Category: My stories

The mornings and evenings are so quiet.
Just me and the cats.
I should get some kind of chaise or hammock for outside.
Let the two furry monsters go out and play.
And when they’re tired, curl up with me.
We’ve got chairs with cushions.
They’re okay to sit and lean back in.
And it’s cool this time of year.
But when it rains, they get wet.
And take days to dry.
I won’t kid myself and say it’s fresh air.
It’s just as polluted as the air inside.
But it’s outside, and outside is outside.
And quiet is quiet.

Why do magicians pull rabbits out of hats?
Well, rabbits are docile compared to other animals.
Also, rabbits are cute.
Finally, the parallel universe to which your hat’s transdimensional portal connects is full of cute, docile rabbits.
That’s why we call it The Bunnyverse.
So, whenever you stick your hand into your hat, it doesn’t take long for you to grab a rabbit and pull it into our universe.
Just remember to put the rabbit back. Transdimensional mass imbalance might lead to a space-time rift.
Which will explode and kill you, the audience, and everyone on earth.
Including the rabbit.

Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
At his Halloween Party, he wanted to dress up as Batman.
His butler Alfred tried to convince him that this was a bad idea.
They wrestled for a bit, and Bruce had Alfred in a headlock as the butler smashed a vial of knock-out gas into Bruce’s face.
They both passed out, and the party went on without them.
Everyone had a great time, and nobody noticed that Bruce was missing.
But they noticed that Aflred was missing.
The caterers ransacked the manor.
Bruce woke up, got into his Batman suit, and hunted them down.

Bruce Wayne was a drunk.
Alfred would shake him awake, wipe the vomit off of his face, and say “Batsignal.”
“Fuck,” growled Bruce, and Alfred would help him get into his Batman suit.
He added an autopilot to the Batmobile because he was too drunk to drive it.
He also added a minibar, because wanted to get drunker.
When the Batmobile arrived at the scene of the crime, Batman would fall out of it, growl a few times, and then punch the hell out of anything in his way.
Then he’d swing by the liquor store, and head back home.

The Chronoscope allows you to peer back in time.
Just set the coordinates and activate the viewer bridge.
The probe manifests in the past as a small bubble for an infinitely brief period of time.
For safety reasons, the probe cannot scroll forward or backward in time.
This would risk damaging the probe, which would flash forward in time as a catastrophic energy wave.
I show my students so many historical moments, but most of all, they want to see trees and grass and rivers.
Back before the energy wave burned the world, while we watched from Lunar Base One.

Denise was a smart kid in a poor school district.
Every year, money went to the football team.
Instead of textbooks, science labs, and other academic resources.
Because colleges wanted athletes, not students.
For AP classes, Denise took a bus across town to the rich kids’ school.
Up early, home late.
Studying, while everyone else was at the game.
For years, she bred dandelions in her back yard.
Carefully selecting the toughest weeds, with the deepest roots.
And spread their seeds on the football field.
They quickly crowded out the grass.
Even when the district re-sodded, it came up weeds.

In the old days, you hiked for days to reach the mountain, and climbed it to reach The Wise Man’s hut.
Now, you can ride the 7 bus from Downtown, which takes you to the Visitor Center, where you can buy a daypass for the cable car, shop at the gift shop, or dine at one of three restaurants.
The Wise Man’s Casino and Ski Resort, managed by Hilton, hosts several self-help seminars a day, and runs the best rollercoasters in the world.
I found The Wise Man and asked him for advice.
“Try the veal,” he said. “It’s great.”

A warning message appeared on my television.
Comcast detected an old cable box, so I ordered new equipment.
When it arrived, I emptied the boxes, laid out the components, and read the instructions.
Then I uninstalled the old equipment and installed the new.
It took a while to work through all of the menus and settings, but after an hour, it was all ready.
The final step was to pack up the old equipment and ship it back to Comcast.
But by then, the cats were sleeping in the boxes.
I’ll pack it all up and ship it next week.

I’ve bought a lot of cat toys over the years.
They were all a waste of money.
One of the silliest was a catnip-infused soap water to make bubbles with.
Instead of the cats catching the scent of the bubbles and chasing them, they’d just sit there and ignore the bubbles.
Or, I’d blow the bubbles into the cat’s face, and they’d run from the annoying wet onslaught on their whiskers.
“What’s wrong with you idiots?” I’d groan at the cats.
If the cats could talk, they’d ask the same of me, paying for this soapy water instead of treats.

At low tide, the lighthouse keeper could walk from the lighthouse to the shore in order to pick up supplies. At high tide, the lighthouse was completely isolated from the shore.
Insulated cables carried power to the spotlight and the lighthouse keeper’s cabin.
The toilet emptied directly into the sea.
When he was drunk, the lighthouse keeper enjoyed climbing up the stairs to the spotlight and pissing over the rail into the sea.
This wasn’t a problem when the skies were clear and the winds were calm. However, when there was a storm, he always regretted pissing into the wind.