Author: R.

Good morning, sunshine

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Scientists have yet to explain why the sun had a big smiley face on it yesterday.
Despite warnings telling people not to look directly at it, many people still tried. Lots of cases of blindness in the hospitals today.
Never mind the people medicated to the gills and strapped to their beds, completely freaked out at the idea that the sun had a smiley face on it.
There’s no smiley sun today. No sun at all, in fact.
By my watch, it’s already two hours late.
Perhaps if we all smile, it will show up before we freeze to death?

Phone

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Andrew Ian Dodge reaches out and… um… right.

Through all the rioting in the Muslim world and the Avian flu panic some may have missed the News of the Screws’ latest exclusive. Well, it seems that not all Premiership Footballers are totally straight. Not only are some willing to give each other head when drunk; at least one has come up with a novel use for the new slim-line mobile. As far as I understand you shove your phone somewhere stimulating down below and your mates call you repeatedly until you pop off. Might I suggest you don’t borrow a Premiership footballer’s phone… you never know where its been.

That’s one person I won’t have on speed-dial.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 51

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You know, back in Abraham Lincoln’s day, Vice Presidents went out hunting, too.
Hannibal Hamlin was well-known for going back to his home state of Maine to hunt wild bear. Or he’d hunt wild eagle. However, every now and then he’d blast a lawyer or two to Kingdom Come.
Back then, vice presidents could easy cover up such hunting accidents. It wasn’t like there were all that many reporters following them around, clacking away at telegraph actuators with really long wires on them.
And, failing full secrecy, one could easily just blow away the reporters.
Tempting, even to this day.

Voice

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Andrew Ian Dodge is not just a voice at the other end of a wire… or is he?

What of this voice? This voice; I mean mine; the one you are hearing now. On Thursday I am off to record this voice to see if advert companies think its worth something. Needless to say I am listening to adverts more carefully these days; more closely than the actual programs to be honest. I always used to think I was being insulted when someone told me I had a voice for radio. Thought it was a clever way of saying I had a face for radio. I don’t believe that anymore. Will it end up in anything…one never knows.

I have a simple saying “In the end, we’re all dead. Have some pie.”

Orbital

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The problem with self-navigating colonies is they’ll burn through their thruster fuel for a better view, greater solar panel efficiency, or just out of sheer spite towards whomever they put in their shadow.
Orbital Control does its best to prevent collisions between rivals, but every now and then you hear of an atmospheric breach or hull scorching due to this ruthless game.
The worst incident was when Glass Palace Five got sideswiped by Harmony Farms three years ago. Both atmospheres failed, nobody survived.
So, what was that about leaving your helmet and tank at home, soldier?
Go get it, stupid.

Hot Chocolate

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The thermometer is barely showing any red. All the doors and windows are sealed tight, and there’s a roaring fire.
It’s the perfect evening for hot chocolate.
The problem is, we don’t have any. Well, we’ve got chocolate flakes, but not enough milk to boil for the foamy kind.
We draw straws.
Short… short… short…
Long. Yeah, I drew the long straw, so I get to go out for the milk.
I bundle up with everything I’ve got, and I run out the door.
It’s only five minutes to the store and back.
Ten, if you forget your goddamned wallet.

Eyes Of Black

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Andrew Ian Dodge tells a tale inspired by the Cthulhu-like squiggly things:

There is a child born of man with black eyes. Not of dark brown but of darkest opal. He will be sought by those of evil, those called the deep ones; those servants of the Great Old One Cthulhu. They seek to end his days as he is a great threat. As he grows he will know them and find them…not to join but to end them. They will seek him high & low; at all costs not matter how high. You need this boy to save us all. Do not fear eyes of black…for they might save you anon.

Know what’s a big black eye? My not getting any themes from y’all.
No themes, no stories.

Hot (as hell) dogs

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If we thank God for Friday, then should we curse Satan for Monday?
I asked Satan about it the other day when I saw him.
“Should I curse you for Monday?” I asked Satan.
“Sure,” said Satan. “I’m also responsible for hot dogs coming in packages of ten and hot dog buns coming in packages of eight.”
“Damn you, Satan!” I shouted.
“I’m already damned,” said Satan. “Care for a hot dog?”
Did you know that Satan likes his hot dogs Chicago style with mustard, relish, sweet peppers, pickles, and celery salt?
He’s not such a bad guy after all.

Thirtysomething

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I remember turning thirty. It was a special time.
When people asked me how old I was, I said “Thirtysomething.”
People asked me what something meant. I’d reply “zero.”
Then I’d be asked “Shouldn’t you say ‘Thirtynothing’ instead of ‘Thirtysomething’ ?”
And I’d say “If silence can speak louder than words, nothing can be something.”
If I played tennis, I’d probably have said “Thirty – love.”
But I don’t. So I didn’t say it.
Now that I think of it, I never did watch that “Thirtysomething” show.
When I turn forty, I’ll also be thirtysomething. Something being ten, of course.

Smoking

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Andrew Ian Dodge considers the hypocrisy of smoking bans:

One thing that has always amused me is what happens to lefties when they get into government. I am not talking the far-left frothing loons; but the soft-left carrying and sharing type. The ones who used to bleat on about various crypto-fascist “regimes” in North America and other places. In power they ban everything they can find that anyone enjoys. The latest breach of our rights is the total ban on smoking in “public” places. I seem to remember one A. Hitler banned smoking in public places on the grounds it was an affront to the Reich. Labour uber Alles!

We have that problem here, too. Shelley Sekula Gibbs of the Houston City Council is behind an all-out smoking ban in the city, but she claims to be a champion of personal freedoms.
Go figure.