Category: My stories

The Tin Woodman wasn’t always made out of Tin. He started off made out of a woodsman. But he had broken the heart of a witch, and she cursed his ax to cut him up. Every time he cut something off, a friendly Tin Smith replaced it. After a few misgivings, he was entirely made out of Tin. He tried to kill the evil witch, but she had cursed the ax to not harm her. Fuck it, said the woodsman. And he bought a chainsaw. I should’ve been using this long ago. And chopped up the witch. Embrace technology, bitches.

Mother called herself an antique dealer, but the way she hunted for rural estate sales, I think vulture was the more appropriate label. She’d look in the paper for obituaries and addresses. Driving around, looking for the signs. Loading up her minivan with rustic things that yuppies would find quaint to pile on their bookshelves or mantles. A few restaurant chains hired her to decorate their stores. When she died, dozens of her fellow vultures circled the house waiting for the estate sale. I just threw everything out in the yard with no prices to watch them fight each other.

Lenny lived in a neighborhood with lots of walking paths and bike routes. He’d go for walks in the woods and along the golf course every day. He waved to the other people who are out walking or pushing strollers or walking their dogs or on their bikes. He never waved to the kids on scooters, golf carts, or e-bikes tearing along the paths, throwing their fast food trash into the grass. Sometimes he went out with a plastic bag to pick up the trash. There’d always be more. Just like the trash in the golf carts, scooters, and E-bikes.

The army has its humor. When George Rank and Henry File enlisted, the leadership saw an opportunity. So, they were promoted quickly. And despite their incompetence, they breezed through Officer Shool with a wink and a nod from the teachers and evaluators. 20 years later, Rank and File had stars on their shoulders. The joint chief of staff probably announced that the army was now in the hands of the rank-and-file. And due to their incompetence, the actual rank-and-file were decimated. And the country lost every war and battle it fought. Thank God for the Air Force bombing the enemy.

Living near an Air Force Base, occasionally you’ll hear a jet going by. And even though they’re not supposed to go sonic overland, but you still feel the occasional shudder or window rattle. That’s the sound of freedom, said the head librarian. Smiling. I nodded, handed over my card and she slid the book back to me. Then I heard aloud crash and the whole building shook. One of the fighters accidentally dropped a bomb and the shockwave took down City Hall. The aquarium in the kids section and shattered and books had fallen off of all of the shelves.

Charlie’s favorite pickup line was is heaven missing an angel because I’m seeing one right in front of me. When Michael the archangel went down to earth for a drink, the world had the misfortune of him going to the bar that Charlie frequented. Charlie was pretty well hammered at that point, and we all know how angels can be a bit Tilda Swinton in looks. Michael took offense, but Charlie was drunk and doubled down on his lechery. By the time God recalled Michael to heaven, half of Nebraska had been lain waste. Not that anyone could really tell.

Daisy loved watching the sunset over the water. So when her parents said they were moving from the Oregon coast to the Shores of North Carolina, she wept. But you’ll see sunrises over the ocean her parents said. You’ve never seen this before and I think you’ll like them. Try as she might, Daisy was a night person and could never get up early enough to watch the sunrise. So she tried another strategy, she drank coffee and tried to stay up late enough. Sure enough, she saw the sunrise. And it sucked. She cut her wrists on the beach.

100 years ago, launches were a huge spectacle. Crowds gathering in grandstands. People camping out for days outside the facility. Television and radio and newspapers covering every moment. Press conferences with the crew and the mission control staff. Nowadays, antigravity propulsion made things so much smoother. No more packing explosive gas in liquid form into leaky tanks. It was all contained in a superconducting module with years of flawless operation. And now that all the orbital space junk has been cleared out, there was no risk of another nasty collision with debris. All for tourists to weekend at the lunar base

Even when the big mart opened in Smallville, people still went to Earl’s pharmacy to get their prescriptions filled. Sure, he had to change, distributors and insurance plans changed over to the big Mart as a preferred provider, people still wanted to go to Earl. He never made mistakes, he worked things out with people who couldn’t afford their medicine, and he knew alternative ways to stay healthy that people actually used. He encouraged them during his walks or at the gym or the grocery store. The big Mart tried to buy Earl out. Then they burned his store down.

Smith was a beloved teacher at the high school, which made his dismissal all the more shocking. Rumors about him went around the town. He was taking care of his mother, so he didn’t leave town, and he showed up at the grocery or the pharmacy. But he never went anywhere else, especially the high school. The first year after his dismissal, when he went to the school to vote, the sheriff went with him. And didn’t talk to any of the teachers or students. After that, they say he voted absentee. But once again, just a rumor about him.