Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After he saw the lion tamer act at the circus, he traded in his cutlass and pistols for a bullwhip.
He practiced with it a lot, much to the chagrin of his shipmates, who learned quickly not to smoke cigarettes out on deck.
“HIYAH!” shouted George, as he lashed the bullwhip.
It struck a pirate’s ear with a loud crack, and they spat out their cigarette.
“Hey, I did manage to knock the cigarette out of your mouth,” said George.
The pirate tried to strangle George with the bullwhip.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He walked along a beach, thrust a flag pole into the sand, and he proclaimed:
I CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF THE PIRATE NATION!
A crowd surrounded George… and took selfies with him.
And they tossed coins and currency into a basket by the flag pole.
Some looked up his merch site on the web… plastic cutlasses, little George pirate dolls.
After a few minutes, George pulled up the flag pole, picked up the basket, and went back to the bar.
To wait for the next show.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While the ship was in dock for repairs, all of the other pirates wenched and caroused and made nuisances of themselves.
George preferred to spend his time in libraries, poring through old illuminated manuscripts and ancient scrolls.
“Are you looking for clues to buried treasure?” asked a monk.
“Yes,” said George. “The greatest treasure can be found in libraries.”
The monk patted George on the back and went back to his prayers.
George smiled, slipped another book into his satchel, and went to the stacks for more to steal.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time in port, waiting for opportunities to loot, pillage, and steal.
But there weren’t many these days.
Bored, he cut a section of canvas from his sails.
Then he’d wet and stretch it over a wooden frame he made from the timbers of his ship.
And he’d paint.
He sold his paintings to tourists, and by the time he ran out of sailcloth and timbers from his ship, he’d made enough money to buy a new ship.
And he’d get bored all over again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
And he knew it.
When the captain said that he wanted to talk to George, George’s mind began to race.
What did he do now? How much trouble was he in?
Was he going to be fired, and forced to clear out his bunk, and have to walk past his shipmates in shame?
Or even worse, made to walk the plank into shark-infested waters?
George panicked and collapsed.
The captain sighed, and left George’s teddybear in his arm.
“Fool keeps leaving it in the galley,” he mumbled to himself.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a good Pittsburgh Pirates fan, though.
Every now and then, he went to the games, and people mistook him as the mascot.
They’d take selfies with George.
Usually, it was kids. Or drunk fans.
George made a lot of tips this way.
Soon, other pirates went to the ballpark, looking for easy money.
The team tried to ban pirates from the games, but they had trouble telling the difference between pirates and fans.
So, they hired George as a consultant.
He made even more money this way.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time looking at timbers, watching to see if they would shiver.
The timbers just sat there, doing nothing.
“You do know that saying comes from ships in heavy seas,” said the captain. “The ship crests a wave and crashes back down so hard, the timbers shake.”
The next time the ship was in heavy seas, the captain tried to point out how the timbers shook after each time they crashed back down from a wave.
But George was too busy throwing up to watch.

Eighteen years ago, I started this podcast.
I’m just as surprised as you are that it’s still going.
———
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He interviewed to join Campeche in Galveston, but Jean Lafitte personally rejected the application and had him thrown overboard from The Pride.
George crawled to shore, and Lafitte’s men pointed at George and laughed.
When George got back to his ship, he pulled a handful of documents out from under his shirt.
He’d stolen the letters of marque from Lafitte.
Lafitte ordered his men to hunt down and kill George.
But the US Navy had them bottled in, and they ordered Lafitte’s surrender.
La Maison Rouge was set ablaze.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But after the sexual harassment scandals rolled through the pirate community, George was the only pirate that ad agencies could hire without risking backlash or protests.
George’s face replaced Blackbeard’s on cereal boxes.
This pissed off Blackbeard. A lot.
He held up a cereal box and yelled “A HUNDRED DUBLOONS FOR THE MAN WHO BRINGS ME THE HEAD OF THIS MAN!”
His men brought back the heads of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, the Trix rabbit, and Count Chocula.
Blackbeard gave up, and he switched to eating oatmeal for breakfast.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time lost or missing.
A crude sketch of George’s face appeared on the labels of rum bottles.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PIRATE?
The sketch was somewhat generic for a pirate, so a lot of reports came in, but none of them turned out to be George.
When the police tracked down the person sending in all of the false reports, it turned out to be George.
“Next time, I’ll use pay phones and other people’s cell phones,” grumbled George, walking back to his ship.