It’s good to have a morning routine.
Especially when you have trouble remembering things.
Make a list, put things in order.
Get up, and drink some water.
Stat the toaster, and spread on some butter or jam or something.
Vitamins, pills. And more water.
Make sure there’s enough food and water for the cats.
Put the laptop in the bag, along with the power cord.
Have a shower, get dressed.
Clothes all set out from the night before.
Sit on the chair and dangle shoelaces for the cat to play with.
Until I can remember how to tie my shoes.
Category: My stories
IHOP
The International House of Pancakes gave up on pancakes.
They tried to make burgers, but they weren’t very good at it.
So, they tried fried chicken instead.
Seems that frying chicken takes some experience and skill.
They gave up on that too.
One food after another, they tried making it.
And gave up on it.
When they ran out of food to screw up, they tried all kinds of other jobs: home repair, tuxedo rentals, political assassinations.
Eventually, they went back to making pancakes.
A senator choked to death on one.
Maybe they didn’t quite give up on political assassinations.
Doctor Odd’s Fears
People fear a day when robots and computers will be more intelligent than humans.
But Doctor Odd knew that the true tipping point would come when humans are dumber than robots and computers.
“Just look at the education system,” said Doctor Odd. “Producing mindless sheep, deluded into believing that they are critical thinkers, and trained only to pass a standardized test.”
Minions and assistants were hard to come by, what, with the useless Sociology and Communications and Diversity Studies graduates overtaking the hard sciences.
Doctor Odd built his own assistant.and programmed it.
Just slightly dumber than himself for safety reasons.
The sting of tears
We do for them what they cannot do for themselves.
It is the Devil’s bargain we make for their love.
To end their suffering, we must also suffer.
What if, we ask ourselves.
What if we wait just one more day.
All love is torture, in the end.
We can only do so much.
And their tenth lives are our memories of them.
When others face the decision, we do not envy them.
Because we must face it ourselves again. And again.
All that remains is dust, boxes on shelves.
A collar, a beloved toy.
And the sting of tears.
Harlan
When Harlan Ellison died, nobody believed it.
“Poke him with a stick,” said the head of the Writers Guild. “Poke him hard. The last time, he was faking.”
By the time they got to “Set him on fire and beat him with a shovel” they knew for certain he was dead.
His estate was put up for auction.
Except for his old typewriter.
It was encased in concrete and sunk to the bottom of a deep lake.
Sometimes, at night, a strange green fog bubbles up from the lake.
As for the screaming tentacles, that’s just a myth.
Isn’t it?
Doctor Odd’s Baseball
Doctor Odd loved baseball.
No, he never played, but as equipment manager for his high school team, he came up with a large number of inventions to help his team win.
From cleats that sped up runners to bats made from kinetically-charged wood.
Other teams tried to steal the catcher’s signs to the pitcher.
So, he worked up a pair of hat liners that created a psychic bond between the wearers.
It worked well for a few innings, but after extended continuous use it tended to make their heads explode.
“Okay, fine,” said Doctor Odd. “This is only for closers.”
Edison’s Revival
Edison wasn’t an inventor.
He was a miracle worker who raised the dead.
He made the dead speak through his phonograph.
And he made the dead appear through the film projector.
What other miracles could he perform?
Maybe raise the dead?
So, he dug up fresh bodies from the cemetery.
Laid them out on the table, hooked them up to his generators, and threw the switch.
They flopped about, but never truly came back to life.
So, he hooked up a phonograph under the table to play some sounds.
It was close enough to resurrection to keep the crowds entertained.
Lexus
The old truck has been falling apart faster than usual.
The battery, the alternator, the air conditioning.
One of the doors is loose, and I think the transmission is going out.
So, I looked into a new car, and talked to the owner of the garage where I get the truck fixed.
“Oh, you don’t want an Audi,” Mac said. “We have three in the garage there right now. Go get a Lexus. They’re good.”
So, I did,
And a week later, it was in the garage.
Along with four other Lexuses.
Also owned by suckers who listened to Mac.
Oh wait, they’re dead
As you get older, you have an increasing number of moments where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re dead.”
Some of them, you feel sad because you miss them, and they would have really enjoyed hearing what you were going to say.
Others, you feel relieved, because you don’t have to deal with their crap ever again.
And then there’s the ones who know shit about you that you don’t want to get out.
That’s when you might have a moment where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re still alive.”
Then you get your gun and shovel, and pay them a visit.
Fake Moon Landing
Some people say that NASA faked the moon landing.
No, the moon landing was real.
And most of the stuff that people saw on television was real.
But there was one thing that NASA faked.
It was when the astronauts golfed on the moon.
Alan Shephard was supposed to hit a few golf balls on the moon during the Apollo 14 mission.
But instead of his golf bag, he’d packed his tennis bag.
“The PGA paid us millions for this!” shouted Pete Frank, the flight director.
After NASA played the film, astronaut Edgar Mitchell hurled a lunar scoop in disgust.