Category: My stories

Heaven 101

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The first few months in Heaven are anything but. It’s an Eternity when you’re in Halo Manners 101, learning the proper brightness, angle, circumference, and elevation of your halo.
Then there’s Flying School. You might think you’ve been flying forever, but they still need to teach you the Rules Of The Sky.
Unless you played a Lyre during your mortal days, not only do you get to learn fingering and strumming technique for a year, but also have to master tuning the darn thing.
Here in Hell, once you have your horns and pitchfork, you’re on your own.
Happy hunting!

Stay up late

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I’m up later than usual, sitting in my leather chair with a blanket over my legs.
Piper is purring under the blanket at my feet. Every now and then she chirps out a musical note and goes back to purring.
Nardo is under the rocking chair, tucked up with his eyes almost completely closed.
Both of them are waiting for me to go to bed. But there are some things I need to finish up before I can shut the computer down and crawl under the covers.
A few more words…
There. Finished.
Record it, post it, and good night.

Hedges

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Every day I wake up, I put on my robe and head for the center of the hedgemaze where servants have placed my medicine.
You’d think I could navigate in my sleep by now, but the hedges are mounted on special tracks of my own design, allowing them to be rearranged into new configurations and challenges.
Lawson the Mazemaster waits in the middle, sipping tea and reading my papers. The sooner I solve his creation, the less of my crosswords he’ll finish.
My butler hands me a sword. “Five minotaurs today,” he says.
Ah, medicine and exercise. My quest begins!

Lemons and Limes

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When I drink my iced tea, I like it with lemon.
I also like it with lime.
So, I keep a bag of lemons and limes handy. When I want tea, I close my eyes and pull something out of the bag. Then I squeeze it into my iced tea.
I’m never unhappy with my selection because I like lemons and limes equally.
One day, I reached in and pulled something out that wasn’t a lemon or a lime
It was an aborted fetus.
It wasn’t good in my tea at all.
But it was great with lemon. Or lime.

Not Dice

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Einstein said that God does not play dice with the universe, and I believe he’s right.
So for the past thirty years, I’ve been trying to determine exactly what game God does play with the universe.
Bouncing quarters in the Holy Grail?
Perhaps.
It wasn’t easy getting the research grants, but when the government doubted and withdrew support, private sources of funding kept the faith.
After all, what casino wouldn’t want to claim to have exclusive rights to the Divine Game. If they’re willing to build volcanoes, replicate cities, and buy holy grilled cheese sandwiches, why not this as well?

Angels on the radar

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By adjusting the sensitivity, power, angle, and reflectivity of a weather radar, you can detect some interesting things out in the heavens.
If you’re really good, you might even find signs of heaven itself.
Now, I won’t tell you the exact settings you need, but imagine the shock when I twiddled a few dials and came up with a squadron of angels sweeping over the land.
Or maybe they were ghosts. I’m not sure. I’ve still got a lot of research to do.
What Nobel Prize category should this be under? Do you think I have a shot at winning?

Chicken

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’ve spent my life trying to find the answer. It hasn’t been easy, considering that the government won’t give me a grant to research the issue fully. However, thanks to some generous contributions from the Tyson Corporation and Bo Pilgrim, I think I have the answer once and for all.
No, it’s not just about getting to the other side. It’s more.
I need to hurry up, though. Chickens are being slaughtered across the planet because of bird flu, and there may not be any left by the time my research is complete.

The Martyrdom of Saint Timothy

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Everybody agreed that the pizza should have pepperoni and sausage.
Except for Timothy. He insisted on mushrooms.
“How about mushrooms on half?” he asked.
“There’s five of us,” said Joe. “You getting half your way? No way.”
“Why don’t you just get a small mushroom pizza on your own?” asked Susan.
“No,” said Timothy. “I want mushrooms on half.”
That was the last straw.
Susan and Joe pinned Timothy’s arms to the table while Irwin poured hot lead into Timothy’s mouth.
Word of Timothy’s martyrdom spread throughout campus. He eventually became the Patron Saint Of Mushrooms.
Still, what a dumbass.

Old Man Winter

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On the last day of Winter, Old Man Winter loads up his magical ice sled and tours his Winter Wonderland for the final time.
A team of gigantic penguins pulls the mighty icicle chariot through the sky, and Old Man Winter scowls through his frosty beard at the melting snow.
Northern zephyrs rush past his ears, roaring their last.
That’s when he hears the siren.
It’s the cops. He is pulled over. Driving the ice sled drunk again.
Old Man Winter will spend the next three seasons in jail, but he always breaks free when Autumn comes to a close.

Wishfish

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Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who caught a magical talking fish.
“If you let me go,” said the fish, “I will grant you three wishes.”
So the fisherman wished for a large lemon, a sharp fillet knife, and a good wine that goes with fish.
“Your wishes are… um… er… granted,” said the fish.
Then the fisherman killed and boned the fish, slicing it into thick fillets.
However, when he got home to have his wife cook the fish for him, the stove was broken.
They had a fire pit outside, though. The fish was absolutely delicious.