Category: My stories

Whenever the Moscow Ballet performed in New York, security services told the dancers that if they defected, they would never see their families again.
This didn’t bother Irina. She’d be escaping her wicked Uncle Vanya.
So, she didn’t mind that threat at all, and she escaped through a bathroom window at the theater.
“I defect!” she shouted at the cameras.
The Russians raised a stink, but Irina got her way.
She joined the New York City Ballet, and settled in with a foster family.
Until one day, The Russians sent a gift:
“Hello, pretty,” said Uncle Vanya. “Dance for me.”

If Mohamed Bouhlel had run over Jews in Jerusalem, Mahmoud Abbas would call him a martyr.
If Mohamed Bouhlel had run over Jews in Jerusalem, Mahmoud Abbas would dedicate a monument to him.
If Mohamed Bouhlel had run over Jews in Jerusalem, Mahmoud Abbas would paying his family a thousand dollars, your tax dollars, to his family as a reward. Every month.
If Mohamed Bouhlel had run over Jews in Jerusalem, Mahmoud Abbas would encourage children to follow his example.
But Mohamed Bouhlel ran over people in Nice, so Mahmoud Abbas condemned him.
How noble of that terrorist bastard, right?

They call Dallas the City of Hate.
After Kennedy was shot and killed there.
Is that the metric for hate?
Shooting presidents?
Well, in that case, a president was murdered in Buffalo.
McKinley, right?
Why is that not the City of Hate?
McKinley was shot just as dead as Kennedy, right?
And what about Washington DC?
Two presidents were shot and killed there.
Lincoln and Garfield.
Several more shot at.
Jackson, Reagan, and Ford.
Anybody else? Am I missing someone?
Washington DC, by far, earns the City of Hate title.
Not that the others are all that loving, mind you.

Back in the old days, if you wanted to ride a dragon into battle, you had to hatch a dragon’s egg, train it, feed it, and house it.
Now, thanks to Uber, all you need is to call for a dragon, and one will arrive.
Sure, you can pay for options, such as flame breath or extra large size, but they’re usually just for show.
You’re only supposed to ride the dragon to battle and then get dropped off.
If you survive, you can hail another dragon.
Don’t forget that battles will increase dragon demand, so prepare for surge pricing.

“Salmoning” is where a bicyclist goes against the flow of traffic in a bike lane on a one-way street.
It is not where the cyclist leaps out of the bike lane into the road to pass another cyclist. That’s called “Getting hit by a cabbing.”
Nor is it when they pull over to a fountain, lay their eggs, and then suddenly die. There’s no word for that.
Finally, Salmoning is not where you offer salmon to passing bicyclists. That’s just creepy.
Plus, they always ask for cream cheese and a bagel.
Do I look like a deli, honey? Keep pedalling!

Your mission is to save my soul, be I alive or dead.
Do what you will.
Bless me. Immerse me.
But you will find no soul remaining.
It is here, in the stories.
Which I envisioned every day.
Dipped a side of my soul into my blood.
And pressed these stories into time.
One by one.
Always searching for a side yet without stain.
It takes longer every day.
Soon, there will be none left to tell.
I am out of ink.
I am out of facets.
I am out of time.
My testimony complete, let me rest forever within.

Ted booked a week off, and he had planned to travel somewhere during that time, but he decided on a staycation instead.
But he forgot to remove the Facebook and Twitter announcements about his plans.
Burglars had read these posts, and planned to rob Ted’s place.
Instead, Ted shot the burglars as they broke in.
It was all very exciting, from the attack to his eventual exoneration by the district attorney. Better than any vacation than he’d ever had.
So, when his friends needed a house sitter, he volunteered and brought his guns.
And had them post about their vacation.

After Robin Williams died, a lot of people posted on their Facebook timelines all kinds of videos, photos, and noise about harassing depressed people to go seek help.
They think this is helping.
Yeah, I fight with depression. Heck, I used to have the National Suicide Hotline on speed-dial, but one time I accidentally butt-dialed it and they thought I was going to kill myself.
After ten minutes of arguing, they said: “Then why do you have the number on speed-dial?”
I hung up, and realized that I don’t have to answer calls like that all day.
Life’s good, really.

Christopher Gunness
You fucking tool
You fucking fool
Do you let Hamas hide rockets
Up your ass
Or is your lying crying head
Jammed too far up there
Your schools
Teach kids to hate
And crave death
Your hospitals are ammo dumps
Rocket launching sites
And command centers for murderers
Reporters and civilians
Who call you on your lies
Are shot and killed
And dragged through the streets
All that concrete
To rebuild schools and hospitals
And homes
Used to build tunnels
Built by child slave labor
Drag out those dead children
Claim they were
Shot
Bombed by the Jeeeeeeeews