Category: My stories

I bought some hamburger meat and buns at the store to make hamburgers for dinner.
We’ve already got cheese, mustard, and pickles at home.
I toasted the buns in the toaster while the burgers cooked in a skillet.
When the buns were ready, I put cheese and mustard on them, and then sliced up pickles to lay on top.
When the burgers were ready, I thought “I think I’ll add some mushrooms.”
I opened a can, dumped it in the pan, and splashed on red wine vinegar and butter.
Everything in life needs that “I think I’ll add mushrooms moment.”

Ted’s parents didn’t believe in the Boy Scouts.
So, when Ted was older and on his own, he got into scouting.
He learned how to identify all kinds of plants.
And he learned how to tie knots and start fires.
The Scouts didn’t recognize him, but Ted knew he’d done well.
He bought a bunch of sashes on eBay, tore out the stitching, and collected his badges that way.
Proudly wearing his full sash, he stood on his chair, tossed a rope over the crossbeam, and tied it off on the banister.
The knots all held his full body weight.

The day that the Supreme Court declared that gay marriage was now legal in all 50 states, many people proudly displayed rainbow flags, changed their social networking icons to rainbow colors, and professed that love won.
The Empire State Building, White House, and London Wheel were bathed in rainbow colors.
So was The Pentagon, but not by choice.
Thor and his Norse God friends picked that precise moment for invasion. They lowered the Rainbow Bridge from Valhalla to Midgard, and shouted VICTORY OR DEATH! battlecries as they rode their steeds down.
And promptly got shredded by machine-gun fire.
Stupid Vikings.

Tommy may have been the coward of the county, but Billy was the coward of the state.
Every time they met, it took a team of lawyers to figure out the jurisdiction issues.
A judge worked out a reasonable solution: Tommy was the coward of the county, but Billy could handle anything that crossed the county line.
This worked out well, until George was deemed the coward of the city. And the governor appointed Howard the coward of the state.
Pretty soon, cowards were constantly stumbling over other cowards.
The President wanted to intervene, but he was just too cowardly.

Since the last time I was on an airplane, I lost forty-five pounds.
I don’t need the seat upgrade anymore.
But I sure do miss the free drinks.
Oh, and the legroom. That’s always a plus.
Where else can you spend thirty bucks to get three more inches for a few hours?
I know for a fact that these blue pills give you less, and they don’t last as long.
Oh, and these upgraded seats have power outlets. Not just USB… the full outlet.
Uh oh. I forgot to charge my phone. I’d better plug in my charger before I…

Johnny made varsity.
Football? Baseball? Basketball?
No. Field hockey. Varsity field hockey.
Yes, I know it’s a girl’s sport, but Johnny’s kinda girly and small.
Still, he’s a feisty little shrimp, and he looks kinda cute in the knee socks and skirt, I suppose.
The other parents raised a huge stink over it with the school board, but it’s not like he’s in the girl’s locker room or showering with them.
No, he’s in the boy’s locker room. Peeking through a hole in the wall and watching his team mates in their locker room while they shower.
That’s my boy!

Tell my friends that I loved them.
Who are my friends?
Good question.
Those who know that I loved them, know.
Those who don’t know that I loved them, it’s my fault for not telling them.
Those who think they know that I loved them, but I didn’t really love, it’s ok. Let them be. Nothing I can do about it now.
Those who hated me, well, let them. Let them enjoy my demise. It won’t last. Someone else will raise their hackles eventually.
And those I hate, well, they can just kiss my cold dead ass. Fuck them all.

After Mom died, Dad needed a little help around the house.
So, he bought a robot grandmother.
No, she didn’t run on electricity, like the grandmother in Ray Bradbury’s story.
This grandmother ran on coal.
She was as big as a locomotive.
And we had to shovel coal into her boiler every twenty minutes.
She belched smoke and ash and carbon monoxide.
We had to keep the windows open, or we’d suffocate.
At least she was warm in the Winter.
When Dad remarried, we packed Grandma into a box. And buried her.
Our real Grandma. Because she died of something.

I woke up in brutal agony.
The right side of my back was absolute murder.
At first, I thought it was food poisoning, but club soda didn’t help.
We went to the hospital, and I waited for two hours in the waiting room, moaning and crying.
Eventually, the doctor saw me, asked me for my symptoms, and said “Probably kidney stones.”
So, they hooked me to an IV, put some painkillers in the drip, and cat-scanned me.
I’d already passed the first stone, but the second stone was brutal.
If I ever donate a kidney, it’ll be the right one.

I woke up in agony.
My first two kidney stones ever. From my right kidney.
They say this is the closest a man can come to experiencing the pain of childbirth.
Except, instead of a 6 to 7 pound baby, it’s 4 millimeter-wide crystals.
I’ll call them AAAAAARGH! and Steve.
My whole life must change.
No more coffee, no more caffeine, no more sodas.
Count my sodium, milligram by milligram.
And lots and lots of water.
So much water.
If I ever need to donate a kidney, for the love of God, take the right one, not the left, okay?