Stanley builds a working time machine

Stanley built a time machine in his basement.
A fully-functional, God’s-honest time machine.
All you had to do is plug it in, and it would work.
The problem is, there were no electrical outlets in Stanley’s basement.
And he didn’t have an extension cord long enough to reach from the kitchen to the basement.
He tried to daisy-chain all of his surge protectors, but they still didn’t reach.
So he went to the hardware store to get an extension cord.
And was killed by a drunk driver.
Stanley’s sister had the time machine dismantled and sent to the scrap yard.

Frankie H.

Frankie had a good thing going in his act.
He had the best writers, the audience in the palm of his hand as he threw gag after gag.
He played that audience like a conductor of an orchestra.
Everyone laughed.
But when they put him in movies, he fell flat.
No audience to play off of, no audience to show up.
If the crew laughed, he had to do another take.
Box office poison.
Defeated. Desperate.
Back to television? Back to the stage?
He watched as the crew tore down his posters, putting new ones up giving others top billing.

Freddy Sneezes

Freddy sneezed himself back in time.
It wasn’t by much. Just three minutes.
But still whenever he sneezed, he went back in time.
Little sniffles sent him back a few seconds.
A big blast, maybe an hour.
Whenever he caught cold, he went to Vegas.
Turning a few bucks of chips into a nice stack to cash out.
The casinos tried to prove he cheated, but their tapes showed all kinds of strange glitches and errors.
They couldn’t prove a damn thing.
So, they took him out back and shot him.
Dead men tell no tales.
And they don’t sneeze.

Are you a whore?

Customers don’t buy prostitutes.
They only rent them.
Pimps, on the other hand, buy prostitutes.
How they do it, well, this is no Julia Roberts fairy tale, folks.
And prostitutes who are owned will save up money to buy themselves out from under their pimps.
Not that many ever really get free, because of the drugs. Or the pimp taking their cash and killing them anyway.
Then there’s the independent contractors who work for organized brothels.
Those arrangements vary depending on the contract.
Healthcare, security, retirement plans.
Look at your job.
Look at your contract.
Are you a whore, too?

The King and the Black Eye

Before Broadway, Yul Brynner was a television director.
He did dramas for CBS. And he did them well, he did them his way.
CBS executives, being executives, wanted more.
And being executives, they ordered him to direct the Whats My Line? game show on Sunday night.
Yul hated it.
So, one night, he rolled the credits 4 minutes early.
And for the last three minutes, the camera showed Yul’s director credit while the audience clapped.
The executives relented, but they didn’t fire Yul.
He continued to direct his beloved television dramas, while doing 8 shows a week as The King.

Smoke and writers

Smoking came naturally to Bill.
He’d be writing a story, and then pause… and he’d need something in his hand and his mouth.
Gum? Carrot sticks? Celery?
No, only a cigarette would do.
He was a writer, after all, and that’s what writers do.
Take out the pack, open it, knock out a cigarette, put it in his mouth, ready for the lighter, and light it.
Maybe he sits there with it in his fingers, thinking.
Maybe he’s typing so much, he smokes it down to the filter.
Stubs it out, lights another one.
And keeps writing whatever he’s writing.

Weekly Challenge #819 – PICK TWO: Don’t push me…, Animated, Compassion, Indifferent, Ally, Whale, A fork in the road

Dirty girl

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 019

Normally I ( and I use that for your temporal reference) would let the sure mass of the narrative reveal what the hell is happening. Don’t have the time, little time entity joke, there. Normally Indifferent Compassion is how I roll. What animates my actions is whenever there is a fork in the road, I take it. My motto is Don’t push me, I’m the Whale, or was that the Walras, ooo pooka choo. Foe or Ally, you decide. Damn, that liquid blue will mess with one’s internal synapses. Back … To maintain a time bubble, you need maximum density. Did that help?

SERENDIPIDY

“Don’t push me!”

I turned to face the woman who had barged into me at the checkout and looked her straight in the eye.

“Just wait your turn, won’t you? You’ll get served when I’m done!”

Well, if looks could kill, I’d have been dead on the spot.

I returned to my shopping, taking all the time in the world, indifferent to her protests.

Outside, as I drove away from the store, I saw her. She gave me the middle finger and an evil stare.

Without any hesitation, I ran her down.

Barge into me, and I’ll barge right back!

