Category: My stories

It’s two in the morning, and trumpeters are out on the streets, trumpeting.
They have bright, shiny trumpets.
They have clean, fancy uniforms.
From their snazzy shoes, all the way up to their magnificent hats.
They’re strolling down the avenue, casual and relaxed.
The air fills with the sound of trumpets. So many trumpets.
And it’s horrible. So noisy.
Because bright, shiny trumpets and clean, fancy uniforms don’t make trumpeters.
Knowing how to play a trumpet makes you a trumpeter.
Some people spray water hoses. Others throw rocks.
Buckle your seat belt. Let’s see how many we can run over.

I love the smell of incense.
I have closets full of the stuff, and I’m always burning it to make an aromascape of my house.
I can walk around from room to room, navigating just by smell.
I go on trips to find new and rare incense aromas.
A temple on a mountaintop in India had the most amazing scented incense.
I tried to buy it, but the high priest said it was cursed and not for sale.
So, I stole it, and brought it home.
My house burned down while I slept.
But as it did, it smelled amazing.

i remember
when batman
completely
lost his shit
instead of
capturing bad guys
he left their
battered
mutilated
defiled bodies
hanging from lamp posts
at first
nobody wanted to
believe
it’s really joker
two-face
those guys did it
until they showed up
dead
too
riddler turned himself in
practically begged
arkham asylum
filled up quickly
then
batman bombed it
killing everyone
enemies
nurses
doctors
everyone
commissioner gordon
obtained a warrant
for bruce wayne
vigilante heroes
hunted gotham
looking for bruce
they found him
in a cave
under his mansion
along with
his butler
alfred
hanging from ropes
covered with bats

The current administration refuses to allow people born in Jerusalem the right to put Jerusalem, Israel on their passports.
They say that it is taking a position in the ongoing dispute over the city.
Yet, the State Department has its Arab-speaking consulate in East Jerusalem, which Palestinians claim as their eternal capital.
Every time someone runs for president, they say that they will recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.
But once they get elected, the former candidate sheds their campaign promise and continues the policy.
Then the next wave of candidates make their promises. To eternally raise capital funds.

Ted needed a new mattress, so he tried one with coils and springs.
The recoil threw him into the ceiling.
Then, he tried a sleep number bed. But the bed wasn’t so good at math, and he ended up spending all night working out long division with an abacus.
After that, he bought a memory foam mattress.
But this one was defective. At first, he thought it had some kind of amnesia, but it turned out to be early-onset Alzheimers. He forgot his dreams.
In the end, he decided to cross the mob, and he peacefully slept with the fishes.

I recently visited my parents.
They have two old square televisions. They were blurry, low-definition, and letterboxed the video feeds.
So, I bought them a big flat-panel television, a wall-mount, and a disk player. Oh, and a box of high-definition scenery to use during the rainy dark days of winter.
They were going to upgrade their cable, but they went with a satellite provider instead.
I got an email from my dad that says the picture quality is great on the television in the bedroom.
Except that’s one of the square televisions. The new flat-panel is in the living room.

Unlike hundreds of others, William was smart and wore his bandana as a mask when he looted the Walmart.
He picked up a new pair of Air Jordans, some cool sweats, and a laptop computer.
The sneaks and sweats, he wore to school.
The laptop, he got set up with his neighbor’s WiFi.
The next day, the cops searched that neighbor’s apartment for stolen goods.
“Shit,” said William.
They caught William sneaking down the fire escape with the laptop.
No, they couldn’t match William’s face to Walmart’s security tapes.
But the bandana that hung from William’s belt was a match.

Doctor Odd built a robot.
Amy loves the robot. So does Betty.
They fought over it.
So, Doctor Odd used telepods to duplicate the robot.
The duplicate is a perfect copy.
And he gave it to Amy… or did he give it to Betty?
Now, they’re fighting over who has the original robot and who has the copy.
Doctor Odd is sick of their fighting.
So, he used the telepods to merge Amy and Betty into one person.
The robots now fight over who gets Amybetty.
Robot fights are much cooler than girl fights.
Doctor Odd pops popcorn and watches.

Hopper Coopersmith ran the Five and Dime on Main Street for years.
When he first opened it, Five was a nickel.
When he retired, Five was a five dollar bill.
“I remember when a haircut was a quarter, the newspaper was a penny, and a steak and egg plate with coffee was thirty-five cents.”
Harper had a heart attack last month. All those steak and egg plates took their toll, I guess.
Doctor says Hopper needs a heart transplant.
“How much were those when you were growing up?” asked Hopper’s great-grandson.
The oxygen mask on Hopper’s face muffled his response.