handful of providers that were able to scale down to the bone and still provide had a near saintly aura about them. My wife was the pillar that held it all together. When she spoke her truth people put their faith in her judgement. With little hope in sight the clinic is.
NORVAL JOE
After they had showered, dressed, and eaten breakfast, the three headed off to school, all wearing loosely fitting hoodies and blue jeans.
When Billbert and Sabrina turned onto the street toward the school, Linoliamanda continued across toward the hospital’s outpatient clinic.
“Mandi,” Billbert called. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to see my dad. I haven’t been to school in a week. I’m sure no one’s going to miss me,” she said and continued on.
Billbert waited and watched her go until Sabrina pulled on his gray sweatshirt. “Come on Billbert. Mindi’s right. I know that I won’t miss her.”
LISA
Breaking the Ice
Valentines Day. Traditionally a romantic day for couples everywhere. Sally and Bob both liked each other but got tongue tied whenever they met so had actually never spoken. Fate intervened. It was a special day at their Doctors Surgery too – the annual Mole and Wart Removal Clinic.
Most patients were treated in the waiting room and only more intimate areas were ‘done’ in a private room. So, skin tags were removed from necks, moles from bald heads and soon only Sally and Bob remained in the waiting room. They exchanged nervous glances before Sally stammered
“D’you fancy a coffee after?”
SERENDIPIDY
It’s known simply as ‘The Clinic’
Apparently the term is supposed to normalise the place and its purpose: Promote the idea that it’s really no different to taking a trip to the fertility clinic, the hair loss clinic or any one of a myriad of other medical specialisations.
They send you an appointment, and you pop in for a quick consultation with an expert.
There’s nothing particularly intimidating, scary or unusual about that.
Except this isn’t that sort of clinic.
When you check in to this clinic, you’re not going to be checking back out again.
Anyway… welcome, to Switzerland.
LIZZIE
The toy clinic was closed. What now? The child looked at her mother with anguish. The mother knocked at the door feverishly until a light came on. What is it, we’re closed. They knew, but… and the mother pointed at her child, a broken toy cradled in her arms. OK, let’s do this. And the toy was put back together, slowly, with care. Years later, the child, now an adult, heard someone knocking feverishly. She turned the light on and opened the door. Let’s do this. Everything will be OK. And another mother, another child, another toy could breathe again.
RICHARD
— Sample —
The call to come in to the clinic was unexpected. I had no idea why I was there because there were a range of problems I’d been seeing my doctor about for the past few months.
It must be connected with one of them, but the question was, what exactly?
Too busy to talk, a nurse ushered me into a room, thrust a plastic pot into my hand and told me to leave my sample at reception, then rushed off.
A sample? Of what? Urine, sperm, saliva, stool?
I filled the pot with the dregs of my coffee, and left.
PLANET Z
My doctor can be hard to set an appointment for sometimes, so I walk into the nearby urgent care clinic for minor things.
In and out, McHospital to the rescue.
My cat chewed up my leg and hand, and I was given antibiotics.
My fireplace rained soot into my eye, and I got eye drops and a tube of goop to wash it out.
Then there was the time I had chest pains.
They hooked me to an EKG and said my heart was fine, it was just a pinched nerve.
A pocket full of pills and a heating pad.
George makes an app
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He looked for reassurance among his crewmates, but they would rag on him and make him feel worse.
So, he turned to the Internet, and found it hard to connect with other pirates.
Tha’st when he developed his own app: Shiver Me Tinders.
All day long, pirates flicked through the profiles of other pirates and swiped left or right to vote on them.
Then, some hackers raided the user database and stole credit card numbers and passwords.
George was forced to issue refunds, apologies, and to walk the plank.
The singular George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When Elon Musk uploaded George’s consciousness to the Singularity, he became the virtual representation of a pirate.
Elon hadn’t bothered to render anything else, so the digital version of George floated around an empty landscape.
“Hello!” shouted George. “Is this Heaven?”
There was no response.
After a while, he became bored, and then went stark raving mad.
He slashed himself with his sword, but he was unable to cause himself injury.
George screamed for an end to his torment.
Elon turned down the volume and went out for coffee.
George’s hugs
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time he managed to do something right, he yelled “WHO WANTS A HUG?”
Nobody wanted a hug from George.
The last guy who got a hug from George, George forgot that he had a dagger in his hand, and he stabbed the guy in the back.
George realized that nobody wanted a hug, so he stopped offering them.
Instead, he would yell “YO, FIST BUMP, BRO!”
And, once again, he forgot to take the dagger out of his hand.
At least he paid for Lefty’s new steel hook.