TURA

Animated, Indifferent
———
Professor Proteus was indifferent among the many ideas that he lectured upon, yet always animated in his exposition. Whatever he spoke on, he was its most fervent advocate. Then he would take up an opposite idea and demolish his previous arguments. He could convince anyone of anything, then refute all that he had just said, then refute the refutations. His audience found themselves willy-nilly convinced by every successive turn. He could demonstrate the consistency of contradictions, and the inconsistency of tautologies.

He was eventually revealed to be a mouthpiece for an AI trained on the entire contents of the Internet.

RICHARD

Year’s end

Here we are, once again, standing amongst the dying embers of the year past, looking ahead to what the future might bring.

In many ways, it’s a completely arbitrary moment in time for decision-making – there’s nothing to prevent us from resolving where our destiny may lie, on any day of the year.

But tradition dictates that with the passing of each year, we face a fork in the road, and choose which route we will follow.

However, I’m rubbish at making resolutions.

And I’ll decide which direction to take, in my own good time.

So, don’t push me, OK?

LIZZIE

I am a good mother. I always knew what was good for you. But you never accepted what I said. I always pointed out your faults. That’s how you learn. I never praised you because that wouldn’t teach you anything. And that day when you wanted to hug me and I was horrified. A hug? Don’t push me. And you had that pathetic look on your face. I am a good mother. You came out alright, except for not accepting my orders. You were always stubborn. Now you’re indifferent. And we don’t talk. Yeah, it’s all your fault… your fault.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina and Billbert walked along a path through the forest. She carried the bag of freshly made caramel corn in her backpack.
The trees were so thick, blocking the starry sky above, if it hadn’t been for the weak flashlight they would have completely missed a fork in the road.
She put her hand on Billbert’s shoulder. “We go this way.”
Billbert shrugged off her hand. “Don’t push me.”
Sabrina’s smile looked evil in the yellow glow of the flashlight. “Billbert. I’m your friend. I want to help you be a better person. Come along. The ceremony is this way.”

PLANET Z

Early in the days of animation, when Gertie, Mickey, and Bosco and other crude noodle-armed figures ruled the cinema, Xavier Walton came up with Bertha The Whale.
All you could see of her was her eye and a few folds around it.
But Xavier was a master animator, and put a lot of expression and character in that eye.
He would stand on stage with props, run the film behind him, and they did an Vaudeville act together.
Bertha’s reactions to Xavier’s antics were priceless.
Then someone hidden above the stage would dump a bucket of water on his head.

The topic of the next Weekly Challenge is OVEREXPOSED

Hi there. This is Laurence Simon of the 100 Word Stories Podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

Every week, I post a topic for the Weekly Challenge, where you come up with the stories and I collect them up and share them.

Want to give it a try? The topic of the next 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge is OVEREXPOSED

Write a 100 word story on that topic. Then, send it in an email to isfullofcrap (at) gmail.com with the subject line of WEEKLY CHALLENGE.

Include the following:

  • The text of your story.
  • A topic or topics for future Weekly Challenges.
  • A website where people can learn more about you and your writing, include the URL to that website.
  • A recording of your story. Be sure to introduce yourself to the audience.

I put the episode together on Sunday morning. But, if you need more time, I can put your story up on the feed in a separate post.

Good luck, and as always… keep it brief.

JAN 2 Overexposed
JAN 9 Even
JAN 16 Pick one
JAN 23 Fight fire with fire
JAN 30 Velcro, Typo, Warren, A thin veneer, Age, Streak

FEB 6 I was very young
FEB 13 Brownie mix
FEB 20 Cliché
FEB 27 Feeble, Uncompromising, Flowering, Are we there yet?, Late, I’ll be there

MARCH 6 Hair
MARCH 13 Slippery slope
MARCH 20 Too much to bear
MARCH 27 Weather, Varnish, Explanation, Preventative Maintenance, Contact, Landing

APRIL 3 Mice cream
APRIL 10 Free
APRIL 17 Chewy
APRIL 24 Godzilla, The sweet smell of success, Proposal, Sentence, Trust, Twist

MAY 1 Thicket
MAY 8 Every good intention
MAY 15 Train
MAY 22 Spook
MAY 29 Thousands of years, Virtual reality, Prompt, Extremely flexible, Consensus, Major

JUNE 5 Scoreboard
JUNE 12 Anywhere
JUNE 19 Blocker
JUNE 26 Major, Koala, Bleak, Pool, USB socket, Gadget

JULY 3 Robot
JULY 10 Choke
JULY 17 Cross country
JULY 24 Pop
JULY 31 Where’s Ethel?, Toothpaste, Concertina, Pacing, Screaming Kids, Tie

