Category: My stories

My grandfather was a sportsman.
All he wanted was a son to share his love of sports with.
Golf. Bowling. Pool.
But he had two daughters.
And all they did was eat.
Well, my grandfather loved to eat, too.
He was huge. But not as huge as he’d been if he didn’t golf, bowl, or shoot pool.
When he finally had a grandson, he was thrilled to be able to share his love of sports with him.
But, by then, he was too fat to golf or bowl.
Shooting pool, however, he could still do.
And, with us, he did.

Most secret sauces include mayo.
Most special sauces include mayo.
I’m allergic to eggs, so I’m allergic to mayo.
I used to love mayo, but now I despise it.
I fear it. I loathe it.
I truly detest mayo and what it does to my body.
If I say no mayo, I mean no mayo.
NO MAYO! IN ANYTHING!
No mayo, no mayo sauces, no mayo dressings, no mayo anything.
If your clothes are made out of miracle mayo fiber, you’d better be bare-assed naked when you hand me my burger.
With no mayo on it.
Or secret special sauce.

Just as fast food commercials lure you into eating food that causes diabetes, heart disease, and strokes, the Hallmark Channel movies lure you into feeling guilt, regret, and a mistaken desire to forgive and reconnect with the toxic people who fucked you up as a kid. I’d love to see a parody of these movies where someone goes back to that small town, sees how shitty everyone was and still is to them, doesn’t fall for their nostalgia trap, and leaves. Oh, and they bang that still hot old flame guy/gal who’s now conveniently single or widowed or whatever.

Billy played bass.
Roger played the drums.
John was lead guitar. And he wrote all the songs.
Mark did keyboards and vocals.
And Janet did the tambourine.
Everybody got paid equal shares.
After a while, John got pissed off at Janet because she didn’t want to sing.
“You just bang a tambourine,” he said.
Sure, she looked good on stage.
And on the posters and album covers.
But getting paid the same as the songwriter-guitarist and the keyboard-playing vocalist, they got mad and let her go.
Janet banged her tambourine solo, and made a fortune.
While her former band folded.

When I see some famous athlete or celebrity in an insurance company’s commercial, I hope that they suffer some grievous injury or loss.
A season-ending break, or a raging wildfire that destroys their mansion.
And they have to suffer through the same claims process and rejection that ordinary people suffer through.
But the thing is, they won’t.
They’ll scream how they’re the famous athlete or celebrity in the commercials.
And get special treatment.
The insurance company paying out more millions to them.
While the rest of us are stuck on hold, or waiting for a rejection letter in the mail.

I don’t give a shit what you are, what color your skin color is, what gets you off (as long as it’s not kids), what you pray to, and where you are.
All I care is: do the job.
Go to the toilet and pray to Neptune the sea god for all I care.
Just get out of the way when I need to take a shit.
As for your multicolored separate diversity flags, the only flag I fly is at Pancho’s Mexican Buffet which is used to signal the wait staff to bring more chips and refills for drinks.

Grimbles Academy boasts an excellent teaching reputation, graduation rate, and college placement test score averages.
This is due to the massive Alfonse Grimbles Endowment.
They can afford the best of everything.
The best facilities, the best teachers.
But not quite the best students.
You see, the Endowment requires that at least one Grimble is enrolled at all times.
Which is awkward, since Alfonse left everything to the Endowment and left his descendants destitute.
The well-to-do student body harasses these kids, and there are frequent fights.
The lawyers worked up a plan… enroll the Grimbles, but keep them on permanent suspension.

I hated Brussels Sprouts.
I also hated any boiled vegetable.
Raw, I liked. Put a salad in front of me any day.
But boiled vegetables? Awful.
Still think that these days.
So, when my mother said “Well, you need to try different things” and I tried it and hate it, what kind of asshole MAKES IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN?
What? It doesn’t taste like mushy vomit the second and third and eleventy billionth time?
And if I don’t like it, I’m the one who’s wrong? What?
No, mother… you were a fucking asshole.
And you were a shitty cook.

Ah, faith healers. Claiming to do God’s will.
The thing I’ve never understood about faith healers is when they grow old and end up in the hospital with something terminal.
“Can’t you just heal yourself?” I want to ask them.
But I already know their answer.
They all say it… God wants them back.
Then why go into the hospital?
I mean, if it’s God’s will, why resist with doctors and nurses and medicine and surgery?
But I know it’s all a lie… because I was a nurse.
And I gave a faith healer sugar pills.
And the fucker died.

I’m on a diet due to a few health issues.
High blood pressure, high blood sugar.
That kind of thing.
So I need to be careful about what I eat.
I need to think about the things I eat and look up their calories and protein and other nutrients.
Of course, thinking about eating things is a lot less calories than actually eating them.
So I do a lot of thinking about eating and very little eating.
When I think about things to eat, okay, so I let myself go a bit.
Steaks and ice cream sundaes and fudge brownies.