Category: My stories

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 00

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You may have heard somewhere that Abe was born in a log cabin
A competing theory says that Abe was born on a distant planet and was shot here in a rocketship by his loving parents, wishing he’d escape the cataclysm that faced their homeworld.
Our yellow sun’s rays made him powerful, invulnerable, and even gave him the ability to fly.
So, how did John Wilkes Booth shoot Lincoln then?
Why, a Kryptonite bullet, silly.
Of course, rival theories such as these are utterly and totally full of crap, but I like telling the “sewn-together corpses” one to my kids.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 41

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War-weary Abraham Lincoln may have proclaimed the last Thursday as Thanksgiving, but he also dictated the special meal to be served to those observing it…
“Tree bark, sour grass, and whatever bugs you can catch!” yelled Abe. “All washed down with muddy, algae-encrusted water!”
Eventually, Abe came to grips with his modest log-cabin upbringing and settled on turkey with all the trimmings.
“But don’t forget the vomit buckets!” screamed Abe. “They’re the second-most essential part, right next to dressing a common streetwalker like an Indian and beating her to death with a fireiron!”
Once again, another regrettable Lincoln childhood memory.

Breakfast of Martyrs

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Abdul leaned over the cereal bowl and scowled. “What gives?” he asked.
“Notice how the cereal is shaped like shredded Zionist body parts,” said Mohammed. “And the milk turns red.”
“Nice touch,” said Abdul. “What else?”
“Seventy-two raisins in every bowl!” beamed Abdul. “Just as Allah promised!”
“I thought we got virgins,” said Abdul.
“It’s a mistranslation,” said Mohammed. “It’s really raisins.”
“Fine,” said Abdul. “So, we call them Yasser-O’s?”
“They’re flakes, not circles,” said Mohammed. “Resistance Flakes: A legitimate resistance to hunger for… um… freedom? Independence? Sovereignty?”
“Whatever,” said Abdul. “Add a grenade as a prize and we’re ready.”

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 40

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Lincoln shuffled his notes. After all his years on the road, he could smell trouble.
Independence Hall reeked of it.
“I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence,” shouted Lincoln to the crowd. “But now that I’m President, let’s just forget that whole rebellion against tyrants thing, okay?”
When he got back to Washington, Lincoln commissioned a throne made from human skulls.
“Make sure it matches the drapes,” he told the decorator. “Or your skull will join the others.”
Impressive, it was. But not good for the spine.

Skin Deep

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Good. You’re awake.
I’d like to explain why you’re laid up in the infirmary, Captain.
Ensign Smith is from Far Colony through a rehab assignment. Among other practices, Far Colony’s customs include the pictographic branding of all criminal acts.
Pointing to his mother’s image and saying “Is that what’s waiting for you back home” is a two-fold insult: reminding him of her murder and suggesting lewd acts with his mother.
Well, three-fold if you consider necrophilia, which they actually still consider a serious no-no.
What?
Well, you can still hold the pen in your mouth to sign the transfer order.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 39

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Abe’s favorite hobby was breeding racing flies. He worked hard at breeding different bloodlines for sprinting and long distance races.
Every now and then, he’d breed up a super-fly, capable of competing in both the sprints and the marathons.
The fact that he raised them from maggots deep in the flesh of his calves seriously hampered his chances at public office. So, in the end, he gave up his one true love for politics, as many ambitious men do.
Still during the worst battles of the war, Abe secretly snuck out to indulge in his favorite pastime with enemy corpses.

Tastes Like Chicken

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Gerald the Geek was famous for biting the heads off of live chickens. I don’t think there’s a county fair that hasn’t had chicken blood drooled by Gerald on its midway.
One day, those wiseasses from PETA knock on my door, yelling all sorts of crazy demands.
“Let the elephants go free!”
“Stop torturing the horses!”
“Does the Snake Lady have an on-staff, full-time herpetologist?”
Blah blah blah. Damn hippies.
They also wanted Gerald fired. So Gerald did what came natural and bit their heads off.
If he gets out, it won’t be for fifty years.
So, want the job?

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 38

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During his summers, Abraham Lincoln worked in a circus as a Tic Tac Toe-playing chicken.
“Bawk,” said Abe, pecking at the center square.
“That’s no chicken,” growled the farmer he was playing against. “I think that’s just future president Abraham Lincoln in a chicken suit. I want my nickel back!”
“Cluck,” said Abe.
“Did you say future president?” asked the carnival owner.
“Yes,” said the farmer. “Why?”
The carnival owner hired the farmer on as a Hindu psychic.
Abe was fired, but he kept the chicken suit just in case the whole rail-splitting lawyer and president gig didn’t work out.

Rene and Georgette Magritte, without their dog before the war

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Rene slapped off the radio, shot out of bed, and ran to the studio.
His greatest idea yet! So much better than the men in bowlers, the green apples, and the hanging boulders!
He slashed at the canvas with his brush. No sky! No clouds! No background!
Tan. Just tan. Endless tan.
Rene then dabbed his brush into the various colors, shaping and shading the object of his desire.
“Fini!” he shouted. “Ceci n’est pas une foret!”
The lifelike electric drill shone proudly from the canvas.
“Rene, non foret,” said Georgette.
“Non foret?” said Rene. “Beluge? Chat?”
“Pipe,” Georgette said.

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Abe looked out the window and spotted the stagecoach.
Four angry Arabs sat on top of it, whipping the horses and shouting curses with every lash.
“This can’t be good,” said Abe.
“Relax, Mister President,” said his chief of security. “Everything’s been taken care of.”
The stagecoach rumbled along Pennsylvania Avenue, jumped the curb, crashed through the fence, and made a beeline for the White House.
“Oh crap,” said Abe.
The Arabs shouted one last ALLAHU ACKBAR before they and the stagecoach smashed into the building.
“Sixth one today,” said Abe. “Is there nothing civil about their war against us?”