George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
For the Pirate Halloween Pumpkin Carving Contest, other pirates made spooky and scary jack-o-lanterns.
George made a cute fluffy kitten.
The ears moved and eyes blinked, and it mewed every few seconds.
“The heat from the candle powers that mechanism,” said George.
The notorious Blackbeard the Pirate was the contest judge, and he walked along the table, inspecting every entry.
When he got to George’s pumpkin, he looked it up and down, and from all around.
Then he picked it up, held it high…
And smashed it to bits.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George the Porgie
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The other pirates called him Georgie Porgie and sung the rhyme at him.
“Got any pudding and pie?” they taunted.
George checked his pockets. “No, but I have some tickets to The Cure concert tonight.”
The pirates cheered and George said he’d meet them at the concert.
But when they got there, George stood them up.
He pulled up the anchor and set sail for another town.
“Assholes,” mumbled George.
As he steered the ship, he took a bite of pie and enjoyed it with a can of pudding.
George and the treasure map
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship was overtaken by other pirates, George pretended to be a stowaway.
“Hi, I’m Jim,” said George, waving a piece of paper. “Have you got a lemon to reveal the secret ink on this treasure map?”
A one-legged pirate on a crutch hobbled over to George and snatched away the map.
“Aye, me hearties!” he shouted. “Fetch me a lemon!”
While the pirates searched for a lemon, George jumped in the lifeboat and escaped.
“It’s just a blank piece of paper,” he chuckled, and he rowed away.
George and the birds
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d sit on the beach, watching the shorebirds dig for grubs, running along the waves as the tide came in.
George skipped stones on the water, two or three skips before they’d plunk and vanish.
The birds were hesitant at first, but eventually, they got used to George skipping stones near them.
Then, George pegged a bird in the head, killing it. And other.
Plucked and roasted over a campfire, they kept him going for three days before the ship rescued him.
He swore he’d never fall overboard again.
George the Alchemist
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d heard about alchemists who spent their lives trying conduct bizarre rituals and experiments in the quest to transform various substances into Gold.
Some had managed to convince kings and queens to grant them funding and offices for their research.
George apprenticed himself to an alchemist, and after a few months, he learned the man’s secret:
Alchemy was a fraud. Just a way to make a living off of arrogant and greedy royalty.
“So be piracy, matey,” said George, drawing his cutlass. “I be taking ye grant money now.”
George gives a presentation
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, even with his lack of skill, he had plenty of experience on the high seas.
So he was always tapped to give a presentation at the annual global pirate conference.
George made a point to take the batteries out of his wireless microphone so nobody in the audience could hear.
He didn’t want to risk waking any of them up.
They’d all partied pretty hard the night before and were sleeping off their hangovers.
“Great presentation,” said the pirates afterwards.
“Thank you,” said George. “Back to the tavern?”
George bops people
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to bop people with anchors. He thought it was amusing.
The people whom George bopped with the anchors didn’t.
When they came to, that is. Quite a few didn’t, because getting bopped with an anchor tends to stave in skulls.
That’s somewhat deadly.
Then, their next-of-kin didn’t think it all that amusing, with the hassle of planning funerals and all that.
Unless, of course, they inherited a share of treasure from their recently-bopped relative.
Then, I’m sure the gold and silver helped then get over their grief.
George gets into a wreck
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was heading out of the harbor when a family in an old junk struck his ship.
George’s ship was fine, for the most part, but the old junk was badly damaged.
George felt bad that the man’s junk was damaged, but it was the junk that struck his ship, not the other way around.
Still, out of sympathy, he offered them a ride back to port.
The next day, the family’s lawyer came aboard to threaten George with a lawsuit.
Without sympathy, George made him walk the plank.
George on Columbus Day
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was constantly roped into an endless series of sidetracks and distractions.
Such as the time when he found himself joining a fleet of three Spanish ships heading Westward to India.
“Okay, Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria,” he said. “Now, which one’s the Pinta? I keep confusing it with the Santa Maria.”
The fleet never made it to India. They ended up wandering around the Caribbean, torturing and enslaving a bunch of natives.
George found it all rather brutish and uncivilized, and he went back to being a honest pirate.
George staff meetings
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting.
He’d go over important things and ask for input.
But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down.
Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead.
One pirate raised his hand. “Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?” he said.
“That’s an interesting thought,” said the captain. “Let me think about it while I reload.”
The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.