Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His captain asked him how the crew felt, and George conducted a poll.
“Your approval ratings are down,” said George.
“Maybe if we had a battle,” said the captain. “That always boosts approval ratings for politicians.”
So, the captain set course for the nearest ship and they fought it.
They won, but took heavy casualties.
George polled the crew again. And the numbers were even lower.
“But we won a battle!” said the captain.
“Yes,” said George. “But unlike the politicians, I polled the people who did the fighting.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the crew raided a slave ship heading for the Americas, George insisted that they free the slaves.
At first, the captain resisted the idea of letting a valuable cargo go, but in time George wore him down.
“Okay, fine,” said the captain. “But let’s be realistic… we can’t just release them in the middle of the ocean.”
“Then we’ll teach them how to be pirates,” said George happily.
And George taught them everything he knew.
It didn’t take long for the slave ship to sink without a trace.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“What kind of pirate was he?” asks someone from the audience.
The author thought about that for a minute.
He’d established that George wasn’t a very good pirate, so what did that make George?
Average? Below-average? Awful? Horrible?
Or did “very good” refer to his nature and character?
If George wasn’t very good, was he evil?
The author hadn’t meant to delve into ontology and the spiritual realm.
“George is just George,” he said. “Can I please continue?”
The audience agreed, but the author had run out of words.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate
Somewhere, he’d read about people hanging themselves to get more out of sexual pleasure.
So, George tied himself by the ankles to the boom and let himself dangle.
Then, he tried to lower his breeches. Which, him being upside-down, was kinda hard to do.
After a few minutes, he felt a warm stickiness hit him in the face.
“Blech,” said George. “That wasn’t enjoyable at all,”
The captain was tempted to say “That’s because you’re supposed to hang yourself from your neck.”
So, he did, and walked away smiling.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d been all over the world, and he’d seen some marvelous places.
He’d also seen some horrible and awful places. Total shitholes.
George preferred the marvelous and amazing places.
Because those places had a lot of stuff he could plunder loot.
There’s not much you can plunder from a shithole.
George felt guilty about it, and what he plundered from the marvelous places, he would give to the people in the shithole places.
They’d thank him, but ask if they could please get a ride away from that shithole.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He caused a lot of accidents, and the entire crew hated him.
So, why didn’t they get rid of him?
Because they weren’t much better than George.
They just did a better job of hiding incompetence and blunders than George did.
“It was George’s fault!” they’d say. “George did it.”
Everyone agreed to blame George for everything.
Cannon misfires, torn maps, bent swords, and lousy food.
It was always George’s fault.
And when George would make a mistake, he’d say “It’s George’s fault!” too.
Even though that was him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While he plundered towns, he always said “sir” or “madam.”
But when he said “sir” to a transgender woman while looting her store, he caught hell for it.
The local paper was filled with angry letters to the editor.
Picket lines surrounded the ship.
The captain sent George off to sensitivity training.
Several weeks later, George returned and issued a public apology.
The next time George pillaged that town, he called the transgender woman “madam.”
She smiled and nodded.
Then George bought a purse and looted her store again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
There’s only one way that a pirate can become a captain of a ship:
The crew needs to elect him as the next captain.
The problem is, you need to get rid of the current captain first.
Oh, you could push him overboard… call for a mutiny… poison his food…
George was treated well by his captain.
Who else would put up with George?
Which is why George was very careful to put up guard rails, quell any dissent, and taste-test the captain’s food.
He threw up a lot.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
For some reason, he couldn’t get the idea of “plug-in nuns” out of his head.
Why would he think of such a thing?
And were there nuns that ran on batteries, or nuns that you had to wind up or get started with a hand crank?
As George’s higher conscious functions obsessed on nuns, George’s subconscious and motor skills were left unimpeded, and he managed to get through the day without causing an accident, grievous injury, or some other calamity.
He never did sort out the whole nun thing.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
As he sat in his prison cell, awaiting execution, he looked into the cell next to his.
Calico Jack’s wife Anne Bonny and her friend, Mary Read.
Also slated for execution.
Well, that is, until Anne and Mary both claimed to be pregnant.
The court took mercy on them both, and ordered their release.
So, George tried the same tactic.
“How can you possibly be pregnant?” shouted the judge, throwing him back in his cell.
Before Mary’s release, George strangled her, took her clothes, and escaped under her pardon.