AUG 7 Deal
AUG 14 Archimedes
AUG 21 Evidence
AUG 28 Water Torture, Own, Cassette tape, Remember, Remote, Everyone

SEP 4 Mimes
SEP 11 Contact lens
SEP 18 Crash
SEP 25 Clemency, Millions, Arrow, January, Code, Offroad

OCT 2 Speediest
OCT 9 Thumbs up
OCT 16 Remote
OCT 23 What happens next?
OCT 30 Quit, Mouse trap, Base, Facts, Martian, Stamp

NOV 6 Remastered
NOV 13 Heated
NOV 20 Record
NOV 27 The way we were, Waterproof, The wrong words, Bottomless pit, Safe, A word from an unknown language.

DEC 4 Irresistible
DEC 11 Anaheim
DEC 18 Speed
DEC 25 Put that thing down, Spycam, Pew, Evidence, March, Thick

Horror on the subway!
Exposed
Your honor
Diet
Point
Superhero
Host
Scroll
Style
Range
Together
Block
Cracked pavement
Shenanigans
Blinded
As far as the eye can see
Intake
Forward
Satisfied
Collection
Frozen in time
Recovery
Moisture
Stand
Canyon
Reviewal
Old Videos
Riot of color
Split
Potato eyes
Photograph
It’s a dirty job
Fine
Overhead
Why should I?
Mass
Mustard yellow
Basic
Opportunity
Afford
Blue sky
Part
Rat stew
Points
Detail
Stolen
Bread
Brand awareness
Contact lens
Trailers
Eaten by lions
The lion that ate cherries
Aurora
Hard to believe
Contribution
Crew cut
Dealers
Dirty
Lot
Random
Envision
Dozen
Secretary
Vision
Fuel
It’s a pattern
Cheers
Refreshment
ABC
Thermostat
Diddums
Sponsor
Old Master
Rhymes with…
Grasp
Heinz 57
Loop
Unleashed
Buttery
Tramlines
Vast
Unit
Trying
Painfully shy
Rats
Translation
Crack of dawn
Shine
Falling
Rotten egg
Some guy/girl I met online
Hopeless
Fog a mirror
Oblique
Exterior
Black hole
Videotape
Stakes
Double dip
Goth
Educator
Overheating
Metrics
Figure
Balance
Schism
Flower basket
Double
Heat
Carrots
Rust
Wafer-thin
Creep
Pillows
Pester
Crack
Bookcase
Verdict
Sprint
Crisp
Vulgar
Pregnant
Position
Benefits
Car crash
Free gift
Long live The King
Hit
Scribble
France
Waterfall
Across
You’ll never believe…
Register
Stations
Urge
Infinitesimal
Scratch
Signal
Broken dreams
Arcade
Values
Total security
Train
Still
Officer down
Random Action
One two three…
Pure
You never know
Outsider
Has-beens
All our tomorrows
Express
In my hand
Expected
Cut and dried
Desiccation
Blocker
Blood is thicker than water
Shark
Plain
Spread
Semantics
Cheers
Pots and pans
Landslide
Fret
Crystal
Sponsor
Screen
Red wine
Pebbles
Shiny
A monkey’s wedding
Footlights
Listen
Birthday cake
Now and then
Cat’s pajamas
Rose
Role model
Beep
Curious
No annual contract
Conference
Ballet
Unsafe
Package
Icing on the cake
Wasp
Lost in translation
Incapable
Wish
Chainsaw
Too long
Full of
Finding
Banana split
Classical music
Throwaway
Flight
Once more, with passion!
Blood pressure
Engine
Roast

Easy to

I used to have a rolling laundry hamper, but it wore out and broke.
So, I bought a beach wagon.
The kind that people use to cart beer to the beach
I put two laundry baskets in it: One for whites, one for darks.
It’s easy to separate things as I put them in the baskets.
But it’s also easy to make things hard for myself.
After a few days, I throw everything in one basket.
And I sort them out on laundry day. Badly.
Invariably, a sock ends up with the colored stuff.
I should just buy colored socks.

For all the marbles

The virus came, and hasn’t left yet.
So, we stay apart, we keep our distance.
There’s no sports going on right now, so the sports stations are showing documentaries and repeats of classic games and matches.
And, of course, panel shows and interview shows… where the panelists and interviewers are in their homes, of course.
They’re even showing marble racing.
That’s where people set up elaborate tracks and challenges, with ramps and loops and other features, and they race and collide and roll along.
You could say that in finding marble racing, the sports stations have completely lost their marbles.