- Lisa
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LISA
Opening Night
After centuries keeping marauders out the drawbridge was lifted and Castle Rock Hotel was finally open for business. The battle to turn the Castle into a hotel had been a long one and after extensive remodelling the Charm and character of a period property had been retained. It was so sympathetically modernised the National Trust heralded the project as a masterwork. They’d got rid of mice, woodworm and damp to ensure a warm welcome for guests. Doors, Floors and radiators had been silenced to ensure a good night’s sleep for its patrons so the first review hit hard: ‘Uncomfortable Pillows’.
RICHARD
— When You Gotta Go —
How would you like to go?
Personally, I’ve no interest in the usual boring ways. Forget the sudden heart attack, catastrophic stroke, or the Big C, those aren’t for me.
And let’s not go down the route of car accidents, or anything of that sort – just too messy… I want to be recognisable after I’m gone!
So, what does that leave us with?
A pillow over the face. And I trust that when the time comes, you’ll do the job?
If not, I guess I’ll resort to Plan B:
You’ll find me frozen solid one morning, naked in the snow.
LIZZIE
The rules are clear. No pillows, no napping, no jackets.
But it’s snowing.
Yes, so?!
So, it’s cold.
The root of the problem is that people are too squirmish; toughen up!
Toughen up, toughen up; my feet hurt, and besides, why no pillows?
Find your way to the castle.
And why no jackets?
Weapons, you could hide them.
And why no napping?
Because… all these questions.
Well, yes, you have a nice warm jacket; and the rules make no sense; the castle is in ruins.
OK, you can have a pillow.
You know what, get lost, you and your bloody rules.
SERENDIPIDY
Find yourself a good, young, fresh human being. Nice firm flesh, and without blemish, preferably still warm.
Pick a dark winter night to perform the ritual, somewhere bleak and remote and, at midnight under a full moon, bury them deep, naked in the snow.
Utter the prayer of making in the ancient language and perform the sacrifice, spilling blood upon the ground.
Then wait.
In the fullness of time, the corpse will begin to take root; drawing new energy from the fertile earth below.
And, come the spring thaw, you can plant your carrots there and have a bumper harvest!
TOM
Rath
Rath was a pheasant … wait he was a Peasant. And as peasant go an extraordinaire peasants. Wait he was extra at being ordinaire. Rath held Fidelity to his lord. Which ment he did the work and the lord got his daily bread out of the deal. So what did Rath get out of the deal. Well protection from hordes of housemen who used peasants for target practice. A serious plus there. E-ticket to tall castle; good. A system of rules set in stone for generations. One man got everything, one man not, because he who has the castle rules.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert flew to the Withybottom mansion. In the dark of night, it appeared like an abandoned castle in the Scottish wilds. Circling the building, he found a third-floor room with the lights on.
He peered through the window and saw Mandi sitting on the end of her bed, clutching a pillow. He tapped the glass.
Mandi jumped and ran to the window, opening it.
Billbert held onto the windowsill for balance.
She looked at Billberts hands. “You probably shouldn’t touch that. John has had me locked in my bedroom for a week, and I haven’t had access to a bathroom.”
PLANET Z
Mario laughed as the giant creature fell into the lava lake. All he had to do now is get the princess out and collect his reward. Except, the towns people said that the woman was not their princess. Their princess was actually in another castle. Mario growled. Then who the fuck is this bitch? He said. The towns people had no idea. Woman said that she was from a land pretty far away, and she’d need some money to get back home. Mario said he’d cover the ride, but it would cost her. She couldn’t shit straight for a week.