Category: My stories

Diamonds are not a girls’ best friend

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It was Tina’s first time.
The deal was simple: she’d swallow the bag of diamonds, fly to Rome, and then she’d crap them out.
It would have been the easiest ten thousand dollars she ever made. What could possibly go wrong?
When she landed, Customs waved her through.
They were waiting for her. Tossed her in a car and drove for a few hours until they got to the villa.
“Change of plans.”
They shot her, cut her open, pulled out the diamonds, and buried the rest.
They used to harvest and sell the organs. Too much of a hassle.

Gingerman

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He sat alone in the crowd, casually reading his book and sipping a pint.
He was waiting for some people, but he preferred to read instead of wait.
One beer… two… three…
Sure, he had been early, but now they were late.
Was he at the right place? Did he get the time wrong?
Every voice in the crowd started to sound like them.
He got up and looked around… twice… three times…
“And they lived happily ever after.”
Finished. Not bad.
He shrugged, paid his tab, tipped generously, and left.
Not a bad evening at all, he thought, smiling.

Two Loves

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Walter had two childhood loves: singing waiters and rollerskating waitresses.
When he grew up, he wanted nothing more than a restaurant that had both.
So, after lying to the bank about the true nature of his dream-restaurant, he bought all the kitchen and wireless microphone equipment he needed, laid out the tables around a roller-derby track, and went on a hiring spree.
Now it’s one thing to hire singers, rollerskaters, and waiters. But it’s another thing entirely looking for all three on the same resume.
A few broken bones and stained uniforms later, Walter gave up.
He sold pizza instead.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 53

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Abraham Lincoln may had a reputation as a rail-splitter, but he was also a notorious riverboat gambler.
His brilliant mind could count any number of decks, and he read the tells of his opponents like he was reading a book.
He also used his long limbs to his advantage, concealing a volume of cards up his massive sleeves.
There were two problems with his riverboat gambler career:

  • Springfield was far from any major rivers.
  • Abe tended to get shot a lot.

Perhaps it was that second problem that made him a little cocky when it came to John Wilkes Booth.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 52

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At first, Abraham Lincoln believed that a friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
However, he first had to determine who his enemies were.
Abe took out a clipboard drew up a list.
It was a very long list. Lots of names on it.
His wife Mary Todd looked at the list, laughed, and then added a few names to it.
“Surely, not Tad?” said Abe. “My own son?”
Mary Todd nodded and pointed at the stairs where Tad was trying to light a fuse on a stick of dynamite.
Abe grounded him for three weeks.

Good morning, sunshine

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Scientists have yet to explain why the sun had a big smiley face on it yesterday.
Despite warnings telling people not to look directly at it, many people still tried. Lots of cases of blindness in the hospitals today.
Never mind the people medicated to the gills and strapped to their beds, completely freaked out at the idea that the sun had a smiley face on it.
There’s no smiley sun today. No sun at all, in fact.
By my watch, it’s already two hours late.
Perhaps if we all smile, it will show up before we freeze to death?

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 51

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You know, back in Abraham Lincoln’s day, Vice Presidents went out hunting, too.
Hannibal Hamlin was well-known for going back to his home state of Maine to hunt wild bear. Or he’d hunt wild eagle. However, every now and then he’d blast a lawyer or two to Kingdom Come.
Back then, vice presidents could easy cover up such hunting accidents. It wasn’t like there were all that many reporters following them around, clacking away at telegraph actuators with really long wires on them.
And, failing full secrecy, one could easily just blow away the reporters.
Tempting, even to this day.

Orbital

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The problem with self-navigating colonies is they’ll burn through their thruster fuel for a better view, greater solar panel efficiency, or just out of sheer spite towards whomever they put in their shadow.
Orbital Control does its best to prevent collisions between rivals, but every now and then you hear of an atmospheric breach or hull scorching due to this ruthless game.
The worst incident was when Glass Palace Five got sideswiped by Harmony Farms three years ago. Both atmospheres failed, nobody survived.
So, what was that about leaving your helmet and tank at home, soldier?
Go get it, stupid.

Hot Chocolate

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The thermometer is barely showing any red. All the doors and windows are sealed tight, and there’s a roaring fire.
It’s the perfect evening for hot chocolate.
The problem is, we don’t have any. Well, we’ve got chocolate flakes, but not enough milk to boil for the foamy kind.
We draw straws.
Short… short… short…
Long. Yeah, I drew the long straw, so I get to go out for the milk.
I bundle up with everything I’ve got, and I run out the door.
It’s only five minutes to the store and back.
Ten, if you forget your goddamned wallet.

Hot (as hell) dogs

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If we thank God for Friday, then should we curse Satan for Monday?
I asked Satan about it the other day when I saw him.
“Should I curse you for Monday?” I asked Satan.
“Sure,” said Satan. “I’m also responsible for hot dogs coming in packages of ten and hot dog buns coming in packages of eight.”
“Damn you, Satan!” I shouted.
“I’m already damned,” said Satan. “Care for a hot dog?”
Did you know that Satan likes his hot dogs Chicago style with mustard, relish, sweet peppers, pickles, and celery salt?
He’s not such a bad guy after all.