George at the Helm

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, the captain gave him plenty of opportunities to improve his skills.
“Take the wheel,” said the captain, walking away from the bridge.
So, George did. And after a while, he got the hang of steering the ship.
When he saw a bridge up ahead, he signaled and shouted for them to raise and let them pass.
The bridgekeeper didn’t signal back.
After five tries, George fired a warning shot and shouted angrily.
The bridgekeeper shouted back, “This isn’t a drawbridge!”
George steered hard right, and capsized the ship.

George Doesn’t Kill

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The first time he killed someone, he became sick to his stomach and threw up.
And he swore to never kill anybody ever again.
He’d shove people overboard, or throw a lasso around them.
At the very most, he’d wound them in the leg or the arm, somewhere non-life threatening.
But never kill. Never again.
So when the captain told him to make a prisoner walk the plank into shark-infested waters, well…
He did.
Because he wasn’t killing the prisoner. It was sharks biting the hell out of him.

George the Painter

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He painted them well enough, though.
I mean, when you take into account the deck tossing and turning in rough seas, the paintings still came out pretty good.
And these days, investors will run up the auction value of mediocre paintings.
Dealers rushed to the docks to fight over his artwork.
George’s art shows were extraordinary affairs.
His shipmates would raid and loot the gallery, and they’d rob the patrons.
“So lifelike!” exclaimed an afficianado, one hand on a wineglass, the other clutching a cutlass wound on his belly.

George the Author

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He know a lot of good pirates, though.
So, he talked to them, wrote a book, and claimed to be the utmost authority on pirates.
Except that his book was a complete fabrication.
Well, okay, the dates and events were real.
But George substituted his own name for each of the heroic pirates involved.
With each edition, George grew more bold, daring, wealthy, and famous.
Thankfully, nobody bought George’s book.
He’d appear at bookstores for signings, but nobody showed up.
Eventually, George gave up writing, and took up bowling.

George Turkel

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of raiding and pillaging, he would sit back and observe his shipmates.
Sometimes, he took out a tape deck and interviewed them about their life.
Or he’d interview the villagers that they’d just attacked and looted.
Sometimes, he’d talk to slaves. Or plantation owners.
Progressive and left-wing radio stations would play his interviews.
His books weren’t best-sellers, but they were popular among the disenfranchised and the marginal.
A champion of the common man, they called him.
Or was that Studs Terkel?
I get the two of them confused.

Weekly Challenge #750: PICK TWO: a new beginning, library, Ireland, storyteller, friends, home

Basket case

LIZZIE

The deal included shipping the stuff across the ocean and delivering it safely.
But the stuff wasn’t delivered.
“What’s going on? You don’t know where Hong Kong is?”
He got off the phone and… there it was, the ship. Empty.
“Where’s the stuff? It’s worth millions.”
No one knew.
Well, the source did. They were testing everyone’s loyalty.
Hong Kong didn’t like it.
Updated offer. “Incoming delivery. Free.”
A new crew had to be hired because heads were removed from their respective bodies and shipped back.
“Now, send us the stuff. Hong Kong has more brilliant ideas. Yes, we do.”

RICHARD

The Storyteller

The storyteller gazed at us in the firelight, smiled, and eased himself into a more comfortable position.

We waited expectantly, hoping that – just for once – he’d give us something decent, something with a different ending that didn’t have the dragon being defeated, the hero marrying the girl, and everybody living happily ever after.

But, as always, it wasn’t to be.

You see, our storyteller would simply recycle the same old tale, with the same characters and the same outcomes, time after time.

He would never give us a surprise ending…

Always the same old story, but with a new beginning.

SERENDIPIDY

My circle of friends like to get together for the occasional evening of board games, and being somewhat obsessive, we like to dress up and make things as realistic as possible.

So, for snakes and ladders, everyone brought candy snakes and wore laddered tights; for Monopoly, we all got blinged-up, smoked cigars and drank champagne; and for mousetrap, we ate cheese and played using sugar mice instead of counters.

This week, we’re playing Cluedo.

