Category: My stories

Carl Sagan said that to make an apple pie from scratch, first you must invent the universe. So, when God wanted an apple pie, He said “Let there be light” and invented the universe.
After a few thousand years with a few crusades and plagues along the way, God noticed the first apple pie cooling on a windowsill.
“Excellent,” God said, and He flew down to investigate. “Is that apple pie?”
“Yes,” said the woman who cooked it, and she offered God a slice.
God thought it was delicious, but… it needed something.
“Want to invent ice cream?” He asked.

Ever eaten at Tony’s? That restaurant on Sixth and Main?
It’s Tony’s place. He runs it himself.
He’s the chefs, the waiters, and the valet for the parking lot.
Amazing what you can do with cloning technology these days.
Every day, he and his clones draw jobs from a hat.
Just to keep it fair to himself.
It used to be a family business, but Tony kept telling each of his family members that he could do their jobs better.
And he could. So he did.
Just be sure to tip him well.
Otherwise, they’ll all spit in your food.

Usually when I travel to a conference or go on vacation, I buy a ballcap with a local sports team logo on it so I can blend in.
When I went to Portland, I got a green Oregon Ducks hat.
When I went to Phoenix Arizona, I got a black hat with Devils on it, for the Arizona State Sun Devils.
However, when I went to Columbus Ohio for a writer’s conference, I didn’t buy a hat.
I lived here for ten years.
I don’t want to blend in.
I just want to get the fuck out of here.
Again.

The complex says that they will fix the air conditioning today.
It’s been nearly two weeks.
The part they needed didn’t arrive until Monday.
But it was storming Tuesday, so they couldn’t start until Wednesday.
An optimist would say that this is the perfect time of year for it.
A pessimist would say why the fuck didn’t you rip the part of of a unit that isn’t occupied and put it in ours?
Never underestimate the stupidity of humans in positions of responsibility.
Tinny is asleep in my lap. She doesn’t give a damn.
I turn the fan on high.

Lou was our agent in the field.
He spread out a blanket in the field, sat down, and took a nap.
Unless it was raining. Then he’d nap in his car.
“Is there anything going on?” we’d ask Lou, checking on him.
“One second,” he say, and look around. “Nope. Nothing at all.”
“Good work,” we’d say.
Lou really liked working in the field.
Even though it wasn’t much work at all, really.
At the end of the day, Lou would get up, fold up the blanket, and drive back home.
Unless it was raining. Then he’d just drive home.

I can’t remember the maid’s name.
Maybe it was Venezuela, or Rosita, or Maria.
She cleaned every Tuesday.
Which meant that any time we made a mess Wednesday morning, my mother would yell at us louder than usual.
Almost as loud Thursday, maybe a bit less loud on Friday.
All the way to Monday night, which was pretty much “Eh, the maid will get it.”
And she did. The mess would be gone by the time we got home from school Tuesday afternoon.
God forbid we made a mess Tuesday evening.
We went straight to our rooms, hiding and cowering.

People say that Dan wore Hitler-colored glasses.
Everywhere he looked, he saw Hitler.
They had thick black rims, and made Dan look nerdy.
So, he got Hitler-colored contacts.
Now, Dan looked cool, and he could still see Hitler everywhere.
However, Dan got tired of the cleaning solution.
And having to take them out and put them back in.
So, he signed up for Hitler Lasik surgery.
They could use lasers to burn Hitler into his eyes.
“Can you remove my Howard Dean tattoo so I can get a Hillary tattoo?” he asked the technician.
“Different kind of laser,” they said.

People say that Dan wore Hitler-colored glasses.
Everywhere he looked, he saw Hitler.
He saw Hitler when he woke up.
He saw Hitler when he went down for breakfast.
He saw Hitler when he brushed his teeth.
He saw Hitler when he got on the bus to work.
He saw Hitler when he got coffee in the breakroom.
He saw Hitler in the daily meeting.
He saw Hitler when his boss gave him his review.
He saw Hitler everywhere.
It was when he took off his glasses, he still saw Hitler.
Washing his hands, in the mirror, across from Dan.

I’m sure that you’ve heard that a handgun is more likely to kill a family member than a burglar.
But what if the family member is a burglar?
In that case, I think it’s perfectly okay to kill them.
Especially if they’re going to rob my house.
It’s perfectly fine to kill them if they’ve just come home from robbing my house, too.
Hopefully, the police who show up to investigate the shooting will realize that the van in the driveway is full of stolen goods.
And not believe the bullshit story that they were in the middle of moving.

Aristotle said that it is easy for anyone to become angry, but knowing the right person, reason, time, and degree are not easy.
Somehow, Plato always knew.
“Why are you always in that dark cave?” shouted Plato.
Aristotle tried to hide something behind his back, but Plato shook the boy until a set of geometric forms fell to the ground.
“Those are mine!” growled Plato.
“They belong to Pythagoras!” whined Aristotle.
“I was respectful to my teacher,” said Plato.
“Oh, sure,” retorted Aristotle. “He probably drank the hemlock so he wouldn’t have to teach you anymore.”
Plato slapped Aristotle hard.