Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After Lieutenant Robert Maynard killed Blackbeard, the naval officer beheaded the famous pirate and hung the head from his sloop.
George dove into the water to recover Blackbeard’s body.
He rowed his rowboat as fast as he could, passing Maynard’s sloop, which had stalled in calm winds, and landed in port with an hour to spare.
“Here he is,” said George, dumping the body on the counter of the tax office. “Recognize the tattoos? I’ll take the reward in gold.”
Maynard arrived, just as the smiling George was leaving.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had allergies and other medical issues which made him barely fit for duty.
George tried to see his doctor about these problems, but being a pirate, he was always on the move, and it was hard to see his own doctor, let alone find a local doctor in his health network.
The rare times he’d get to see a doctor, his medical records would be delayed, and he’d have to start all over again.
And don’t get George started about picking up his prescriptions or getting them refilled.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got seasick at the drop of a hat.
And George dropped his hat a lot.
Sometimes, he threw up in his hat.
So, when nobody was looking, he’d try to swap his hat for someone else’s.
Pirates took to writing their names in their hats.
Although most didn’t know how to write or read, so they’d put an X in their hat.
George knew how to write and read, so he’d say “Oh, that X stands for George.”
And he’d take their hat.
And throw up in it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried his best, though.
When the other pirates needed help, he was the first to lend a hand.
But when George needed help, none of the others would lift a finger to help him.
Okay, so they may have lifted a finger, but not to help him.
In time, George got sullen. And bitter.
A new pirate showed up on the ship, and he asked George for help with something.
“Go fuck yourself,” said George, going back to his nap.
The captain shrugged. George was fitting in perfectly.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain assigned another pirate to sanity check everything that George did.
“Isn’t that term offensive?” said George. “It’s demeaning to the mentally ill.”
The other pirates laughed at George’s oversensitivity, until September 19th came around.
Port Royal was full of drunk cruise ship passengers on a day trip, shouting YAR! and SHIVER ME TIMBERS! and wearing eyepatches and waving plastic cutlasses around.
“We’re nothing like that!” said the crew. “That’s so offensive!”
They robbed the landlubbers, and went off and got drunk, and they waved their cutlasses around.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After three days stranded in the desert with no food or water, he was hallucinating pretty badly.
“All I need is a rope to pull my ship back to the water,” babbled George, stumbling over the sand.
George came across what he thought was a rope, but it turned out to be a snake.
“Good evening,” said the snake.
Whether it was the rope being a snake or the snake talking, it didn’t matter.
Startled, George beat the snake with a rock, ate it, and continued on his journey.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of spare ammunition, George brought extra food and wine.
He’d share them with the other pirates.
“So much better than hardtack and water,” they said. “Where did you get that?”
“I made it myself,” said George.
The pirates lobbied the captain to let George cater raids and battles.
Other pirate ships caught wind of George’s talents, and he ended up catering them, too. And navies. And merchants.
George built a fleet of catering ships. Nobody messed with them.
Because nobody wanted to go back to hardtack and water.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging and plundering, when it was a nice day, George just wanted to roam through fields of flowers or sit by the ocean and listen to the waves.
Surprisingly, instead of making George walk the plank, the captain agreed, and went with George.
So did the rest of the crew.
Word spread quickly. Other pirate crews walked off the job. Navy crews too.
Pretty soon everyone was enjoying a day off.
“Your plan worked,” the captain told George. “Now let’s go rob those other vessels!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was good at designing miniature golf courses.
He sketched out the plans on old maps, arranging treasure chests and sea serpents.
Every hole was marked with an X.
The last hole was an epic sea battle, with little dolls swinging on ropes and firing cannons.
“Where will you get the construction material for this?” said the captain.
Suddenly, the ship wrecked on an uncharted island.
George and the crew salvaged as much as they could.
“While guys build a shelter,” said George, “I’ll build the first hole.”