I won’t tell you who the victim’s going to be, but I’ve already prepared a hefty length of lead pipe, safely stashed in the library!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert realized, he didn’t like the old man. “What do you mean, Linoliamanda’s not important? She’s my only friend.”
The man didn’t gain any points when he said, “Consider it a chance to start over. Make new friends.”
Billbert headed toward the car and super villains.
“Where are you going?” his mother asked.
“I’m getting Linoliamanda and taking her home.”
Billbert dove forward and flew, skimming, inches above the asphalt of the parking lot. He circled around behind the villains, shot forward and scooped up Linoliamanda, carrying her quickly up into the air.
She hugged Billbert tightly and kissed him.

TOM

An Ireland Tale

I went to visit my ancestral home in Ireland. Story goes my Irish forefather were doctor to the Munster Kings. Not the TV family, the kickass warriors of central Ireland. It is so far south in Cork, you danm near fall off the island. Which is just what the structure was moving toward. What the home lacked in roof it made up in walls. Stone laced with thicket of berries. The berries were wining. Folk in the village said no had live on the land for nearly a century. Still is where I came from, but not likely where I will end.

RICK THOMAS

Ridin’ The Pine

98 years old, born in Hughesville … and would die here soon enough. Never really left.

Small town … mostly farmers …
back then … and now.

At 98 … friends, neighbors, most everyone you knew … dead and gone …

Life gets lonely.

Harry liked to sit in the park, and talk with whoever would stop to listen. And Harry’s stories made it worthwhile. Harry had a story for every street, store, and vacant lot in town … New most everyone’s grandparents …

… WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE KIDS!

Born for this …
Sitting on this wooden bench …
Telling these stories had always been his destiny.

A valued community treasure!

CALEDONIA

Seanchai Sunday
by Caledonia Skytower

Something rustled in the trees like an incantation – a voice pregnant with speech. “Who’s there,” I thought, rather than asked aloud.

“I’m here.” murmured a reply, “The news has reached me. It’s in the wind.”

I marveled at the instinct that triggered this message. “What news?”

“‘Not all those who wander are lost’ the poem says. Well, we have a place for you. Come home, and be welcomed.”

The storytellers speak of fresh starts. Library volumes add to their veracity. It was time.

So we did, and thanks to a friend, a new beginning rose on the dawn horizon.

PLANET Z

I remember my first library card.
It was paper with a metal piece with some kind code they’d crimp into the book slip.
Over time, they got barcodes and a magnetic strip and those RFID chips like credit cards.
In college, I used my student ID for that and my meal plan. More for my meal plan than the library, to be honest.
Now, I just sign in from home, and download a temporary digital book or movie.
I don’t even know where the library is anymore.
They need to keep some real books or computers or stuff somewhere, right?

The next topic is CAMP

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is camp

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Also, suggest a topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.

Do you have a website where people can learn more about you and your writing? Include the URL to that website.

Most importantly, include a recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. However, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 5 crunch
JAN 12 fake
JAN 19 shark
JAN 26 PICK TWO: pulled from the water, quirk, pride, ploy, goof, exposed

FEB 2 hankering
FEB 9 lapse
FEB 16 hot potato
FEB 23 PICK TWO: contest, hop to it, toys, pain, treading water, protect

MAR 1 tinfoil
MAR 8 gate
MAR 15 gulf
MAR 22 device
MAR 29 PICK TWO: to hell with the critics, selfie, jute, impossible, do the needful, icon

APRIL 5 not
APRIL 12 dendrite
APRIL 19 sanitize
APRIL 26 PICK TWO: ecology, rash, aberration, plinth, mnemonic, wrought

MAY 3 chemistry
MAY 10 nobody gets out of here alive
MAY 17 empowered
MAY 24 illuminate
MAY 31 PICK TWO: null, smartphone, audio, alternative, hot, seek

JUN 7 We apologise for the inconvenience
JUN 14 mushroom
JUN 21 what’s that on the radar?
JUN 28 PICK TWO: mass, trade, headache, pick me, It’s not you it’s me,

JUL 5 cleave
JUL 12 soar
JUL 19 powder
JUL 26 PICK TWO: case, chewable, grasshopper, signals from outer space, here be monsters, deadly

AUG 2 who’s blood is that?
AUG 9 beans
AUG 16 traitor
AUG 23 pick a card… any card!
AUG 30 PICK TWO: a new beginning, library, Ireland, storyteller, friends, home

