Category: My stories

When the virus came, schools were closed to keep students from allowing the virus to spread.
Every morning, the students went to their computers, logged into the virtual classrooms, and took their lessons.
Back in the day, spitballs and smoking in the bathroom. Or passing notes.
These days, they chat with each other instead of paying attention to the teacher.
Play deathmatches in another window, going on adventures.
The teacher shrugs. Same shit, different platform.
He sends out material for them to read, which he knows they won’t.
The quiz score graph trends down.
While the sickness charts trend upwards.

When my eyes itch, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just an allergy.
When I sneeze, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just a cold.
When I cough, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just catching my breath.
When I feel warm, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just my having worn a hat for a few minutes.
When I feel sweaty, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just the room being warm.
When my body aches, I wonder if it’s the virus.
It’s just me worrying myself to death, waiting for the virus’s arrival.

Sheltering in place during a social shutdown can provide all kinds of unusual opportunities for entertainment.
I like to watch network television for the commercials.
And when the companies in their ads show actors doing things that are completely absurd in these new times, I point it out.
“Those people are touching strangers in public,” I say. “They have the virus now.”
Or someone walking through a grocery store with full shelves.
Yeah, like that’s going to happen with hoarding.
Or a fancy commercial for some new wonderdrug.
Where the advertisement cost more than the company’s Research and Development budget.

Long ago, Douglas Adams wrote about a planet that send a third of its population away in a gigantic ark.
The supposedly useless third of the population.
The other two-thirds died from a disease from a contaminated telephone.
Because the telephone sanitizers were sent away.
We have no public telephones anymore.
But during the beginning of the Coronavirus Pandemic, I went out to buy supplies.
And even with the handwashing and social distancing, I got to the register, and they handled all of my stuff.
Then I had to use a credit card reader.
I use a tissue with those.

Teddy started by washing his hands.
Scrubbing with hand sanitizer..
All over his body. Twenty times a day..
He kept a safe social distance from others..
By locking himself in his house.
Working from home.
He had a stockpile of food and water.
Boiling it to kill all the viruses and germs.
He kept in communication with others through the Internet.
Well, not really.
He paid his bills online.
He just read headlines and Twitter flame wars and other nonsense out there.
One morning, Teddy slipped in the tub.
Broke his neck.
Or maybe he drowned in the hand sanitizer.

It’s a strange feeling, going from having teeth, to having them removed and replaced with a temporary bridge, to getting implants and crowns put in.
I’m no longer popping the bridge on and off of my teeth.
I can eat without feeling the bridge come loose on the food.
But it still feels different on my tongue, where the crowns meet the other teeth, and the different seams.
I am careful now, but in time, I’ll do something stupid.
Break a crown, or pull it loose, and it’s back to the dentist.
Until then, I am grateful for modern dentisty.

Alex knew things nobody else did.
He thought of it as job security.
Who would fire the guy who was the only one who knew how to do things?
“Write it down,” demanded his boss.
But Alex ignored him.
“Are you going to fire me?” he said. “In fact, give me a raise, or I quit.”
When Alex went on vacation, things would grind to a halt.
Alex’s boss decided to harass Alex, flooding his phone and text messages.
Until Alex suddenly died of a stroke.
“It was the knowledge,” said Alex’s boss. “It wanted out, and it killed him.”

Having trouble sleeping?
You need a lullabye to help you sleep.
Hey, want to know what the best lullabye is?
Well, I would too.
I thought I came up with it, but I fell asleep while writing it.
When I woke up, I forgot what it was.
I looked at the music sheet, and it was clear at first, but then kinda trailed off.
I tried to record myself coming up with it, but I fell asleep, and it ate up all the memory and battery ran out, and when I woke up, it was gone from my recording device.

As the virus spread across the globe, so many people are afraid.
And they will pay anything for food and supplies.
I sit here in my castle made of toilet paper rolls, surrounded by a moat of bleach.
I load cans of soup into the catapults, ready to drive off bands of roving hoarders and scavengers.
Should they make it past the moat and into the gate, I will pour gallons of bleach through the murder holes to murder any infections they carry.
Safe and secure in my fort, a thought strikes me…
I wonder who will walk the dog.

When it comes to simple hygiene and hand-washing, people are stupid.
They don’t use soap. Or wash their hands long enough.
Or even wash their hands at all.
So, people came up with hand-washing songs to make hand-washing fun and enjoyable.
I think it’s all stupid.
So, I came up with a hand-washing songs that encourages people to lie down in front of trains, walk into traffic, jump off of bridges, and drink everything under their sink.
Sure, it’ll kill some gullible and stupid people.
Good. We’re better off without those fucking idiots.
And it’ll slow the progress of infection.