Author: R.

The Monkeys

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Bill bred the monkeys specifically for manual dexterity and docile temperament.
The typewriters, hauled out of some warehouse, just needed dusting and fresh ribbons.
Writers Guild representatives caught wind of Bill’s plan and used everything short of poisoning the banana supply to stop him.
Despite these evil schemes, Bill persevered, and his simian legions grew.
And produced.
At first, random garbage was the result. Lots of stained, crumbled sheets of typing paper covered with garble.
Then, smashed typewriters and the occasional dead monkey.
They never did manage to produce Shakespeare, but made a fine line in Bill’s obituary years later.

Abandoned Baby

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There was a knock at the door, and the dogs in the back yard barked like bad.
“Shut up,” said Arthur. “It’s not dinnertime yet.”
The dogs barked louder.
Arthur walked to the front door, and opened it. When he looked down, he saw a baby in a basket.
No note.
“You don’t have a name?” said Arthur. “Let me think of a name for you…”
Arthur picked up the basket, went to the back yard, and tossed the baby to the hungry dogs.
“Your name is dinner,” said Arthur.
Arthur put the basket in the bathroom to store magazines.

Tonga

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Why did th earthquake in Tonga happen this past week? Andrew Ian Dodge digs into the mystery…

The Doctor on duty read the reports of an “earthquake” near Tonga and sighed. As he looked through the heavy window down the corridor on his ward he dreaded the night to come. There was already odd noises penetrating the room; odd chanting and singing…the constant thump of someone smacking his head against a padded wall. The Doc reached into the drawer for his ear plugs and placed them in his ears. It was always this way when the deepest part of the Pacific ocean shakes. They couldn’t report the real truth. In an instant he hears a bloody-curdling scream.

The Magician

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No outs, bottom of the ninth. The team is one run up, but the bases are loaded.
The manager comes out of the dugout, takes the ball from the pitcher, and waves to the bullpen.
The doors open, and Mysterio The Great strolls out, magnificent in his top hat and red-lined black cloak.
The next thing the crowd knows, there are three outs. The game is over, Mysterio gets the save.
The crowd, apprehensive and confused at first, eventually realizes their team has won, and they cheer wildly.
Mysterio bows, waves his wand, and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Not The Same

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The suicide bomber only managed to kill one person when he blew himself up at the sidewalk café: the security guard who kept him from killing more.
The bomber exploded in the guard’s embrace, both dying at the same time.
Both shared something else in common: the same exact type of cell phone. Down to the ringtone.
The guard’s widow got the phone of the bomber, and the bomber’s widow got the phone of the guard.
Neither noticed the difference or ever charged the batteries on the bloody devices. They just sat on memorial shelves, occasionally taken down for dusting.

Skin Book

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Andrew Ian Dodge talks about a book that’s likely not missing from the public library…

A book covered in human skin was recently found in Leeds beside a road. The Police said it was dropped by a thief. Doubt it. I suspect the book was dropped by its owner, who was dabbling in the black arts. As so often happens he thought he could out-run the entity pursuing him. The book was dropped where the eldritch horror caught up with him and sucked him into the void. Could have been worse he could have been turned inside out like Abdul Al Alzared the author of the Necronomicon. Wonder how the Police would’ve explained that away?

Sinking

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Why is Wembley Stadium sinking? Andrew Ian Dodge tells the horrfying truth…

He knew exactly what he had to do when he sensed what was going on. The digging to sure up Wembley was going well. The trouble was he could not allow it go any deeper. A few people were feeling a bit ill over the past two days but Jarl was suffering from intense seething evil. Something living was there, a visceral evil and Jarl had to stop the digging. While inspecting the digging he careful placed small charges all over there. He hit the button; he knew how to make it look like a collapse. Would he die…well…

Nosferatu

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Want to know the truth about Nosferatu?
He wasn’t a vampire. He was just really pissed off.
Imagine, going to the carnival or a gift shop and looking for a personalized mug with your name on it… they have John and Mary and Susan and Joe, and Bob and Kent and…
And no Nosferatu.
If you ask the salesman, he asks you to repeat it. So you have to repeat it. Twice. Pretty soon, you’re shouting it and waving your hands around crazily.
See? That’s how it happens.
Now get me a fucking Laurence mug! Not W, with a U!

Coyote

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It was Paco’s first time crossing the border, and he didn’t want to get caught
His cousins tried the desert route. Those that survived were caught and spent five months in jail, only to be bussed back home.
“Use the coyote,” said his grandmother. “He is a genius at crossing the border.”
Paco found the coyote. He handed him the money, and the coyote handed him a crash helmet.
“What is this for?” asked Paco.
“The catapult,” said coyote. “Our would you prefer the rocket roller-skates?”
Paco shrugged. “Who am I to question genius?”
“Supra-genius,” said the coyote. “Hold tight.”

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 57

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Abraham Lincoln put down his afternoon sandwich, rubbed his temples, and moaned.
“What’s wrong?” asked Mary Todd. “Is Congress bothering you again?”
Abe nodded. “It’s those thickheaded fools. I cannot make it better known than it already is that I strongly favor colonization.”
“Well, you know what I do when I want you to remember something,” said Mary Todd.
Abe scratched his head. “No, I don’t.”
“You silly goose, I stick a note in your sandwich,” said Mary Todd.
Abe picked up his sandwich, opened it, and read the note inside:
“QUIT EATING THESE DAMN NOTES BEFORE YOU READ THEM!”