SEP 6 camp
SEP 13 deploy
SEP 20 anchor
SEP 27 PICK TWO: indigo, anchor, shell, squeaky clean, jaw, amphibious

OCT 4 money
OCT 11 boxer
OCT 18 kitten
OCT 25 PICK TWO: piano, mongoose, tower, cartoon, evil, serve

NOV 1 revolution
NOV 8 plump
NOV 15 chainsaw
NOV 22 cluster
NOV 29 PICK TWO: reward, puppet, global, gear, shop, pit stop

DEC 6 still
DEC 13 pick one
DEC 20 fruitcake
DEC 27 PICK TWO: the hand that feeds you, scope, dresser, pit stop, quip, knave

FUTURE TOPICS
Fire
Why is mother crying?
Get a life!
How does that grab you?
Prowling
Canon
Everything
To/Too/Two
Risk
Delinquent
Spray Tan
Smalltalk
Pizza
Wine
Ruins
Cone
A toast!
Rebel
Dive
Name change
Glow
Tilting
Behind a bush
Unlimited
Remember only this…
Scope
Church
Melt
Fade
Bare
River crossing
Advanced
Saint
Fuming
Bean
When will it stop raining?
Vaccine
Quarrantine
Helmet
Tin
List
Stay safe
Don’t press the button!
Hand Who took the sunshine?
Address
Blundering buffoon
Bunny
View
Wizard
What’s that on the horizon?
Bark
Trade
Riding shotgun
Prompt
Crystalline
Copper
Outbreak
Demure
Paper thin
Bonus
Bleach
So many questions
Needle
Letter
Can you help me?
Enough
Market
Trial
Bundle
The noise is driving me mad!
Inventory
Discard
Misnomer
If I had a nickle for every time
Where do I begin?
Full
Where did they go?
Barrel
Your call
Universally
Joint
Some might say…
Doubtful
Over to you…
The heat of the moment
Craft
Ceremoniously
Empty spaces
Clickbait
Disposal protocol
You saved my life
Level
Binge
After
Disintegration
Vase
Rub
Top
Clear soup
Spring fresh
Chime
The End
Crop
…Since records began
Unsure
Arson
What’s that on your face?
Square
Unexpected message
Formation
The door flew open
Fret
Prediction
Jelly fish
… but seriously
Store
My idiot neighbour
Left
Don’t push me…
Animated
Compassionate
Indifferent
Ally
Whale
A fork in the road
Bee
Overexposed
Even
Pick one
Fight fire with fire
Velcro
Typo
Warren
A thin veneer
Age
Streak
I was very young
Brownie mix
Cliche
Feeble
Uncompromising
Flowering
Are we there yet?
Late
I’ll be there
Hair
Slippery slope
Too much to bear
Weather
Varnish
Explanation

George the Addict

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He did an awful lot of drugs.
This affected his balance, his judgment, and fine-motor skills.
Instead of helping with battles and plundering, he spent a lot of time sitting in his bunk and giggling.
Or he’d walk up to someone and say “Did you know that God spelled backwards is dog?”
And then he’d sit down and giggle some more.
The captain sent George to rehab a few times, but George would go back on the drugs again.
At least he knew where to score the best deals.

George the Greeting Card Writer

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wrote himself encouraging Post-It Notes, such as:
“BE THE BEST PIRATE YOU CAN BE!”
“THE SCURVY DOG GETS THE BONE!”
“A PIECE OF EIGHT IS NOTHING WITHOUT THE OTHER SEVEN PIECES!”
He stood at the mirror, practicing his menacing leers, and telling himself that he was a good pirate.
This didn’t change anything.
But George did get a side job of writing pirate greeting cards.
With every amputation and newly-installed peg leg, his shipmates also got one of his renowned Get Well Soon cards.
How nice of him.

George’s Website

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Not that you could tell that from his website: georgethepirate.net
It had a lot of animated GIFs and flashing text. Very 1996, if you ask me.
He wanted georgethepirate.com, but a domain squatter had snatched it up before he could buy it.
The Twitter account was gone, too. And the best he could get on Facebook was georgethepirate47.
Not that George had much use for social media.
He was out at sea a lot, and satellite Internet can be very expensive.
And pirate taverns rarely double as Internet cafes.