Category: My stories

what is
daylight savings time
to a cat?
a happy cat
a cat has
a sleep time
a drink time
a sleep time
a lay in the sun time
a poop time
a sleep time
an eat time
a sleep time
and claw things time
oh and more
a sleep time
you have so many times
too many times
not enough time
for all your times
be more like cat
you sleep
you lay in the sun
you drink
you poop
you eat
you claw things
no more
nothing else
just do that
and you will be
happy like cat

Bob bought a gun safe for his guns so he could lock them up so they’d be safe from burglars.
The gun safe came with a lifetime warranty.
The manufacturer would fix any issues free of charge.
One night, a burglar broke into Bob’s house, opened the gun safe, and shot Bob.
As Bob lay bleeding on the floor, he wondered how the burglar got his gun from the safe.
Bob’s son inherited the gun safe, but the manufacturer refused to fix the lock issue.
“The owner died, didn’t he?” they said. “His lifetime’s over, and so is the warranty.”

After she quit her job, she left the tree in her office.
The one I gave her as a wedding present.
In fairness, she did take the clock and the pitcher I gave her.
So, it wasn’t something out of spite.
Just convenience.
I could ask her. I have her address, right?
But I won’t.
I dragged the tree to the hallway.
It’s outside our office pod door.
The red birdie sits in the branches.
I squeeze it, and the batteries still work.
The shrill chirp of the cardinal rings through the hallway.
I smile, and go back to work.

I knew I’d fall asleep before she got home.
So, I wrapped up the shirt she wanted, left the package next to the jar with the flowers I picked up at the grocery store, and leaned a pair of cards from me and the cats against them.
By the time I woke up, she was already asleep.
It’s like this, so often. Living alone together.
On the weekends, we’re quiet.
Football or baseball or basketball or something on the television.
She reads, I’m online doing something or another.
As long as the cats get fed, they don’t mind at all.

if the sun explodes now
right now
it will take eight minutes
for us to realize that it has exploded
it takes eight minutes
for light to travel
from the sun to us
we won’t know sooner
because nothing travels faster than light
even if we surrounded the sun
with satellites
it would take eight minutes
for the radio signals
to travel
so, any time you’re stuck somewhere
and wish that the sun would explode
right now
to end it all
you’ve got another eight minutes of that shit
instead
wish for the sun
to have exploded eight minutes ago.

When people are ignoring something important, some people say “There’s an 800-pound gorilla in the room.” Or “There’s an elephant in the room.” And a few still say “There’s an n-word in the woodpile.”
The problem is, there is an 800-pound gorilla in the room. And an elephant. And an African American in the woodpile. It’s rude to say n-word these days. But if you ask the guy sitting in the woodpile, he prefers that you just call him “Steve.”
Instead of avoiding the issue, I pick up the phone and call the front desk.
“I’d like another room, please.”

Fisk says that Arabs are Semites, so they can’t be anti-Semitic.
Fisk says that they can’t be terrorists because they’re resisting occupation.
By killing women.
By killing children.
By killing the elderly.
So, I call them Jew Haters.
I call them bloodthirsty barbarians.
I call them murderers.
I call them genocidal maniacs.
I call them animal predators.
I call them brainwashed deathcultists.
Then Fisk calls me a hater.
Do I hate the people who want to kill me?
Who teach their children to hate and want to kill me?
Come close, Fisk. Closer.
And let me spit in your face.